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-   -   New, curious, confused. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16230)

MayFlower 10-25-2011 09:36 PM

New, curious, confused.
 
So hello all. I'm an almost-20 female who is just recently have really started considering Polyamory in regards to my life and relationship. I am currently in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend/lifemate...thing. I never know what to call us. It's been almost four years now and while it might not seem like a long time to some, and certainly it does feel like time flew but I feel like we have a very stable foundation.

The whole Poly discussion between us started with my reading a story that featured a Triad, which Crypt (his usual online nickname) had never really seen or heard of. Not thinking much of it the idea was set aside as something interesting but nothing more. Several months/ a year passes and I'm doing some introspection and realize I have feelings for one of my best friends, another girl. Although I had a 'bi-phase' in middle school I had decided after a while I was straight. Or possibly bi-romantic. Crypt thinks I might be actually bisexual. I don't really know.

But anyway I let that thought go about my friend because it felt like a passing thought, not a great desire and I didn't know how she or Crypt would feel about it, and I never really put much effort into the idea.

A few months pass and Crypt brings it up. I'm not actually too surprised because I know they were close and he cared a lot about her and sometimes the way he said things did sound like a crush. So we talked about Polyamory. My friend was in a relationship though so we decided to try and make some friends by way of the PolyMatchMaker site and see if that lead anywhere. That happened all of a week ago. The forums on that site are rather slow though even if the people are pretty nice so after lurking here for the past day or two I've decided to post and hang out in a more official way.


TL;DR : Hi, I'm young, new, need people to talk to about these things and this forum is faster than the other site I'm on. I like to bounce ideas off of people and like to ask for advice a lot but hopefully I won't be too much of a nusence(sp?).

Also I love to talk about myself so feel free to ask questions xD

AnnabelMore 10-25-2011 11:33 PM

Hey May. :) Go slow, communicate a lot, and don't get too set on any particular way things have to go or a relationship structure that you might have in your head as ideal... just explore and see what life beings you. Oh, and read the stuff at www.morethantwo.com, it's awesome.

MayFlower 10-25-2011 11:39 PM

Hehe, yeah that's pretty much the key to my current relationship too, communicate. I have been reading just about anything I can get my hands on relating to the subject as I usually do. I'm gonna be really excited just to make new friends. I love making friends xD

I do try not to make any plans too far ahead of time, I donno if its just the nature of life or my relationship with Crypt but every plan we make seems to change about 6 times before we get there, usually for even better results than the original plan.

AnnabelMore 10-25-2011 11:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MayFlower (Post 108028)
Hehe, yeah that's pretty much the key to my current relationship too, communicate. I have been reading just about anything I can get my hands on relating to the subject as I usually do. I'm gonna be really excited just to make new friends. I love making friends xD

I do try not to make any plans too far ahead of time, I donno if its just the nature of life or my relationship with Crypt but every plan we make seems to change about 6 times before we get there, usually for even better results than the original plan.

Perfect! If you've got comunication and flexibility down, you're well on your way to being poly pros. ;)

Shiar 10-26-2011 05:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MayFlower (Post 108028)
I'm gonna be really excited just to make new friends. I love making friends xD

Hello May! I just joined the forum looking for new friends as well! My long time bf and I just expanded our relationship recently to include our live in bf. We are all three fairly new to the poly relationship so it's been great reading the information on this forum, and everyone seems pretty supportive and friendly here. Welcome!:)

47newbie 10-26-2011 01:47 PM

Another thing to remember is that not all romances need to go physical to be "romantic." I'm certainly not discouraging the physical, and personally I see sex as a significant expression of ones feeling for another. However, the older I get the more I realize some of those around me love me without needing to sleep with me.

As with any relationship sex can change preceptions and expectations, so enjoy each step of the romance before proceeding to the next. Sometimes you can't "back step."

MayFlower 10-26-2011 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 47newbie (Post 108076)
Another thing to remember is that not all romances need to go physical to be "romantic." I'm certainly not discouraging the physical, and personally I see sex as a significant expression of ones feeling for another. However, the older I get the more I realize some of those around me love me without needing to sleep with me.

As with any relationship sex can change preceptions and expectations, so enjoy each step of the romance before proceeding to the next. Sometimes you can't "back step."

I totally agree o.o I have absolutely no problem waiting for a few years even before things get that far. And sense I might only be Bi romantic anyway that could be just a perminate thing.

bulrush 10-26-2011 07:07 PM

Hi Mayflower,
My current gf is bi. She goes through "phases" for a few years, where sometimes she likes women, sometimes men. She is currently in a "man" phase, so we are dating. You may have "phases" also. Don't worry about it. Try to accept yourself for who you are.

She has a need to be in an open relationship, so we agreed to do that, and tell each other about our FWB. We are the primary couple, and consider ourselves "lifemates". But we do communicate. If someone is uncomfortable with adding an FWB, that's ok. I have not any of her other guys yet, I did not feel the need to. However, we both like the same type of people, so I feel comfortable with who she chooses.

When I date other girls, I do tell potential girl "others" the situation I'm in before the first date. First, I talk to them online and on the phone to see if we are a good match, then I tell them about my gf and open relationship. I do not have secret affairs, and if the "other" has a boyfriend I want to talk to him personally. I want him to know about me also, and be good with it.

Oddly enough, whenever she tells me about a new guy, I am very happy for her. I am not a jealous person at all. We talk about it, she is so excited about it, and I'm so happy she's happy. I think that's how it should be.

MayFlower 10-26-2011 08:24 PM

That makes a lot sense about the phases about Bi-ness. I go through so many other phases so why not this one? (Like my art, first writing then drawing then nothing than crafts then reading, repeat, go out of order etc).

As for the really open Poly...ideal? I guess would be the word. Both of us aren't really...considering that...yet. He is adamant about although adding another person we neither one could handle being devoted to more than that, and I can see that easily. This is such a recent revelation to our relationship though I donno how its going to end up, but I am excited to find out. There seems to be a lot of things recently we have been reveling to each other (or discovering together) that I feel like there's a bit that needs to settle before I can really start making good ideas about where things are going to go.

The only issue I see is that we DO have some issues both as people and the relationship that need worked on. We are both extremely paranoid people at times. But then again I do want to see him happy, I want to see him with more friends at the least.

I think we have NRE with the idea of a triad and that kinda scares me a bit, idk how solid it's going to end up.

AnnabelMore 10-26-2011 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MayFlower (Post 108138)
I think we have NRE with the idea of a triad and that kinda scares me a bit, idk how solid it's going to end up.

Be careful about this. Many couples new to poly get it into their heads that bringing a bi woman into their relationship will be magical and then get blindsided by the complications. It's better to fall in love with individuals and then find the right structure, rather than falling in love with a structure and then trying to fit people into it. It's scarier, letting life surprise you, but it's also way more real and workable in the end.

Some thoughts on the matter, from another site: http://www.lovemore.com/blog/?p=1050...#comment-28308

See also: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3693


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