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-   -   "Everyone Deserves A Second Chance" (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16203)

Somegeezer 10-25-2011 01:33 AM

"Everyone Deserves A Second Chance"
 
I've recently made up with my last partner, Cherry. To the point where we are both willing to do things again and see where things will go. It got me thinking about second chances. This is the first time ever in a relationship that this has come up for me really. I've always been a believer in the second chance, but also skeptical on how it would ever really work. I suppose I'll find out for myself.

But more to the point, I was wondering what YOU guys think about second chances. Have you ever had a second chance/given someone a second chance? How did things work out the second time round? If things didn't work out the second time, would you even consider the third chance? If so, when would you put your foot down? Why?

opalescent 10-25-2011 02:42 AM

Geezer,

Beloved and I broke up several years ago and were apart for almost 2 years. We got together again and stayed together for 7 more years. I wish I had handled several things differently during those years - gotten professional help for my lack of desire, changed how we interacted in some other ways - but I don't regret that we got back together. The consequences of getting back together are currently painful but I'm trying to accept that pain and learn from it.

I wish you and Cherry the best!

Moonglow 10-25-2011 11:20 AM

I have given one second chance in my life. It worked for a while and it wasn't due to anything about our relationship that it didn't work. I expect him to show up on my doorstep any day now looking for another chance. I rarely if ever cut someone off cold turkey but there's a few people I probably would never give a second chance. But I think there just something so permanent about the word never...

nycindie 10-25-2011 12:31 PM

I'm all for second changes SG, as long as all parties are willing to make changes and it isn't just a rehash of what was going on before. I would, personally, ask that I see some progress in areas that were issues, and let them know that it won't be good enough if some effort isn't made.

You wanted a partner who accepted such a huge, important part of who you are, and it was frustrating to you that Cherry had such a hard time with jealousy and trying to understand polyamory, even though you didn't have any other partners beside her. I hope she is more willing this time around than she was before, to look at her fears and jealousy, try to deconstruct them, and examine the difficulty she had in being in a relationship with someone who is polyamorous, even if it is by taking baby steps. Because it did sound like you had a good connection with each other, so I wish only good things for you both as you move forward in "Phase II." ;)

Somegeezer 10-25-2011 03:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent (Post 107908)
Geezer,

Beloved and I broke up several years ago and were apart for almost 2 years. We got together again and stayed together for 7 more years. I wish I had handled several things differently during those years - gotten professional help for my lack of desire, changed how we interacted in some other ways - but I don't regret that we got back together. The consequences of getting back together are currently painful but I'm trying to accept that pain and learn from it.

I wish you and Cherry the best!

Wow, 2 years apart and still there was something that brought you both together again. It's unfortunate it ended again. Would you go for the third chance were it available to you?

Thanks, I wish the best for us too. But it really is going to be about taking it slow and sorting through problems we already had.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moonglow (Post 107944)
I have given one second chance in my life. It worked for a while and it wasn't due to anything about our relationship that it didn't work. I expect him to show up on my doorstep any day now looking for another chance. I rarely if ever cut someone off cold turkey but there's a few people I probably would never give a second chance. But I think there just something so permanent about the word never...

I agree. I hate the word never and wouldn't use it unless I was absolutely certain all over. In terms of relationships, I think a lot of people at least have a line where it just becomes too much and never is the only option.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 107950)
I'm all for second changes SG, as long as all parties are willing to make changes and it isn't just a rehash of what was going on before. I would, personally, ask that I see some progress in areas that were issues, and let them know that it won't be good enough if some effort isn't made.

You wanted a partner who accepted such a huge, important part of who you are, and it was frustrating to you that Cherry had such a hard time with jealousy and trying to understand polyamory, even though you didn't have any other partners beside her. I hope she is more willing this time around than she was before, to look at her fears and jealousy, try to deconstruct them, and examine the difficulty she had in being in a relationship with someone who is polyamorous, even if it is by taking baby steps. Because it did sound like you had a good connection with each other, so I wish only good things for you both as you move forward in "Phase II." ;)

Baby steps it shall be. I think that's always a good thing to do when you get back into an old relationship. Take things slow and figure out what went wrong and make sure you put things in place for them to never happen again.

I'm not feeling overly optimistic about things. In my case with Cherry, I'm thinking I could easily come off strong by talking through a lot of the problems I have that need to be managed. Very important things that anyone would agree with. Even herself. But she's very much an emotional thinker, rather than a rational one.

When you guys come to difficult points like that, what have you done/would you do?

MrsGoo 10-26-2011 04:06 PM

When my husband and I were dating I was stupid and listened to other people instead of following my heart and I broke up with him. Immediately I know I made the wrong decision. We were apart for about a month while I begged for a 2nd chance. We did get back together then and have been together since. I'm so glad he gave me that chance. Things have been great ever since and that was over 6 years ago.

Norithespider 10-26-2011 04:32 PM

I am all for 2nd chances, depending on the circumstances. But most of the people I have been involved with who require a 2nd chance will eventually require 3rd and 4th chances, so I have had to learn that sometimes, it is better to just walk away.

Phy 10-26-2011 05:19 PM

I was the one who gave the second chance. And it was my husband who needed it. I have always been convinced that there are certain things I wouldn't be able to forgive. But the situation was there and real, I just knew that things can be quite different from how you imagined them. I never doubted this decision or was unhappy with it. It was some kind of wake up call and I was happy to be all in the moment it occurred. I have never forgotten but I have forgiven in our case.

But I knew as well: there won't be a third one. Never. Things can be forgiven/fixed/tried again once; if there is the will to work it out and insight in what went wrong. But if the same happens again, something went so wrong that the persons involved were incapable to learn something out of this experience. And that's where I would draw a line. Of course there can always be new shit going on. But I wouldn't give a third chance for the same thing.

Somegeezer 10-26-2011 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phy (Post 108101)
I was the one who gave the second chance. And it was my husband who needed it. I have always been convinced that there are certain things I wouldn't be able to forgive. But the situation was there and real, I just knew that things can be quite different from how you imagined them. I never doubted this decision or was unhappy with it. It was some kind of wake up call and I was happy to be all in the moment it occurred. I have never forgotten but I have forgiven in our case.

But I knew as well: there won't be a third one. Never. Things can be forgiven/fixed/tried again once; if there is the will to work it out and insight in what went wrong. But if the same happens again, something went so wrong that the persons involved were incapable to learn something out of this experience. And that's where I would draw a line. Of course there can always be new shit going on. But I wouldn't give a third chance for the same thing.

But would you give another chance if something completely different happened?
I can definitely see where it would be hard to really consider when the same thing keeps happening. I don't think I'd want to try a third time for the same reason. A second chance is there to be able to actually work through a problem. If you don't work through it there and then, well you obviously didn't want it all that much.

Phy 10-26-2011 06:30 PM

Yep I would, as I said in the sentence in front of the bolded part. It always depends on the person, on the relationship and such, but if it's 'a first' and the relationship 'is worth it', I would always first work through the problem before I bury my head in the sand. And I assume that I can say, that I NEVER would want to be in a relationship that I do not consider 'worth the effort' of maintaining.

If there wouldn't be the chance for a second chance, it would tell me something about my attitude towards this relationship and then it really wouldn't be worth the effort.


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