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-   -   New, in a pickle and in need of advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1645)

neilpoly 12-03-2009 04:00 AM

New, in a pickle and in need of advice
 
I'll try and keep this concise if possible.

I originally thought I was getting into a poly relationship but it is a little more complicated. My friend, shortly after I met her, mentions she is getting married and also has a boyfriend. Now initially, being new to thinking about being poly, I was surprised but openminded and was ok with this.

It turns out that the boyfriend was out of the picture and that the fiance was only a friend who asked her to marry shortly after I started seeing her.

We are both 40 and her fiance is older. So I think we are a little more grounded. I am pretty much in love with her and she with me. I assume she loves her fiance as well as she is still getting married. Although I suspect there are other issues at play here too.

Now I am perfectly happy with her getting married. I love my freedom and whilst I might have considered marrying her myself thats not an option now. What I am not happy about is that I might be losing a friend and a lover. She is pretty much open to being poly and she does have an agreement with her fiance that she can have relationships with women if he is not around.

Ok on to my question. I suppose I am wanting to know if I should get out now while I can or see if a poly relationship with them (her really) is possible. She might well be a love of my life and whilst I could let her go I am going to feel really sad about it.

I was considering mentioning that I had been thinking of a solution. Basically talking to her fiance, mentioning that I am happy with them getting married and tactfully mentioning that I also have feelings for her and wanting to know if he minded me seeing her on occasion. (I have met him several times and also like him and I am pretty sure he knows I have been seeing her sexually).

This might be the most complicated newbie question yet :eek:

Some wise words of wisdom would be welcome.

Thanks

Erosa 12-03-2009 04:09 AM

Well I can't speak from any great amount of poly experiance but it does seem that you have the same basic insecurity problem as anyone who is on new turf.

What worried me is that you don't seem to know how much the fiance knows about you and your girlfriend.

If she's truly 'poly' he should KNOW. Poly is about openness and honesty. If she's 'hiding' you then she's not being poly, she's cheating.

crisare 12-03-2009 04:51 AM

Quote:

she can have relationships with women if he is not around.
That kind of sent up red flags to me.

Not around as is "doesn't know" or not around as in "not involved" ... or ... ?

I don't think all partners have to be involved equally, but it sounds like there's a potential lack of openness or honesty there.

DrunkenPorcupine 12-03-2009 05:14 AM

This situation sends up all kinds of red flags for me.

She's getting married, but this hasn't been communicated to you before now?

To me, poly is about being able to let relationships evolve to whatever they may become. While I understand rules play a big part in a relationship, I have to wonder how comfortable he truely is with polyamory if he's stipulating only relationships with women are okay.

I also noticed a lack of feeling in your posts, with one glaring exception. You mentioned fear of losing a friend and partner. Do you feel this because you think she may be committing to monogamy with him? If so, I think you and her need to be realistic about what your relationship means to each of you. Perhaps she's got a different set of values that differ from yours, which could spell trouble even without the pending marriage.

Anyway, good luck. I know it's not an easy situation to be in. Emotions run high, especially when love is involved.

GroundedSpirit 12-03-2009 02:50 PM

Only complicated if....
 
Hi Neil...
Really - your situation is not (in theory) that complicated at all - or uncommon.
But as someone already mentioned I think - and something ALL of us rave about constantly here - communication is in order here. It doesn't sound like the 3 (potentially 4 ?) of you are all sitting down at the same table and talking OPENLY & HONESTLY with each other yet.
Until EVERYONE knows what everyone else is thinking and what their priorities are, there's huge risks in doing or ASSUMING anything !

RE: your comment about "Other issues at play"......
"Marriage" has been undergoing a pretty significant evolution for some time now and it means different things to different people. One of those things that I think more people are willing to open up about than in the past is the concept that it may be more of a "legal contract" - like a business contract. It's a legal as well as physical arrangement set up to benefit & protect both parties. That was always the case, it's just that not a lot of people were willing to call a spade a spade. I think it would be good for you ALL to know what this "marriage" is really going to mean to the married couple.

You also mentioned that the prospective husband "has no issue" with her having relationships with other "women if he's not around" (whatever THAT means ?) . The implication there being (I may read this wrong ?) that he MAY have "issues" with other males in the picture. You really need to know that - ya think ! ? Everyone does ! From the heart - honestly.

So it seems you're in the position where two outcomes are most likely.
1> You all sit down & have a real heart-to-heart which may affect the plan for any marriage.
2> You just sit tight on the sideline and accept that the marriage MAY need to go ahead for those "other issues at play" and that if that's what's most important to her it will end up excluding you. At least in any honest and drama free way.

I doubt that anyone here would propose any solution to pursuing this relationship with less than 100% openness & honesty. Too much potential harm in that path.
And whether we like it or not "marriage" is a common tool for meeting people's physical (security, financial etc) needs, even if not their emotional ones. People are willing to make that trade-off. We all wish it could be otherwise - but it isn't. We need a roof over our head, we need to eat, etc etc. I think that realization is substantially at the heart of the growing "poly" acceptance. There are ways we can find the pieces we want for our happiness & security, but in order to do that we have change our thinking, fight our insecurities and RISK.
Go slow, be honest - both with yourself & the others.

GS


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