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-   -   Babies and changes in poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16298)

AnnabelMore 10-27-2011 05:28 PM

Babies and changes in poly
 
When someone in a happy poly tangle has a new baby, I think we can all agree that it affects the relationships involved. If you have input on one or more of the thoughts below, please share!

If you've had a baby while ID'ing as poly...
Did you take a break from relationships that weren't with your co-parent? If so, for how long? Do you feel like that was the best choice, looking back?

If not, how, if at all, did your relationships with partners other than your co-parent change? Did you slow down, or did it spur you to get closer faster? If yes to either, why? Did your other partners also help parent, or at least take an active role with the baby? How did that affect your relationship(s) with them?

Did your co-parent's outlook on poly change, and, if so, how did that impact your life?

For people who've been partnered to folks who've had a baby with another partner...
Did you stay together? How did it change your relationship if at all? Did it change your views about parenting? Did you feel you had a special relationship to the child? If so, were there difficulties associated with loving a child not your own? What were the rewards? Would you do it again? If you and that partner broke up, did you maintain a relationship with the child?

redpepper 10-27-2011 09:19 PM

First off, I did a tag search and found this thread that might be interesting.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 108267)
If you've had a baby while ID'ing as poly...
Did you take a break from relationships that weren't with your co-parent? If so, for how long? Do you feel like that was the best choice, looking back?

Yes PN and I took a break for about four or five years. We have been together 13. I was poly before I met him, he discovered he was poly when he met me. It was an excellent choice to have LB when we did. Neither of us were with anyone, we had just bought a house and got married, it kinda went along with what everyone does at that time of life, so we did it.

None of our friends were having babies and that was my biggest regret. I would of liked to of developed closer bonds with my friends over babies, but instead it distanced us. We have no family with kids, so no cousins for LB... if our brothers were into babies we could of done that together with them too, but neither of them had babies or ever will I don't think. LB is it in our family! That isn't anything to do with poly though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 108267)
Did your other partners also help parent, or at least take an active role with the baby? How did that affect your relationship(s) with them?

Mono co-parents. He is an excellent daddy figure. He is fun, a big kid and injects a ton of humour into our lives. LB has learned lots about how to have a sense of humour from him. I think that is so important to have later in life. He has only enhanced all of our lives and our love for one another deepened the more he committed to our family unit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 108267)
Did your co-parent's outlook on poly change, and, if so, how did that impact your life?

Our outlook changed with the arrival of LB and turned into the desire for hunkering down and creating family for him to be part of. That includes his grandparents and uncles as well. I don't know if that will change as he grows and leaves home. It likely will. I expect it all will change when he flies the nest.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 108267)
For people who've been partnered to folks who've had a baby with another partner...
Did you stay together? How did it change your relationship if at all? Did it change your views about parenting? Did you feel you had a special relationship to the child? If so, were there difficulties associated with loving a child not your own? What were the rewards? Would you do it again? If you and that partner broke up, did you maintain a relationship with the child?

There were other threads that might be interesting and shed more light on this if you look for "kids" "children" "parenting" in a tag search.

SourGirl 10-27-2011 09:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 108267)
If you've had a baby while ID'ing as poly...
Did you take a break from relationships that weren't with your co-parent? If so, for how long? Do you feel like that was the best choice, looking back?

My husband and I, did take a break. I had two children when I met him. We didn`t call what we had poly, but 'exclusive swinging with good friends' lol,..anything to avoid the P-word,....:rolleyes:
I cut it off totally. I wasn`t in a very good state of mind as I had just lost a pregnancy at 5 months,..and this was the next pregnancy. So,..I cut everyone out of our life. Absolutely not the best choice. entirely the wrong choice. Those people would of been there for us, and been wonderful to have around. I hurt people I cared about deeply. My grief and fear ruled me. We took a break for over 5 years.


Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 108267)
Did your co-parent's outlook on poly change, and, if so, how did that impact your life?

I would say his outlook 'stalled' temporarily, due to children. He had positive memories though. So when he thought about it again a couple of years ago, he wanted to try it. He discovered he isn`t into anything past casual sex right now, but one never knows when things might change. We are the parents of 4 children, and what down-time he has, he doesn`t want to 'waste it' elsewhere. ( his words.)
I think that will change as the children grow. It has affected me, as it was hard for him to figure out why I would even bother with anything past a fwb. He sees it all as to much work.

AnnabelMore 10-28-2011 04:05 AM

Thanks for your responses, RP and SG! And yeah, there's definitely some good stuff in those old threads. I just like the idea of aggregating people's experiences of this particular aspect of poly parenting into one place.

If anyone hasn't experienced this stuff yet but has something to add (maybe you're pregnant, maybe your partners are trying for a kid, maybe you just think about this stuff a lot) feel free to jump in!

I suppose I should contribute myself, on the "people who've been partnered to folks who've had a baby with another partner" questions...

Did you stay together?

Yes.

How did it change your relationship if at all?

It drastically affected our sex life, in that we stopped having one. :/ The pregnancy, birth and nursing have all been rough on her. We do intend to reestablish physical intimacy in the foreseeable future, though. Also, I think seeing me stick around and help out through this has solidified my partner's trust in me, and I think that I'm closer to both her and my metamour (her husband and co-parent) than I was before.

Did it change your views about parenting?

It's one thing to know it's hard, it's another to realize it close up! Soooo hard and transformative. Also, before I couldn't remotely visualize myself as a parent, now I can even though I'm tnot ready to take that step and don't know if I ever will be.

Did you feel you had a special relationship to the child?

Absolutely, I'm in love with the little guy and I think he likes me too. :) I don't co-parent, but I'm more involved with him than any other adult aside from his parents and his two-days-per-week nanny.

If so, were there difficulties associated with loving a child not your own?

Leading up to the birth and shortly after, I struggled with wondering what my role in his life would be. Now that he's less an idea and more a reality, that question bugs me less... it just is what it is. I do miss him when I don't see him for a while, though, which obviously wouldn't happen if I were co-parenting. I get jealous of the nanny sometimes. :P

What were the rewards?

I'd never known what it's like to bond with a brand new person before. Now even if I never choose to have a child of my own I've gotten to experience that. And it's *awesome*.

Would you do it again?

Yes, with these people. With others, I think I'd be even more careful not to get too involved unless I believed the relationship was strong and would continue, because the idea that if we broke up I might lose the child in my life freaks me out.

If you and that partner broke up, did you maintain a relationship with the child?

Hopefully this won't come up! Would I if it did? Possibly, but it might be too hard. It'd be different if he were old enough to have a relationship of his own with me and would miss me, then I'd make sure to stay in his life if I could.

MichelleZed 10-30-2011 12:56 PM

I'm about 7 months pregnant now, so I can't answer all your questions, but I can keep you updated!

I have a wonderful husband and another guy I'm seeing, Sven, with whom I have a relationship best described as a warm friends-with-benefits arrangement.

I have maintained sexual and emotional relationships with both men through my pregnancy. I do wonder what will happen when the baby is born in 7 weeks (give or take!). Many women lose the desire for sex from sheer exhaustion for a few months. I sort of suspect, though, that I might be the sort of woman who will want to re-establish intimacy in some way with my husband pretty early on, even if I can't manage vaginal intercourse because of tearing, etc. But... we'll see!

What will happen with Sven is up in the air. We've had a thing going for awhile, and I'll be pretty heartbroken if he just sort of... drops me because I have a child. I hope that he will still be my good friend at least. I know that I will have less time to pursue Sven in the same way I do now, and that, because of that, our sexual relationship will probably fall by the wayside. He has a roommate that doesn't know about us, making encounters hard to plan already, and having a child will add an extra complication...

We don't have the kind of relationship where he would be expected to co-parent. But I have this fantasy that he will visit me and my baby in the hospital. I don't know if he'll even be in town. I'm giving birth over Christmas, and he has out-of-town family.

Anyway, we'll see. I guess the short answer is that I don't know what will happen with outside relationships when the kid arrives, but that I know two things: a) that I will have less time for them, and b) that I probably won't want them to completely end.

nycindie 10-30-2011 01:04 PM

Awww, MZ, how exciting - a Christmas baby!

MichelleZed 10-30-2011 01:06 PM

I know, right? Pretty exciting!!

AnnabelMore 10-30-2011 04:26 PM

Hey MZ, thanks for sharing! Have you told Sven that he's more than welcome to visit you in the hospital and that it's your hope you'll stay close after the birth? If I were him I could imagine not being sure whether my presence would be desired

MichelleZed 10-30-2011 11:47 PM

Yeah, I'm going to ask him when he gets back from his business trip in a few days. I'll ask him what his holiday plans are, and then say, hey, if you're still in town when I have my baby, will you visit me in the hospital?

nycindie 10-31-2011 12:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichelleZed (Post 108548)
"hey, if you're still in town when I have my baby, will you visit me in the hospital?"

Dear woman, that's not quite the same as letting him know you'd really love to have him there with you! :p


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