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-   -   Cautious toe in the water (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16305)

mennodaughter 10-28-2011 01:01 AM

Cautious toe in the water
I'm brand new here. I'm not new to exploration or an open relationship, but I'm very new to making any declaration that I have this type of marriage.

Raised anabaptist, thus the user name. The board wouldn't let me use the name "preacher's daughter" that felt so much more accurate for me. Basically, I was raised being told I was immoral and inappropriately sexual from the time I was old enough to understand language based upon the fact that at 18 months I found my private parts--natural curioisity for a toddler was apparently NOT the logical explanation. Consequently, I lived with a LOT of shame about myself and anything sexual until I married and deliberately shed that paradigm and the massive serving of guilt that came with it.

I've been married for 14 years now. Seven years ago, I suggested we open the marriage. Honestly, the marriage was going great, but I some concerns that my DH would live with regret considering I was well experienced and he was a virgin. Things went great...so I thought...until I discovered that he didn't trust my yes but was still engaging in behaviors and lying about them. The lies and deciet nearly rocked our marriage and I pulled back from all but monogomy for a LONG period of healing.

Approximately 6 months ago, feeling at a place of trust and healing again, we began cautiously testing openness again.

This time, I just don't want to hide in a closet. Well, I DO, Bible-belt, preacher's kid and all of that. I just don't want to hang out here along. More than that, I don't WANT long-term monogomy and niether does he. Our hearts are with each other, but there's more to life and marriage than just monogomy imo. So...I'm here.

ImaginaryIllusion 10-28-2011 05:07 AM

Classic patterns can be hard to break...especially when they surround us everyday. Hope you and your DH find a way to unshackle yourselves from them.

Welcome to the Forum.

hyperskeptic 11-04-2011 02:01 AM

It seems strange to welcome you here, since I'm new to all this myself, but welcome, anyway.

I can relate to the background, though I was raised Lutheran in a suburb up north.

Heck, when I was monogamous and moved in with my girlfriend, my mom cried. "Where's the moral young man we raised?"

"Um," I replied, "I'm right here, acting deliberately and taking responsibility for my choices."

Not long after that, my girlfriend and I got married, which kind of spoiled the whole rebel thing. Now, 18 years later, we've chosen to open our marriage.

I can only imagine my parents' reaction!

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