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-   -   New to the community, seeking guidance. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16629)

Mooseknuckles 11-04-2011 11:02 PM

New to the community, seeking guidance.
 
Hello Forum!

I've been dating a beautiful young women for a year now and are very much in love. She's been honest with me about her bisexuality since she found the trust in me to do so. To be honest I'm pretty excited about the concept but have no pratical experience. I'm looking for any advice from those who care to take the time to share it with me. While I could just have random sexual encounters with misc third parties, it's not what we want. I'm not just going to share her with anyone. My first concern is in finding a suitable partner, as my GF is very modest and timid, so the job of finding another woman is falling on my shoulders. I've never had any problem in this regard in the past, but this is a whole new dynamic that I'm a little sheepish about. I've always treated the women in my life very well an had many great relationships as a result, most still continue to this day as friendship. I'm trying to avoid as many common mistakes as possible, hopefully with your help.

Is it wise for me to be seeking the other partner at all?

Do I ease into the 'I have a GF who'd like to meet you' conversation over time or just start with it?

Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thanx,
Moose

AnnabelMore 11-04-2011 11:57 PM

For the love of god, don't be these people:
http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/hot...hart-large.gif

Further, there are some good thoughts here, from the perspective of the potential new person, that might also be helpful for you: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

Beyond that, be polite, completely honest and open, and forward without being pressure-y. My gf's husband did the same thing you're doing and two years later she and I are still together, so it *can* work. :)

Also, know your audience... his approach might be too strong for some people, but he knew I was a sexually adventurous person and I'd expressed interest in them many years ago in college, so he was fairly sure I wouldn't take it amiss. He basically just said "Hey, Gia and I are finally over the debacle that was our last gf and we're ready to try opening or marriage again. You're at the top of our list for people we think are really hot and awesome and sane. Would you be interested in a threesome? Maybe Thursday? No worries if not, we'll find someone else to ask." No assumption that I'd date one or both of them, no pretenses that this was really all about me and that they weren't looking generally, just casual hot times to start... but it ended up turning into something pretty deep for she and I.

redpepper 11-06-2011 11:33 PM

You are looking for a unicorn? Have you done a search here for "unicorn" in the tags? Go to the search engine and have a look. I would start there. To me there is nothing like reading other peoples stories to see how it could work out.

There is a lot of couples looking for a bi woman to join them... good luck. I have never known one single time when that has worked out for the long haul, past the initial sexy NRE time. Triads that work seem to be built out of friends that all grow into it or couples that are very independent and are able to accomplish having other partners that they either share or don't...

Sorry to be a downer about this, but I hate to see couples go to so much effort for an illusion. What you are looking for seems to be just that.

Mooseknuckles 11-07-2011 12:13 AM

@red

I'm not really looking for a 'unicorn' (stupid label I might add) at all. I've known plenty of amazing, beautiful, young bi women, maybe I'm just lucky. I fully expect this to be a complex endeviour but no more then any successful mono relationship. I'm just looking to people with more experience in such situations to help me along. I've based all my previous relationships on honesty and expect this is the best course to follow in this case. With roughly half the mono marriages in North America ending in divorce these days I find your claim that it's an illusion a little dubious. A successful relationship of any type needs the right formula to balance the equation, I'm just trying to figure out the way to work with a new variable. Just want to avoid as much of the trial and error as possible.

@Annabel

Thanks for your reply, your insight has been very helpful. I'm not the type of person to make a 'how to have a threesome' flow chart, that's f*ing hilarious honestly.

redpepper 11-07-2011 12:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mooseknuckles (Post 109520)
@red

I'm not really looking for a 'unicorn' (stupid label I might add) at all. I've known plenty of amazing, beautiful, young bi women, maybe I'm just lucky. I fully expect this to be a complex endeviour but no more then any successful mono relationship. I'm just looking to people with more experience in such situations to help me along. I've based all my previous relationships on honesty and expect this is the best course to follow in this case. With roughly half the mono marriages in North America ending in divorce these days I find your claim that it's an illusion a little dubious. A successful relationship of any type needs the right formula to balance the equation, I'm just trying to figure out the way to work with a new variable. Just want to avoid as much of the trial and error as possible.

Do you know what a unicorn is? Its a common term in poly... check the tags and the definition thread for more. Do an on line search if you don't want to read here.

If you are looking for a woman to join your relationship exclusively, then you are looking for a unicorn. Is that what you are looking for?

Mooseknuckles 11-07-2011 12:36 AM

Sorry, yes, I'm fully aware of the term and it's general use, I just think it's dumb to generalize with such a broad label for such a diverse group of women. I'd say my girl and I are looking to explore the opportunities presented to us. Would we both like to find another amazing women to join as and live happily ever after? Ofcourse we would, but neither of us expect any certainties in life.

countrygirl 11-07-2011 01:23 AM

I understand your wanting to do this the right way, and I in NO way want to tell you how to do that. Might I suggest however that this be something the two of you do together. I completely understand that your wife is shy and timid, but this is a woman that apparently you both want to build a lasting relationship with. To that end, it will take the work of both of you and not just you. I have found that in order to make someone work within your already established relationship though that you might start as friends and see where that goes?

I wish you luck on your search!!! I hope you find what you both are looking for!!

Mooseknuckles 11-07-2011 03:02 AM

@countrygirl

Thanks for the positive comments. I agree totally. She's just not confident in meeting new women, especially ones she's attracted to. I have no problem in this regard so she'd prefer I find like minded women to introduce her to. It took her and I some time to establish the level of trust to even talk about this. I assume it would take just as long to establish this trust with someone else, but, I'd feel wierd keeping the fact I'm in this relationship hidden until such a time. I think that would justifiably loose all the trust I'd earned. Maybe I'm thinking about it too hard. I'd just hate to string any good mono women along. I guess I'm just lacking the self confidence to ask a girl out and include the important detail that I'm in this relationship already. Its just been my experience that many bi girls aren't openly bi.

countrygirl 11-07-2011 05:51 PM

@Moose:

I can totally see where you are coming from. I would even have to agree with you...starting a "new" relationship is hard enough without "hiding" a part of yourself from that person. I do not think you are thinking too hard...this is a lot to process, and to see you making an effort to be honest and go about this the "right" way is refreshing, because there are lots that would not be so careful. Kuddos!!!

redpepper 11-07-2011 07:19 PM

When it comes to finding partners for triads it seems that looking separately without the expectation to find someone who would love you both seems to work better. Quite often bi women don't fall in love with both people in a couple but only one. Or end up only loving the one in a romantic way. It seems that triads that work out are built on friendships first that build into romance over time. Perhaps finding people to build friendships together first would mean moving into a vee situation of a triad situation if the chemistry is right. Starting from the get go with the expectation of love and romance is a lot of pressure on a bi woman and almost all of them, from my experience, just won't take that on. Mostly because they have been used in the past.


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