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-   -   communication assistance (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1600)

lost 12-01-2009 12:51 AM

communication assistance
 
Background:

My wife told me that she's polyamorous and wants a separation. I felt threatened, insecure, apparently all the normal things. I'm coming around, accepting that she can love multiple people. We still have a lot of ground work to address, rules and expectations, I have personal growth to address, all on top of a shaky marriage. We're seeing a marriage counselor who is quite accepting of my wife's needs. We see him again on Friday and I'm looking forward to it.

The here and now:

So, my wife got a call from a newish friend who needs a ride to a storage unit in a town about 3 hours away round trip. This friend has a reputation for disturbing relationships on shaky ground. A rumor that was brought to my attention yesterday while we were hanging out at a friends house. My wife had left to get lunch and I was returning from the restroom when I caught the tail end of the conversation, pried a little bit, and discovered who they were talking about.

So I'm concerned. Less concerned about her relationship with this friend, he's a nice enough guy. However, I am concerned about how their friendship will affect our relationship. I'm also concerned that if she gets intimately involved with her friend it could be easier for her to not mention it than to discuss it.

I'm also concerned that my thoughts might be a manefestation of jealousy. Aditionaly I don't know how to frame these concerns so my wife dosn't take it as a personal attack.

This is a good test for me. Any guidance is appreciated.

Ceoli 12-01-2009 12:56 AM

Check this thread out for some communication tools and tips:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255

Erosa 12-01-2009 01:03 AM

This sounds like a hard place to be. I think your concerns are valid but you have to ask yourself; what can you really do? If you refuse to let your wife see him then you will be right back with the problem you started with. At least it seems that way to me.

I sincerely hope that everything works out. :)

LovingRadiance 12-01-2009 02:38 AM

yet another disasterous start (no offense intended feel free to read my story-I had my own big disasterous start).

I highly suggest:
stick with the counselor
work on YOURSELF
remind yourself daily-you can only change YOURSELF
let go of your "claim" on your wife (it's not real anyway)
work on figuring out what YOU need to be happy in life
once you know-decide IS that compatible w/what she needs
read the communication thread on the forum under "general"

lost 12-01-2009 05:54 AM

Thank you Ceoli. This looks like a good resource to digest.

LovingRadiance, good point! Just when I thought I was working on some of the me issues you bring several concepts to light that I had been ignoring. What do I need to be happy in life?! Why isn't this a question I've been asking myself for years? Definetly a question I'll be spending some time pondering.

I'm off to read the valuable resources you both so kindly pointed out to me. Thanks again!

LovingRadiance 12-01-2009 06:04 AM

Lost-in truth-we're all lost-in some issue of our life. :)
We're each in our own spot so where we are, someone else has already been and if we let them-they can suggest the pitfalls to avoid.

You might also look at www.lovemore.com, www.xeromag.com and check out some of the books that are listed in the recommended books list. ;)
All have been VERY helpful for me!

Sweetheart 12-02-2009 09:10 AM

Hang in there, lost. This is a challenging time for you, a nexus if you will. I agree with the advice that's been given to you already. Read as much as possible, listen to others who've been there, and do as much work on yourself as you can. Be supportive and loving. Communicate, and be honest but respectful when you do. You are not alone. Many of us have been through similar situations, and we understand!


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