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-   -   What now? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16129)

Insane00illusions 10-23-2011 07:58 AM

What now?
Well I will give some background information and then I will get up to date on my current conflict.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years exclusively. I'm not one for casual sex and no one has really caught my eye. However my boyfriend and I try to keep an open convo about it in case something ever comes up so we are as prepared as possible.

I have had a friend who I have had feelings for, well for a really long time. But he had a girlfriend and they got married and it's always been something that I didn't think to much about until a couple of months ago when they were telling me they were thinking about taking the what I would call the Poly leap. I thought about it for a while and the more they talked about it, I mentioned to my friends wife that I had feelings for him. She was really calm about, I don't think surprised and we decided the first thing we wanted to do was know each other better.

My boyfriend was fine in the situation, and her and I started swapping stories and getting to know each other better. She told me she was a little overwhelmed by the whole situation so I didn't discuss it with my friend (her hubby) I was mostly concerned with her feelings and comfort with the situation.

After about 2 weeks of talks between them, she got ahold of me and said they had decided to keep their relationship mono. Well I wasn't really sad more like a little bruised ego for sticking my neck into a situation and maybe making a friendship awkward. it's been about 3 weeks ago.

Tonight I happened to be hanging out with a group of friends including them, and about midevening my friend's wife said she wasn't feeling well and went inside. He was acting kind of strange so I asked him if he was ok, he said he would tell me later. When we were outside alone he told me she was upset about the "poly-thing".

I sat there kinda dumb for a minute and said, "What thing? We squashed that." I explained to him i didn't even feel weird anymore about it. He said "Yes but I still have feelings for you."

Thats the first time I had ever heard him say that he had feelings for me. I was instanly, shocked, overwhelmed, and sitting there with a tummy full of butterflies. I told him that feelings don't just go away quickly but they had to be controlled and that the decision had been made and we just had to get past it.

then he tells me he asked his wife if he could kiss me, and that she was a little upset but said ok. In turn I said no he could not kiss me. because my boyfriend wouldn't know beforehand (he wasn't at the gathering) and mostly because I don't feel like an upset yes is the kind of yes I would want to move forward with.

Now I'm home, I feel conflicted about the entire situation. I like everything up front and open, good feelings, bad feelings, give it to me like it is and lets deal with it. and now I feel so in the gray as to what is happening. I know what it's like to be with someone who isn't poly and tells you that you can't feel the way you do. But I have the most respect for his wife and I refuse to be a part of anything she doesn't feel good about. It's a bad foundation.

I guess this was mostly a vent typing it out I see it's mostly their issue to work on and not mine. I'm confident that I did the right thing by refusing a kiss tonight. Any insight or advice from anyone would be very welcomed.

nycindie 10-23-2011 10:34 AM


Originally Posted by Insane00illusions (Post 107646)
I'm confident that I did the right thing by refusing a kiss tonight.

I agree. And I applaud you , because it's actually quite refreshing to read your story.

You stood by your convictions and you can hold your head up high. Now you know that their decision to not move forward into poly is probably centered around her own insecurities or fears, nothing that you did. And, looking ahead, you can just be open to possibilities, whether it's with someone else, or something changes with what they want. Not that you should be at their mercy but, if it feels right someday. But always stick to your guns, woman!

AnnabelMore 10-23-2011 02:00 PM

Yes, major kudos! You definitely did the right thing, not just for her or them but for yourself.

AnnabelMore 10-23-2011 02:13 PM

As for "what now", you're right again... it's their issue, not yours. You seem smart and respectful of yourself and of them, so I'm sure you'll do a good job of figuring out how to keep a little distance if necessary without losing the friendships. And hey, of course you can't be angling for this in good conscience, but... many people just learning about poly need time to adjust to the idea. No guarantees, but I'd say theres every possibility that she'll come around in her own time.

Insane00illusions 10-23-2011 07:37 PM

Thanks for backing me up. It makes me feel good to know that other people in the poly community feel like I did the right thing. I still feel anxious about the entire situation, well because I don't know whats going on.
Trying to think of the entire situation and what is best for everyone is hard. I feel guilty about the little nagging selfish voice in the back of my head. Although I would never let that voice when, or even talk out loud lol.

I've been in relationships in the past where I let what I wanted over ride the feelings of my SO. sadly those relationships ended badly but it's how I figured out who I am. I hate to see him go down that road of pushing his wife to be ok, because it's what he wants. But I don't know if I should caution him, or leave it be, because in the end it's their relationship and I don't know the inner workings of it.

Of course I want her to be ok with it, but because she actually is, not because he pushed. The feelings involved are just so strong (not that I'm trying to educate anyone here on feelings!! lol) they are hard to overlook. And it's going to be even harder knowing he is having a hard time overlooking them. :confused:

Insane00illusions 10-23-2011 07:40 PM


Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 107671)
No guarantees, but I'd say theres every possibility that she'll come around in her own time.

That is about where I had placed the situation in my head, I was thinking "well she may change her mind sometime once she knows me better, but if not hey I still have my friends" now it's back up in my face dominating my thoughts and worries.

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