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-   -   Non-Sexual Affection (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1667)

cloves 12-04-2009 08:52 PM

Non-Sexual Affection
 
ok...i'm not sure how to search for this exactly, so indulge me a new thread if you all will.

I've been reading through the stories and experiences and have found that for the most part, (allow me to generalize for a moment) that random sexual encounters aren't exactly poly (whether your partner allows them or not.)
Instead it seems to be more about a deeper connection first....and then a possible sharing of a sexual relationship.
But what about the other end of the spectrum? In my own situation, I'm finding myself very attracted, for lack of a better word, to somebody other than my partner, in a very NON sexual way. In fact, when i think about new friend, the fantasy is always about hand holding and cuddling.
Don't get me wrong, i HAVE fantasied about being with her, but usually my thoughts are for the most part very protective and nurturing.

does this happen often? What does it mean when your main concern in a new relationship isn't sexual attraction? Or am I misconstruing my own thoughts? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, but I find it a bit hard to articulate.

constlady 12-04-2009 11:47 PM

I have a deeply connected partner with whom I share an intense love bond and we are not sexual with each other.

Yes, there is attraction there but for a variety of reasons, it's best for us to refrain at this time so we do. That may or may not change in the future but we are both ok with things remaining as they are.

That may not be the same situation as you have but we are intimately affectionate, hugs, kisses, touches etc and I consider him to be one of my life partners.

Sex is a part of many intimate relationships but not all and its absence does not necessarily impact the depth of emotional connection between people who love each other.

LovingRadiance 12-05-2009 12:50 AM

Quote:

In fact, when i think about new friend, the fantasy is always about hand holding and cuddling.
Don't get me wrong, i HAVE fantasied about being with her, but usually my thoughts are for the most part very protective and nurturing.
Nearly ALL of my fantasies about my current boyfriend in the last 16+ years I've known him have revolved around cuddling, hand holding, HUGGING, HOLDING, curling up and going to sleep next to him, running through mud puddles whilst holding hands, falling asleep while he runs his fingers through my hair staring at me, listening to music laying on the floor side by side staring at the computer... you get the picture. I have only ever had a HANDFUL of sexual fantasies/dreams pop up and only a handful of times in all those years. (no we didn't JUST have sex recently either, I took his virginity damn near 15 years ago or so).
Its just never been the KEY thing in our relationship/friendship/time etc.


Quote:

does this happen often?

Can't say if it happens often or not.
But it certainly does happen.

Quote:

What does it mean when your main concern in a new relationship isn't sexual attraction?
In my opinion (which may not be the GENERALLY accepted opinion, just mine) it means you have already established in your mind that one or both of you have more to offer then a possible good lay based on looks.

It could also mean that you crave those non-sexual things.
It could also mean you sense that she does. (you did say she right?)
Lots of possibilities-so don't automatically freak out if my guess was wrong please. ;)

Quote:

Or am I misconstruing my own thoughts? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, but I find it a bit hard to articulate.
What do you mean by misconstruing your own thoughts?

LovingRadiance 12-05-2009 12:59 AM

Non-Sexual Affection
 
Hey-I noticed someone asking about this on the New to Poly board and it was intriguing to me.

GreenGecko and I have long had a friendship. Sex has been a part (very small) of it off and on over the years. But in 16 years-even at the beginning when "NRE" would theoretically be in effect-it just wasn't a big focus.

I noted on the other thread-that only a handful of times did I have fantasies about anything sexual in regards to him.

I was thinking about that posters questions about themself and kind of tossing them out to myself in regards to GreenGecko and wondering, so what does that mean about our relationship?

We have great sex when we have sex and we're neither one opposed to having sex when the opportunity arises. But it's just not a HUGE big deal if that opportunity doesn't arrive and honestly-there are times when the opportunity DOES arise-that we choose not to take it because we REALLY want to do something else together (like put together playlists of music)....

Anyone else have these type of relationships with their "life loves" or other long term relationships?

Thoughts?
Feelings?
Questions welcome!

Erosa 12-05-2009 01:13 AM

Non sexual affection is perfectly normal. It's part of foreplay but also part of expression of acceptance and trust. It's just as important as sexual affection and most people (even the menfolk) crave it just as much as the sex.

So I think it's perfectly normal that you'd want this. :)

Ceoli 12-05-2009 06:16 AM

I think intimacy and sexual connection are often confused as being synonymous. They are intricately tied to one another in many ways, but that doesn't make them the same thing.

Some relationships have more of a sexual connection than an intimate connection. Some relationships have more of an intimate connection than a sexual connection. For me, different relationships have different proportions of each.

Some people can't feel intimacy without a sexual connection. Some people can't feel a sexual connection without intimacy. Some people don't need intimacy to have a deep sexual connection. Some people don't need the sexual connection to have a deep intimate connection.

Either way, all of these ways are great and wonderful ways to connect to another human being. So if the level of of sexual affection feels right and happy for both, then that is the best outcome you can have. Yay for not trying to force it into something it doesn't need to be!

rolypoly 12-05-2009 07:33 AM

Amen!

Sweetheart 12-05-2009 10:10 AM

Thank you Ceoli.

I agree, just let it be what it is.

cloves 12-05-2009 01:01 PM

thanks everybody for helping to validate what I feel for this girl. Yes, I did say "she." :)

misconstruing my own thoughts....erm.....i guess what I was trying to say was...am I just trying to make this more "correct" or "honorable" .... are those the wrong words???......argh...
ok, by emphasizing the more innocent stuff in my mind, am I making it more acceptable to myself in my own brain. I dont think that's what i'm doing.

Not that I think it's wrong per se to have these feelings...for somebody other than my life partner. (and no I haven't really acted on these feelings at all....but it should be mentioned that my life partner has no idea i've even considered it either)

cloves 12-05-2009 01:25 PM

Thanks LR for the new thread. I appreciate it!

and thanks for all the responses as well. I'm learning.


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