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-   -   Pregnancy and telling your secondary. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16813)

tsse 11-09-2011 08:54 AM

Pregnancy and telling your secondary.
Hello. I am new to the boards but not new to polyamory.
I've been in my primary relationship for almost ten years.
I've only been in my secondary relationship for a few months. Prior to that, I had an almost exclusive relationship for four years with my first secondary that ended, but we are still friendly.

A few things have happened recently:

1) My secondary's behavior went from normal to completely horrid


2) I found out I was pregnant. My primary is the father.


Item one occurred on the first trip we took together. It was a group trip where we met other friends as well and stayed with them at the destination. From day one secondary (S) was rude, spiteful and nasty. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he is in poor health and didn't travel well. I made excuses for him. He told me on the second day he "had his fill" of primary (P). I listened and expressed how I didn't understand as he and P hadn't really been around each other much as P was hanging around our friends most of the time and S was resting. We went to a shopping plaza later that day and S was sitting outside. P was down with our group friends in another store and a saleslady got a bit pushy with me. I have really bad anxiety when it comes to that and I needed P because I knew he could step in and calm me down without making a scene or making it obvious. I motioned to S to go get P and S came in and asked what was up, making a HUGE scene and mortifying me. I asked him to please get P. He asked if he could do anything and I said "yes, please go get P".

P handled the situation gracefully as only someone who's been with me as long as he has would be able to. As soon as we were out of the store, I explained to S why I needed P and he just said "yeah, yeah" and blew me off.

A few more days went by. Not only had S's behavior started irritating us, it was irritating our friends. We had "vouched" for him to people who had never met him and he embarrassed us professionally as well. He'd apologize to me privately and then act worse. He'd get drunk and boorish and at one point started making out/ going a bit too far with a female friend of mine in front of me. The female friend was at least not so drunk enough to get herself out of the situation - she tried to give him a hug and he grabbed her, kissed her and started to finger her. She was relatively unscathed but that behavior - the simple "grab and take" made me beyond angry.

His health was getting worse and worse so we stopped buying things like soda and bought healthier foods. He reacted by taking the rental car and going to McDonalds. He would slam doors, scream and storm off if the tiniest thing upset him. He claims it was anxiety but I HAVE anxiety and I've never reacted like that, nor do I know anyone who has. I've known people who've acted out but not that long and certainly not apologize-act out/act worse-apologize cycle. He actually almost slammed a glass sliding door on P and we are pretty sure it was on purpose. I was up talking to a male friend of mine and he came in the room and shut off the lights and stormed off.

There's a lot more than this but basically I was DONE with him by the end of the trip. He told aformentioned female friend that I "treated him like a stranger". My ex is a good friend and I explained the situation on the fourth day and his advice, along with the advice of the people who were there and saw the behavior was not to reward the negative attention seeking. I did this.

On the plane ride home, he tried to feel me up. :( I just wanted to sleep.

I found out later he told another female friend who was there his plan to get me in a hotel room alone. He'd brought this up a month prior to the trip and I declined, saying it was rude and we were already paying for our accommodations, the nearest hotel was a 30 minute drive and I was on the trip to hang out with him, P and friends, not to have a sex-filled romp.

As it turns out, S was in horrible health after the trip - and probably before the trip. I'd never noticed his eating habits as we'd spent at maximum three days together but he will go without eating and then eat one huge meal. He has terminal cancer as well and he is morbidly obese. He made a big post on a social networking site about his health and then went on another networking site talking about how much he was drinking and how drunk he was and to "tell [tsse] I love her".


It turns out P didn't see any of this but contacted S to see how he was doing and told him he needed to change his eating habits NOW. I talked with S just a little bit during that time as I was still very upset with him. I've talked to him more and he says the store incident was the catalyst and even though he understands why I requested P, he felt like he wasn't needed and it started this big spiral.

The fact that he has it in him to act this way upsets me. He was beyond hurtful and though he's apologized, he refuses to think he was himself and attributed it to his health problems. He's seeing a counselor and has diagnosed himself with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Basically... I don't know where he and I stand because of his behavior and he knows it will take a lot of work to get back to where we were after his week of horribleness..


2) I found out I'm pregnant. P and I had tried ONCE. I didn't think it would happen this early but it has. I'm between 5 and 6 weeks gone. I had some health issues that made it seem like it would be difficult to do and while we were monogamous, P and I weren't always careful and if I was pregnant, I never knew it as everything functioned like clockwork.

I don't know how to tell S. I don't want to tell him until just before three months though. He knows I've been tired/unwell and I just found out myself two days ago.

I had a horrible dream that we told S and he had a heart attack and refused for us to call help, saying he'd rather die.

S can't have children and he says he doesn't want them so I know that will be an issue too. He's waffled on this before and I know he is jealous of P and the time we spend together and if he finds out we are potentially having a child, I'm afraid it is going to set back all the good progress he's made on his diet and exercise.

I know this is all complicated and I really do care about S but I really don't think he cares about himself or me. I know he was trying to manipulate me when we were on our trip and I refused to let him and I'm afraid he'd do the same re: pregnancy out of jealousy.

So far I've told four very close friends who I knew we were trying who I can trust as well as my immediate family - basically anyone I'd be comfortable discussing a loss with. I think if it does progress and we do tell him, I will tell him that too, and that I didn't want to say anything until we knew everything was okay.

Also, I wouldn't put it past him to snap, get one of his guns and shoot me or something awful. He's in a really tenuous mental state and I think news like that might break him.

Magdlyn 11-09-2011 11:56 AM

Wow, I'd break up with him RIGHT NOW, before your pregnancy starts to show.

Even before you mentioned his self diagnosis of BPD, I was thinking his behavior reminds me of my adult daughter, who has medically diagnosed BPD. The erratic impulsive behavior, food issues (she's bulemic), the rages, sexual inappropriateness, the overuse of alcohol, etc.

If you're afraid he'd take a gun and shoot you, please cut off all contact with him right now.

tsse 11-09-2011 12:15 PM

I do think at the least, a break would be good which is what I've been doing. I haven't seen him since the trip and we've only spoken a few times. How can he love anyone else if he can't love himself? He does attention seeking behavior and requested I "call him out on it" but I declined because it was just another way of him knowing he would get my attention if he posted or said something self-deprecating.

He is acting his normal again but I'm just scared the news would send him into whatever the hell it was he was doing on the trip.

He initially thanked P for caring about him enough to help him and them lashed out at him because he wasn't forgiven/understood on his terms. I've since explained that things like that don't work on his terms.

There is also the concern that he could harm himself.

Mainly I'm feeling vulnerable. I've not known him to be violent but I never thought he'd be the way he was during our trip either.

I know I need to end it, at the very least until he gets help, at most permanently. I had a feeling he saw our relationship as borrowing me versus sharing me and I didn't think any decisions re: conception needed to involve him. I know that will be an issue too as a month in to our relationship, I was told (due to a joke I made) that he felt it was only fair to suit down as a group and discuss any other potential relationships I was interested in.

countrygirl 11-09-2011 06:42 PM

oh my, what a roller coaster you have been on!! I am sure this needs no repeating, but I totally agree with Magdlyn...you need to get out and get out NOW!! I admire your wanting to make things as easy as possible for S, but it does not seem he has the same respect for you. And if your being pregnant is something that wasn't supposed to happen (as I read it) then extreme care and caution should be taken to take care of you and the baby. Having lost a child before, the first trimester is the most important one.

Good luck to you and your growing family...I hope it all works out for you!!

nycindie 11-09-2011 07:08 PM

End it with S. Please.

SourGirl 11-09-2011 07:20 PM

Dump the cry-baby, before you have the real baby.

Man-children suck. They suck the life right out of you, the libido right out of you, the joy right out of you.

This does not seem to be a case of him sorting through things, or having a bad time here and there, due to his health. From what you have stated, this is a gentleman who openly disrespects you in whatever environment he pleases, based on whatever mood he feels like being in.

You cannot make your own behaviour BETTER, to make-up for the lack in HIS.

So beyond that, the rest is moot. :(

Good Luck.

P.S.- How does a man get his finger inside a woman, in a spilt-second moment, of her trying to hug him ? I have twirled that around in my egg-brain, but I cannot see that happening, unless he was extremely forceful, borderline rape. This is more then 'boorish' behaviour.
I`d of broke his finger, before he made it near my hip.....

ImaginaryIllusion 11-09-2011 08:41 PM


Originally Posted by SourGirl (Post 110115)
I`d of broke his finger, before he made it near my hip.....

And it'd serve him right!

I'm afraid I'm not very sympathetic to using illness as an excuse...yeah, not going to work because of a stomach flu is one thing, but this case? Sexual assault, emotional abuse, and just generally being an asshat is not excusable just because of some sickness...terminal or otherwise. You can call me callous and uncaring if you want, but as far as I'm concerned such behavior is completely unacceptable. Making or accepting any excuses cannot lead anywhere good...like apathy or condoning of someone assaulting a friend.

The rest I'll echo the others here. Get rid of S roundly and completely. An individual like this has no business in the lives of anyone other than mental health professionals until he gets himself unfucked. If you have legitimate fears for your wellbeing at his hands, then you have no business having such a person near your future children. Period, end, stop.

Take care of yourself, P and the child. S has earned nothing but the opportunity to take care of himself on his own.

tsse 11-09-2011 09:17 PM

Thank you all for your advice.

To answer a few things:
The pregnancy was not unplanned, we just didn't think we'd manage it on the first try. I have issues with cysts as well as endometriosis and the odds are only about 20% that out would happen the first time for anyone.

Regarding S and the other girl, they were in a pool and she was nude. She removed herself from the situation and I didn't find out that it went farther than she wanted until later. She was more irritated that she tried to give him affection and in her words, instead of shaking the hand he took the whole arm. From where I was it looked like consentual kissing mainly because they were submerged in water and I didn't see his arms around her due to where I was located.

I really do want him to get help. He's seeing a counselor once a week and his kidney function has improved. The health issue he's trying to say caused the anxiety was Pericarditis. After he felt ill in the hot tub the night prior, he called his doctor and the fixture told him no more hot tub. The following evening, after the incident with the girl, she removed herself to the hot tub where everyone else was. S staggered over said "I don't care if I die, I'm getting in" and proceeded to nearly fall in, landing on my shoulder.

That behavior is just ridiculous.
I find myself resenting him for nearly ruining the trip.

The more I write the clearer I see that this is just silly of me to think he'd be able to continue a relationship. He needs help and I feel like he uses us as his emotional support and I just cannot do it anymore and have told him that. He's been apologetic and respectful of my needing time but I don't think that's going to fix things.

Anneintherain 11-09-2011 11:18 PM

I'm glad things are seeming clearer for you - You can't fix him, you're not responsible for his diet or his health, and he certainly seems to have no interest in taking care of those things himself, a relationship with him would always involve worrying and trying to "help" him. That isn't healthy, and it seems like it couldn't end up being anything but horribly co-dependent.

I hope you are able to do whatever it is you decide to do easily - sounds like P is a loving supportive partner though, so that is nice to have during difficult times.

MichelleZed 11-09-2011 11:57 PM

Break up with S. He's an unattractive mess. Tell him that you wish him very well, but that he doesn't seem to be in a place in his life right now where he can handle the kind of relationship you have, and that you'd like to end it.

Don't tell him you're pregnant. He can find out with everyone else at 14 weeks or whatever.

And, yay, more pregnant people! We've had a lot on the board lately (I'm pregnant too--34 weeks!). Congrats!

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