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-   -   money issues? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=165)

Alhena 04-17-2009 08:20 PM

money issues?
especially for the men in relationships with 2 women, how do you deal with buying things for both? Do you occasionally or never is it everyone for themselves? When you all pitch in who pays for what? how do you make it work?

Im having a problem with my bf currently, i still havnt spoken to him about it because its not something i want to bring up so early in the relationship and also i dont want him to get the wrong idea.

Before i go on I want to make it clear Im not asking for him to buy me thing or pay for me when we go out, i dont need gifts to feel cared for and im perfectly fine paying for my own things. My bf has a wife, dogs, owns his home and of course has bills blah blah i understand he has responsibilities and that right now money is tight at home. So I often offer to pay for him when we are out especially for example if I asked to go to the movies/out to dinner/disneyland so he goes just because i want to go but i know he cant spend too much so i offer to pay usually he pays some of it so we are just splitting costs.

Here is my problem, last several times we have gone out hes been expecting me to pay, and has actually used the "i forgot my wallet" "trick" twice. Once he wanted to take me out to eat and actually pay for it himself so he asked me to pick somewhere not to pricey so i did we get there and have to pay and he doesnt have money, so wtf if i was going to pay i wouldve picked a differant place and that annoyed me. Like i said before i dont mind paying for him occasionally or if I always have to pay for myself because i know money is tight. I'm starting to feel a little like if hes using me, most of me knows he isnt but still it makes me a bit uncomfortable and wish he would just talk to me about it.........but i guess it goes both ways and i prob could bring it up.

am i being petty?

Funk2Lopez 04-18-2009 09:15 AM

I don't think you're being petty. I think you are feeling taken for granted money wise. You might want to talk about it so that you don't start to feel resentful about it all.

Just my two cents.

AutumnalTone 04-18-2009 03:28 PM

An issue of that sort has wrecked many a relationship--and it has nothing to do with being poly. It's where the most basic relationship skills come into play, too--if you want the relationship to succeed, you will have to address the issue with him.

ANd, you'll have to make it clear who's paying every time you go out. If he should forget his wallet, then he should also pay you back for covering for him--he incurs a debt when he's supposed to pay and you have to cover, so he should pay you back soonest.

Alhena 04-18-2009 04:14 PM

Well he has never offered to pay me back and I dont really need it so i dont push it, but he sure does ask me for gas money when I ride around with him. Geesh i feel like im sounding super greedy.

Thanks for the responses guys

AutumnalTone 04-18-2009 07:16 PM

Nah, you don't sound greedy. It sounds like he's having troubles managing his resources.

When one has multiple relationships, one has to figure out how to manage all of the resources--emotion, time, attention, money. If you can't manage your resources well, then it's unlikely all of your relationships will last.

When I was involved with a gf, I spent less on myself so I could spend some on her and her children. As my wife and I maintain separate finances--splitting the family bills and taking care of personal bills and fun stuff out of personal funds--my obligations at home were covered. I still occasionally picked up something for my wife, and I was also able to occasionally pick up something for my gf.

Olivier 04-21-2009 01:10 AM

I think you should just tell him, first in a light way, where he gets a chance to react. If you clearly sense that there is more to it (in a bad way), you need to confront him with it immediately.

Note: I just saw the part about the gas money.. lol. I'm not gonna comment on that.. but asking your lover to pay for gas money.. err :P

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