Hello from the Northeast
New to this idea entirely..... but have been sort of practicing for years.
6 months ago I moved out of my house. My wife and I are very different people and there was just no spark. No chemistry.... in fact, I doubted it was ever there. Fast forward to about two weeks ago....
Her child hood dream and mine are identical. Stablity in jobs, house, planning for early retirement. We've worked hard and all the peieces are in place for us to achieve all of this. We've never fought about money. We aren't rich, but are happy. Hooray! Mission accomplished!! So why leave? Well, neither of us listed love, chemisty, or "spark" as a goal. we have been so focused on getting to where we are that we never missed it. Now, however, I am feeling sorely like I am missing out on that part. Oh, sex is fine....except I always have to initiate it. She takes a little warming up but we always have a good time. She recognizes that its just plain stupid to think that one can get their entire bank of needs taken care of by one other person. I've always connected better with women than men.... so I have "girlfriends". But not like that.... I go to movies, (she hates the movies), sporting events, (hates those too), and do vairous outdoor stuff with "my girls". I'm an affectionate guy who will hug just about anyone. My standard greeting to any of my female friends is a hug and kiss on the cheek. Its the hug back, that kiss back, the genuine "hey, you're my friend and I love you" that I like. The connection. (plus I just love how girls smell when I hug them.) I'm also totally comfortable hugging guys... but respect that most of those I come into contact with are not comfortable doing so. So we have always allowed this. SHe is TOTALLY ok with how things are and have been. I see nothing wrong with forming deep friendships with other women... snuggling on the couch watching tv or holding hands just because it sayd, "hey, i'm here for you.... we are friends, and can be affectionate". So three months ago the wife and I decided to try and find that spark that was missing.... after all, we have worked together and achieved our dreams for the last 17 years. I've always felt a little guilty at times about these girls.... but we have rules..... I always tell her who and where I am going. She has met every single one of them. If she gets a bad vibe, then no more "dating" that girl. If at anytime there is an "awkward moment" during a date, then date over. I can't see this girl again and I tell my wife that I won't be seeing her again. If there are feelings of possession by either me or the other girl then no more dates. See, its always been just a friend thing. But with outward affection. No sex, ever. Not one time in 17 years.
anyway.... i've been reading "Opening up" and chapter 7 really spoke to me. It seems that I am, and this is just my label I guess... "non-sexually polyamorous". I say this because there are two "favorites" Neither of which I have any desire to have sexual contact with but both of which I care very deeply about. I am involved in their lives as much as they let me be. One of them is clearly "the" favorite but the other is a favorite among the many others. I am emotionally invested in these women and have discovered that I am happiest when they are truly happy. The favorite and I have talked recently about her actual importance and position in my life. She's ok "filling the void" that we both have right now but is a serial monogomist and knows that if/when she meets someone that we will continue to be friends, but see each other far less due to time constraints. I totally understand this and am ok with it. (as I have been for the last 6 years through two boyfriends of hers). But I fear that she thinks I will somehow crumble without her. This is not the case.... I'll miss her. But as long as she is happy, and still connected once in a while, i'm happy. She totally doesn't get Poly-anything.
Today I shared with my wife what i've been thinking and that she is my primary..... always has been and always will be. We have achieved so much, still have so many dreams, take such good care of each other.... you get the idea. She is "the one" at least as much as I'll ever have one. No one else will ever take her place. Period. Because of what i've learned we talked about specific boundaries. She is ok with thing as they have been for years but not ok with what she calls "prolonged contact" that means holding hands while on a walk, or snuggling during a movie because its comfortable is out. (think about how siblings pile onto a couch as kids, or how you'd put your head in your parents or SO's lap while watching a movie and you'll have my idea of what I feel I would like.)
Would I ever like more? I don't know. With jaw issues that lead to migraines for her, oral is out of the question..... I so do miss that. But I feel that we may overcome that as she has started therapy to help with her TMJ condition. We both work nights and nights when she works and I'm off it would be nice to have a date but for them to be able to sleep over as a snuggle buddy.
So.... since I am totally new to all of this.(the terminology and the fact that i'm not "wrong, or weird", but not the idea of it.) Where am I? where do I go from here? I'm learning that societal constraints don't have to cause me to feel guilty. I'm no longer even remotely considering divorce because I realise it doesn't have to be "this or that". It can be both. Explaining to folks how it is that I have "girlfriends" has become pretty easy. We just explain that there are things I enjoy that she doesn't and it not fair that I go through life without them. we then explain our rules and why it works for us. Many folks don't get it..... but many do. We have always understood what works for us and said that the rest of the world doesn't have to matter or meddle in our marriage. Certainly the girlfriends get it as I am right up front about it. I wan't a little more snuggling/contact than my wife is willing to consent to just now..... how do I A. get what I want. and B. help her be comfortable with it?
and C.... might wanting just a little more lead to still more? I wouldn't be opposed to her or I having sex with others down the road as long as everyone was ok with it, but it is not my goal at all right now. I have a much much higher sex drive than her.... but through talking about my needs we have begun to have more fun time together. I get hand jobs pretty regular even though we both usually do it. (her arm gets tired lol).
Ideally? I'd like to find a couple that we were both comfortable with. Very close to, (like extended family), that might someday include the four of us being all snuggly in a "non-sexual" sort of way. Whats wrong with genuine affection and closeness with people you truly care about?
I'm a bit of a rambler.... if you're still reading. Hello. and thanks for being here to help me fiugre out whats next for me and my lovely wife.
Sounds like you're getting yourself up to speed pretty well...research can be a very handy tool in all this. Keep learning and talking...and have patience. It takes time.
Welcome to the Forum.
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