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-   -   Friends? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16176)

Insane00illusions 10-24-2011 07:58 AM

I just would like some other opinions from people on here.

When you begin dating someone who has a primary partner, or your primary partner picks up a secondary partner do you see it as necessary to be friends. For example if if I was to date your husband/wife/SO would you need to be my friend and know me well before I was "allowed" to date them?

Is this a restrection/boundry in your relationships? Personally I can see it both ways, I am not sure I would want to be friends with my boyfriends girlfriend (if he had one purely hypothetical), I would think mutal respect and caring, and trust would be enough. But do I need to go out with her alone for a girls night... I don't think so.

Post.. talk... I'm interested :D

Phy 10-24-2011 08:29 AM

To give you the perspective of 'the person in the middle':

In regard to my two men I have to say: it would be nearly impossible for me if they couldn't call each other friends. If they couldn’t, hm well, sort of approve of each other in this intimate way. Because they are the most important parts of my life and I would feel like my life got kind of separated or split up if they hadn't been this fond of each other.

Maybe this point of view is an extreme one; there have been many stories where the people involved manage as well. But I am kind of greedy in a way there. I need all my important people close to me and need the conviction that they are getting as much out of each other as I do. If I would be the only deeper link connecting them, just because they fell in love with me but the respective other wouldn't tell them anything, it would feel like I am pressing a person in their life that would never be there otherwise and they put up with some discomfort for my sake.

Sward once said that he would have befriended Lin if they met in a different surrounding and the same is true for Lin. And Sward said that it would have been really difficult to manage the poly journey with someone he didn't knew and didn't trust and maybe didn't like the way he felt about Lin. Lin is even more traditional than Sward is (in regard to the monogamous business) and he couldn't imagine any other constellation as being very fond of the metamour that is present in the same relationship as he is in. Because: they are part of your life in a very intimate way. And to feel content and satisfied with every part of your private life, you need to feel content and satisfied with every person that is involved in it.

That's how we work :)

nycindie 10-24-2011 11:49 AM

There are a gazillion threads on this topic. Do a tag search for "metamour" or "metamours" to find them. Any partner of someone you would be dating is considered your metamour in poly-speak. Lots of threads here about managing that relationship.

And no, it isn't necessary to be friends with a metamour, but most folks generally feel that it's good to at least be acquainted and have a respectful polite acknowledgment of each other. But there are people whose metamours never even meet (although they should know about each other, for honesty's sake) and everything works just fine, so it's up to the parties involved.

redpepper 10-25-2011 06:06 AM

What NYCindie said. ;)

FireChild 10-26-2011 02:48 AM

You could date my husband but before you two became more than something casual I'd need to at least know you. Not be best buds but at least be good and friendly.

It's not something that's right for everyone, but in our setup....my husband is a GIANT homebody. If he had a secondary they'd likely be over here a LOT because my husband likes to be in his home with his things. If I have to see your face all the time I at least don't want to hate you.

Insane00illusions 10-26-2011 04:42 AM


Originally Posted by FireChild (Post 108047)
If I have to see your face all the time I at least don't want to hate you.

ha ha, I love it. I think if I had a secondary I would prefer him to be friends with my boyfriend, I like all my friends to be friends and everyone to be happy. I think it would be harder for me to be friends, well because I just have a hard time making new friends.

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