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-   -   Help/Advice for a poly-noob please (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16798)

TheMDC 11-08-2011 07:20 PM

Help/Advice for a poly-noob please
 
Background: My wife and I were raised in a very strict religion (one might even call it a cult) and we married when I was 21 and she was 24. Neither of us have ever been with anyone else. Ever. A couple years ago we managed to extricate ourselves from the cult and have discovered a world full of potential and freedom.

My wife has even managed to fall in love. With someone she went to high school with but never pursued because of the religion. She has also made connections with several other people she knew in the past but never had a chance to pursue a deeper relationship with.

She still loves me, as well.

I love and respect her, too. Because we share the same background I completely understand where she's coming from. Neither of us ever had a chance to sow our wild oats as young adults and now in midlife we have that chance for the first time. I can't really hold it against her to want to experience things she never had a chance to experience. Besides that, she's an extrovert who needs relationships, and leaving our religion (which practices shunning) has left a huge void in our social life which she has been able to fill by reconnecting with past acquaintances.

She has given me the green light to develop other relationships, too, which is fine, I guess, but that seems damn near impossible for a married man in his 40s. And frankly, I'm not sure if want a relationship with someone else the way she does. I would love to experience the same sort of sexual freedom she's embarking upon but I'm not sure I want another soulmate (or 2 or 3). Does that seem weird? I don't want to sound like I just want to get laid because it isn't just about that.

I don't know what the hell I want, to be honest. I just kind of feel like I've been given permission to experience things I never have, I know I'd enjoy it, and so feel like I should act on it. I just have no idea how to even get started. I have the feeling it is SO MUCH HARDER for a man to find willing partners than it is for a woman.

Am I making any sense here? Maybe some of you more experienced guys can share some of your early polyamorous difficulties and challenges and how you overcame them. And maybe some of you more experienced ladies can share your wisdom about what polyamorous women are looking for in a guy. Knowing where both sides are generally coming from, maybe that can help me decide where to go from here.

Thanks for reading. And thanks for whatever you tell me. I'm a major noob so I won't take offense if you treat me like I'm stupid. In this particular area, I AM! :o

(edit: I noticed an acronym around this site "NRE" and discovering what it means, I find it perfectly fits what my wife is experiencing. She's excited like we were when we were first dating each other, except this time it is about this other guy. I want to be happy for her but it kind of sucks to be me right now, you know?)

AnnabelMore 11-08-2011 08:20 PM

I can't claim experience with your situation, but I see this --

"leaving our religion (which practices shunning) has left a huge void in our social life which she has been able to fill by reconnecting with past acquaintances"

-- as the first thing to resolve. If you're out there in the world, participating in groups, trying new activities, meeting people and making friends, you probably won't feel so left behind, you'll grow as a person which can only make you more attractive to potential partners, and you may well meet a friend who becomes something more or who introduces you to someone who will. Deal with your dearth of friends before you try to tackle your dearth of lovers

SNeacail 11-08-2011 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMDC (Post 109882)
She has given me the green light to develop other relationships, too, which is fine, I guess, but that seems damn near impossible for a married man in his 40s. And frankly, I'm not sure if want a relationship with someone else the way she does. I would love to experience the same sort of sexual freedom she's embarking upon but I'm not sure I want another soulmate (or 2 or 3). Does that seem weird? I don't want to sound like I just want to get laid because it isn't just about that.

Relax a bit and just make a new circle of friends. Find activities that interest you and do them. So many times religion becomes our life and when we figure out that we need to go in a different direction, we feel a bit lost. We no longer have the structure of activities the "church" provided/expected/demanded that encompassed our lives before, so now it's time to find groups and activities that peak our true interests.

I did this just recently and am still amazed every time I get together with these people at how much I have in common with them. None of my "church" friends or my husband's friends even had clue about things I am passionate about. Not only do my new friends get my crafty side, they share similar geeky interests.

redpepper 11-08-2011 09:49 PM

I agree with SNeacail. Making new friends, discovering communities of people that are like minded and getting out and finding new things to do is the best way to meet people. Especially women. For me, I am much more interested in men that involve themselves in stuff than meeting them on dating sites. At our age (I'm 42) we quite often come with a lot of baggage around trust of people and sometimes have to work harder to get to a place of connection as a result. Spending time with people and letting it all unfold is a great way to start out.

LittleSara 11-08-2011 11:18 PM

Poly events?
 
Maybe there are poly events in your area? Check out the "Meetings and Events" section of the board... :)

LittleSara 11-08-2011 11:18 PM

Oops here's the link
 
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=7

:D

redpepper 11-09-2011 12:08 AM

Or my sig :D

TheMDC 11-09-2011 12:39 AM

Thanks for the advice and support. I really need it. :)

Magdlyn 11-09-2011 01:26 AM

It's hard to find a nice poly guy! Where do you live? :p

TheMDC 11-10-2011 02:55 PM

Interesting comment because I'm constantly wondering if I'm TOO nice. I've been told by my therapist that I don't stand up for what I want enough.


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