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-   -   poly or swinging (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1646)

Sweetheart 11-29-2009 09:35 AM

poly or swinging
 
I recently noticed that quite a few people seem to have arrived in the poly lifestyle through swinging.

What is your opinion on the subject of swinging?

:eek:

Magdlyn 11-29-2009 01:24 PM

Ive never tried it. It wouldnt work for me. I'm not into anonymous sex. Also there seems to be a fair amt of homophobia in the community, all kinds of rules about men not touching each other. Since I am pansexual, progressive and queer, this would bother me a lot.

NeonKaos 11-29-2009 02:19 PM

I have no interest in "swinging" as in the context of married couples swapping partners and all that (an example at: http://honeymoons.about.com/cs/nudej...a/Hedonism.htm ).

Husband and I are recreational nudists and from time to time we have noticed, and/or been approached or hinted-at by, swinger-couples who were attending the same nudist venue as ourselves (such as http://www.coventryresort.com/aboutus.htm ). (And by the way, this "swinging" behaviour is heavily frowned-upon in naturist/nudist milieus.)

I should point out that I have had my share of one-night-stands and casual-sex when I was in my teens and 20's, heck, I had sex with my husband two hours after we met, but that was a phase of my life and I am relieved to have gotten through it without any incurable diseases. I am no longer disposed to eat hamburger out when I could have a steak at home, so to speak.

ladyjools 11-29-2009 02:20 PM

im not sure if its for me,
i would never rule it out, there is part of me that is sort of curious however i have never had sex with someone i don't have feelings for and so it would be kind of strange for me to do that,

i don't even know any swingers in real life,
i think if we where going to try it i would prefer with people i know, but i think its a long way off in the future if ever because i am def not wishing to particapate in such sex at this time, :)

i do not however view swinging as a bad thing, do not judge people who do it, :)

Jools

Quath 11-29-2009 02:47 PM

My wife likes the concept of swinging more than polyamory. I am the opposite. She thinks there is less drama in swinging than in polyamory.

I am not against the idea of swinging. However, I know there is a good chance I would get emotionally attached. So it may not be a good idea for me to go that route.

AutumnalTone 11-29-2009 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweetheart (Post 13619)
I recently noticed that quite a few people seem to have arrived in the poly lifestyle through swinging.

What is your opinion on the subject of swinging?

:eek:

More power to 'em. I figure they can do their thing and we can do ours. Those who come to poly via swinging are quite welcome.

I'm not interested in swinging, nor am I interested in dating any swingers. Tried it once long ago and that was more than enough.

GroundedSpirit 11-29-2009 03:33 PM

Swinging
 
I think in order to debate something like this sensibly we'd need to come to some agreed on definition of the term. We've had some exposure to what most probably consider the "swinging community" over the years and can attest to the fact the the philosophies of the individuals there vary widely. I find it hard to put a box around the term at all.
Here's part of "why".
In some earlier post on a different topic I tossed out the question of "swinging" as a "gateway drug" so to speak. A beginning step along a longer and more complex path. Because I've seen a reasonably substantial number of people associated with that lifestyle that really - down deep - were looking for more meaningful connections. And they were open to them. But most seemed to have no exposure or knowledge of polyarmory at all ! The minute "poly" seems to find itself into word a majority of people automatically connect it to "polygamy" and all the bad associations most people have of that (valid or not).
So although it seems on the outside that "swinging" may be all about "sex" the reality is somewhat different. Now granted - sex is a HUGE issue for most people in one way or another and a topic in itself. Hell sex is a big issue for all living species ! The fact that it's been suppressed in humans for so many years has only increased the desires.
So in a nutshell - I guess I believe we need to be careful about drawing too rigid a line between the two terms and to take every opportunity we get to educate anyone - regardless of "label" - who is "reaching out" into some of the possibilities that exist that they may never have been aware of !

GS

AutumnalTone 11-29-2009 04:09 PM

It ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

I don't object to people fucking around--more power to 'em! I also know it's not polyamory. People may exhibit a range of behaviors along the spectrum of nonmonogamy. Yes, swingers may become attached in some measure and that may lead to full-blown romantic ties and polyamory. Some folks may swing AND have multiple loving relationships.

That, however, doesn't erase the fundamental divide between swinging and poly. Swinging IS all about the sex, despite some swingers wanting or going on to seek romantic connections. That the people add other behaviors doesn't mean that swinging is something other than what it is. You'd be mistaking the actor for the act to say otherwise.

In disc sports, ultimate and disc golf are two distinct activities. There are ulty players who also golf and golfers who also play ulty. To say that ulty and golf are indistinct because some players engage in both is nonsensical. The same applies in the world of nonmonogamy.

GroundedSpirit 11-29-2009 04:57 PM

Ooooo-k
 
Hi Crow,

Ok - think we'll agree to disagree on this one. And I'll be shocked if you don't get flayed by some of our resident defenders of labels,stereotypes etc. <grin>
The "divide" you speak of is one we choose to build - or not. You do. I don't think everyone else may. That's ok.

My point was that (if we even agreed) that "swinging" was "all about sex" as you say, that there's a good chance that that's what the participants "think" it is - for lack of sufficient self analysis. And through that gateway they MAY discover more. More about their own true nature & desires. That the "sex" - although maybe some small part - was NOT what that "pull" really was at all ! At the root of it was a desire for some deeper connection they felt they needed.

But I think your analogy i.e. golf, comes up short too. A better one might be between swimming and a triathlon :)

GS

AutumnalTone 11-29-2009 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 13664)
The "divide" you speak of is one we choose to build - or not. You do. I don't think everyone else may. That's ok.

The divide is one based on what's going on. It's not only theoretical, it's practical.

Quote:

My point was that (if we even agreed) that "swinging" was "all about sex" as you say, that there's a good chance that that's what the participants "think" it is - for lack of sufficient self analysis. And through that gateway they MAY discover more. More about their own true nature & desires. That the "sex" - although maybe some small part - was NOT what that "pull" really was at all ! At the root of it was a desire for some deeper connection they felt they needed.
It matters not what secret desire draws somebody to begin swinging. The actions are what matter. If they're taking sexual partners without intent of building a romantic relationship, they're swinging. They might also subconsciously have a desire to pursue additional romantic ties--and that's irrelevant to what they actually DO. If that desire exhibits as swinging, it's still swinging.

And, even if they do pursue additional romantic ties--poly behavior--if they also pursue just sex, where they're pursuing just sex is still swinging, where the pursuit of the relationships is still poly. Poly does not become swinging, and swinging does not become poly, just because some people do both.

It's quite less-than-useful to conflate the actor with the act or to conflate the motivation with the act.

Quote:

But I think your analogy i.e. golf, comes up short too. A better one might be between swimming and a triathlon :)

If you'd like, I can offer up distance throwing (just sex) as a disc sport (nonmonogamy) and contrast it with ultimate, which involves a good deal more than just throwing (sex as part of a relationship).

There are folks who do both. That doesn't mean that distance throwing and ulty are the same thing. Some folks may even do distance throwing when what they really want to do is play ulty. That doesn't make distance throwing ulty nor those who only throw for distance ulty players. The distance throwers may even study ulty and learn all about it. Until they actually play ulty, though, they're not ulty players. And even if they do begin to play ulty, when they're in a distance throwing competition, they're not playing ulty. So, while both sports involve throwing a disc (nonmonogamy), they are not the same thing under any circumstances.


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