Self discovery (long post)
Just wanted to say hi and describe my journey.
Last year in March my mother passed away from Alcoholism. In a search for answers I started reading her journals. While I never found the answers I was looking for about her life, I discovered she knew I was poly before I did.
It is/was disturbing to me as I have finally been able to put some meaning to some of the more confusing times and relationships in my life. Its becoming an interesting situation to explain to my wife on nearly 20 years that my emotional attachment to people is/was much deeper than either of us understood.
I've even learned that my attachment to my wife have less to do with sex than my own needs to commit to a person who wanted and needed my help.
We married to please others and because at the time it was the right progression of the relaionship. I don't think either of us knew what Love in the context of marriage meant, but we continued to support each other interests. Sex was a by product of the relationship, and with time and health issues it became less significant to her and to a certain extent to me too.
There were signs and events that my emotional health was still in need of intimate relationshipsboth sexual and non sexual, and with time I began to allow myself to accept that I was attracted to other women.
Somehow, my wife sensed this change too. While this originally became a road block in our relationship, my honesty in telling her that I would discuss my "want" to sleep with others prior to actually engaging in those activities was enough to smooth over our discourse.
Up until recently, I have not found anyone that I wanted to be sexual with. However, I have found someone that I share a non-sexual intimacy.
So I've nearly reach the point at which I need to either open the relationship with my wife, or curb the intimate relationship from pursuing it natural course. The other lady is single, but I think finds it difficult to be cast in the role as the other women.
My wife is aware of the relationship and I think even understands my attachment to this person, but as this is the first relationship that I can envision extending beyond non-sexual intimacy into sexual intimacy its hard to predict the emotional tipping point where my integrity will force me to tell my spouse that I want sex with someone else.
Balanced against my own confusions, is the other lady feeling and emotions, I've discussed my attractions for her, and we've both stated that a sexual relationship at this time would be inappropriate for both of us.
After explaining my understandings of Polyamory, I think she as well as me have a lots more issues to discuss and discover about each other.
However, what I can say with certainty is that I love this lady, and if the relationship does or does not progress to passionate romance she has enriched my soul.
Between starting to understand my true nature and having someone other than my wife to discuss those feeling with, I'm a happier person.
There are lost loves that I hope to reconnect with in the future and while the time of sexual "Mis-adventure" may have passed with those individuals the love and desire for intimacy with them endures.
Very well-written. Welcome.
Fascinating that your mother knew, and wrote about you being poly. Was it more that she sensed a inability to be 'faithful, long-term' ?
Or, specifically noted your actions as being polyamorous ?
Its hard to tell precisely how my mother knew. She wrote that I was easily attracted, and always followed through on my instincts. She noted that I tended to collect relationships especially before I was married and exhausted myself in trying to please and emotionally support all of them.
She stopped the journals in late 2001 and left them to me in her will. Please note that I have 4 sisters, and the journals have divided us to a certain extent. They assume she left them to me as first born. The truth, in her words, and as I've explained to them, was that she left to me as her last act for not being able to forgive herself for my mild Cerebral Palsy. At her request, I've never shared the journals with my four sisters.
I found a great deal of pain and darkness in some of her work. I don't think they need that imagery beyond coming to grips with Mom's Alcoholism.
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