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Shiar 10-23-2011 11:46 PM

New Poly Member~Seeking Advice
I've been checking in off and on with the forums here for the past few months and finally decided it was time to join and reach out!

Alright here we go...

I'm a 25 year old bisexual female that has been in a committed relationship with my bf "K" for most of the past 8 years. He is bisexual and we have had a fairly comfortable open relationship in which we accepted each others desires, and allowed same sex partners for the past several years. I have made a few wonderful friends from this acceptance, but he has always been somewhat hesitant to branch out again.

Now we are exploring a new field all together with our mutual live in bisexual bf "D". He moved in first as a roommate on a close friendship level, but "K" has always had a bit of an attraction to "D", and their relationship began to develop outside of friendship. "K" encouraged my friendship with "D" to help smooth out the "newness", and over the Summer we became close friends. Our feelings for one another grew, and we all decided to try a poly approach with the three of us.

However now "K" is struggling with my relationship with "D" and though "D" and I both are being supportive and open with him he is having a lot of difficulty with the situation. I am somewhat at a loss for what to do to ease his worries and make sure he comfortable with our new relationship. I sincerely hope to find open and helpful guidance and support from the Poly forum community.

Thanks for reading everyone and goodness I apologize for the length!

AnnabelMore 10-24-2011 02:44 PM

Well, to start, what are the nature of K's difficulties and worries?

47newbie 10-24-2011 06:01 PM

It is difficult to speculate what "K" issues are without a bigger picture of the situation. Has K had issues with other male partners you've had in the past? If so, are the current issues connected to the fact that D is now a member of your household.

It just an opinion, but I suspect the most men are protective by nature, its possible while K is not jealous of the relationship you have with D, some of the male protective instincts are cropping up.

These may resolve themselves over time as "K" relationship with "D" matures, D can do little to address the issue with K. K will need to resolve the issues within himself.

I think your communications with K will be helpful too. Re-exam your last series of interactions with K. Have you unknowingly, cast yourself in more of a sibling role with K than you realized?

Or has K inadvertently cast you into the sibling role?

Either way, the only way to break "k" mindset is to present yourself as more lover than friend to K, IMHO.

Shiar 10-25-2011 01:24 PM

I only have a quick moment...

We have taken time to sit down and discuses what the issues are at this time, and K stated he has been struggling with some insecurities in me having another live in bf even though he also involved with him. This is the first time I've been seriously involved with another male besides K. I appreciate the advise and I do need to spend some more time making sure I continue to present myself as his lover. This is a very new arrangement for all of us, and I'm still learning the ins and outs. : ) Thanks for your input I really appreciate the guidance. I'll post again soon!

bulrush 10-26-2011 07:15 PM

Have you told "K" that you are still interested in him? Sometimes one likes vanilla ice cream, but sometimes one has to have something different, like chocolate ice cream. That does not make vanilla ice cream bad, they are both desireable.

Each person has different traits that draw you to him, I'm sure. All those traits are good. That does not make neither man bad.

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