Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Honesty in poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15960)

Moonmama 10-18-2011 04:28 PM

Honesty in poly
 
Namaste! So nice to be here

I have been in poly relationships since I was 15 and I have always been super happy, confident and open about those relationships with everyone. I'm now in a marriage with my husband, and have a poly partner, who has been in the closet poly. He has never been in an open poly relationship so e always cheated. He had a girlfriend when we met, and fell in love with my husband and I. He now has learned about poly and sees that there are other types of deep spiritual relationships outside of the "norm" that dont have to involve limitations of monogamy. However he still has a "non-poly" girlfriend who is in the dark about what has been going on. She was going to be moving away but now is staying and so now I'm in the place of feeling uncomfortable that there is darkness in what was going to be moving in to he light very soon. By no means do I want him to end it with her, I just want him to be honest with her. He feels it would make things hard for her. I have never been in a poly relationship where there wasnt openess and honesty so this perplexes me. The three of us are pregnant I might add. I'm not a controlling type person either, and am not looking to force his hand, nor am I a pushover. I believe in the divine unfolding of things but lying does not resonate wih me. I have been honest about my relationship and pregnancy wih most of my friends but there is a small group of mutual friends that I have to lie to at this point. I would like some feedback if anyone has the time <3

In love and light
Moonmama

AnnabelMore 10-18-2011 04:44 PM

To be completely straightforward, your boyfriend is acting like a coward. He says he doesn't want to make things hard for his girlfriend... ok... you know what's really really hard? Finding out you've been deceived in an ongoing fashion by someone you love.

This is deeply unfair to her on several levels. Let's take just one -- std risk. Right now she has every reason to believe her risk is low to non-existent because she believes she and her boyfriend are monogamous. However she is wrong about that. She should get the chance to accurately evaluate the level of risk she is taking on so she can decide what's right for her.

I'm not big on ultimatums but in this case I would issue one to your boyfriend. It's not fair to you and your husband to expect you to be involved in this demeaning and dangerous duplicity. This isn't some situation where he had no choice but to go behind his cold and cruel wife's back in order to maintain contact with his children... he's just doing the wrong thing because it's easier. If he's willing to do that, what might he be lying to the two of you about?

He has to come clean to his gf.

Minxxa 10-18-2011 04:50 PM

I agree with Annabellemore.

To me, the degree to which people are honest or not honest defines their basic character. And if somebody is lying to one person about something so important, I just assume they are or will lie to me about important things as well.

And frankly I have not a lick of patience with dishonesty. It's cowardice. He can rationalize it all he wants to make himself feel better about why he's lying, but he's deceiving himself, and her.

Moonmama 10-18-2011 05:26 PM

I do understand that pov, but the part that is hard for me is that I don't personally think that anyone has the ability to "cause me harm" or "cause another harm" unless the other person is giving their power away and identifying with the 3rd density "physicality" and the ego. So while I know that should he choose "lie to me" it is not me he is lying to but him, and I cannot be harmed. I do love and enjoy my physical body but I know I am not the body nor the ego. This is why any "threat" of dishonesty in my relationship with him is not threatening. I accept him where he is in his process. The dillema I experience is when I know that both him and her are still at the point where they believe another person can possibly cause them to suffer. It is in this waythat he believes he can cause her suffering, she believes he can cause her suffering and you who replied believe that he can also cause all of us suffering. While I know this is not truth, they don't! I guess I'm looking for spiritual advice on this poly situation.

Derbylicious 10-18-2011 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moonmama (Post 107011)
I do understand that pov, but the part that is hard for me is that I don't personally think that anyone has the ability to "cause me harm" or "cause another harm" unless the other person is giving their power away and identifying with the 3rd density "physicality" and the ego. So while I know that should he choose "lie to me" it is not me he is lying to but him, and I cannot be harmed. I do love and enjoy my physical body but I know I am not the body nor the ego. This is why any "threat" of dishonesty in my relationship with him is not threatening. I accept him where he is in his process. The dillema I experience is when I know that both him and her are still at the point where they believe another person can possibly cause them to suffer. It is in this waythat he believes he can cause her suffering, she believes he can cause her suffering and you who replied believe that he can also cause all of us suffering. While I know this is not truth, they don't! I guess I'm looking for spiritual advice on this poly situation.

If she and he both believe that they can cause each other suffering then that is their reality. They have given each other that power and he is abusing that trust by keeping her in the dark. I'm glad to hear that he is not able to cause you harm since you have not given him the power to do so. Most people, however, would be hurt if someone they love and trust to be honest with them was deceiving them. Personally I think that he should either end it with her (since it sounds like he was waiting for her to move away so it would just fizzle out) or at the very least someone should let her in on what is going on before this baby comes into the world.

Moonmama 10-18-2011 05:45 PM

He was dating another woman when he met her, and then he
Was dating other women when they were first together, which she knew all about and that he was always like that before, but somehow they ended up creating a monotonous relationship which obviously isn't. He had a date the other day which he was playing off to her that it was but she knew anyways. Which is I suppose why this is coming up. Basically, she already knows so I don't see why he is so scared to say something...

Moonmama 10-18-2011 05:47 PM

Lololol!!! I totally meant monogamous not monotonous oh gee whiz lol my iPhone autocorrect has intuitive powers ;)

Rootlet 10-18-2011 06:02 PM

Hi Moonmama,
I would think of it in terms of personal integrity and an obligation to self-care then, if you want to think in ethical terms. By participating in something that someone else will perceive as harm to them (even if you do not) then you are morally implicated in that harm.

Consider the case of someone who forcibly converts another person to their religion. The converter thinks that this is benefiting the person by converting them to the one true religion and saving their soul. The person being coerced perceives themselves to be harmed by the coercion and the forced suppression of their own chosen beliefs and culture. You can make an ethical case that it is the perception of the person being harmed that is most important. A child restricted in their behaviour for their own safety might disagree, but their reduced capacity to make decisions is a factor there. The girlfriend of your boyfriend might make different (and better for her) choices in regards to her boyfriend if she knew what the real deal was, and your boyfriend is depriving her of that opportunity.

In terms of obligation to self care, I agree with the others that people who lie to their lovers lie to their lovers and this person will likely be dishonest to you in the future. You may wish to think of this situation as a test of his integrity, so you have an accurate picture of how he behaves.

Minxxa 10-18-2011 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moonmama (Post 107015)
Basically, she already knows so I don't see why he is so scared to say something...

Because HE feels what he's doing is wrong and doesn't want to either lose her, or have her be mad at him or have her see him as a liar and a cheat.

He wants to do whatever he wants, and have no repercussions from it. He knows if she KNEW what was going on (yes she might know deep down, but I mean out in the open knew), that he most likely would lose her. And so it's easier for HIM to get what he wants by lying to her.

Minxxa 10-18-2011 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moonmama (Post 107011)
I do understand that pov, but the part that is hard for me is that I don't personally think that anyone has the ability to "cause me harm" or "cause another harm" unless the other person is giving their power away and identifying with the 3rd density "physicality" and the ego. So while I know that should he choose "lie to me" it is not me he is lying to but him, and I cannot be harmed. I do love and enjoy my physical body but I know I am not the body nor the ego. This is why any "threat" of dishonesty in my relationship with him is not threatening. I accept him where he is in his process. The dillema I experience is when I know that both him and her are still at the point where they believe another person can possibly cause them to suffer. It is in this waythat he believes he can cause her suffering, she believes he can cause her suffering and you who replied believe that he can also cause all of us suffering. While I know this is not truth, they don't! I guess I'm looking for spiritual advice on this poly situation.

If he gives her an STD from his "other relationships" he will be directly causing her to suffer.

No amount of "rising above her ego" will keep her from suffering physically, perhaps for the rest of her life because of that.


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:37 AM.