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-   -   Figuring out the new woman (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15926)

aggression72 10-17-2011 04:49 PM

Figuring out the new woman
 
Started dating a woman recently who said she is not interested in a poly household yet maintains some contact with old lovers and describes herself as a slut and I believe is holding onto the feelings she derived through sex with her old lovers.

Just open to anyone's general thoughts. Is she poly? Is she something else? Anyone have a previous experience that's similar and any advice the best way to handle.

Also, I am Dominant and she is submissive and we enjoy BDSM, but this ads a different aspect to the relationship.

nycindie 10-17-2011 05:18 PM

Lots of mono people still maintain relationships with former lovers. I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Besides, how can anyone here tell you what she is? We don't know her and that's up to her to discover or decide, as long as she is clear about what polyamory means. Some people view being polyamorous as an internal part of their identity. Some (like myself) simply view it as a structure for relationships.

opalescent 10-17-2011 08:14 PM

a-72,

I would just ask her, in a non-demanding, curious manner.

And by 'contact', do you mean full monty contact or she goes to brunch or chats with them occasionally?

Some people just naturally maintain connection with former lovers. I've never been able to do it myself but lesbians are stereotypically famous for having entire constellations of exes floating around in their lives.

FireChild 10-20-2011 08:38 PM

Maybe she wants an open relationship and not a poly one.

47newbie 10-21-2011 07:41 PM

Based on your description she sound like a very independent women. Whether poly or not is really up to her to decide.

As a male and new to poly I find that characteristic very appealing for some strange reason. I think as long as the conversation is straight forward and honest, enjoy the chase.

Moonglow 10-23-2011 03:45 PM

Well maybe she doesn't like the idea of feelings yet she enjoys physical contact? I realized for some time that wanting sex and wanting a connection are two different things. I don't like the idea of someone just wanting me around for sex but everyone is different. I also don't want to be clingy in my relationships so, maybe that's a different distinction as well.

I recently told a new interest that I talk too much and to shut me up by kissing me. I said to him, "we don't need to know much about each other do we?" but to my surprise and delight he said I am interested in what you have to say. Though the idea of someone stifling my need to talk by kissing is really interesting to me. :) I think I am just sick of myself, I just want him to adore me no questions asked and that is asking alot. LOL

MeeraReed 10-24-2011 07:39 PM

Can you provide more info, Aggression72? From your question, I don't even know if you are poly yourself and are trying to figure out if this woman's form of dating will mesh with yours, or if you're not poly and are trying to understand what poly is.

My first reaction was that this woman sounds a little bit like me, except that I don't have sex often enough to describe myself as a slut! :-)

But like her, I am not at all interested in being part of a poly household, although I want to have some form of dating/relationships with multiple partners. I tend to be more interested in the sexual, rather than emotional, aspects of dating, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

For the last year, I have been struggling with the question "Am I poly?" and I don't know the answer yet.

I also believe very strongly in maintaining contact and/or friendships with old lovers. Depending on the person and my connection with him, the friendship could either be just platonic or still sexual in some way.

From your post, it sounds like you feel that it is a problem that this woman maintains contact with old lovers. Why would that be a problem? It seems condescending to assume that she is "holding onto feelings" about the sex with these former lovers. Perhaps she genuinely feels a bond of friendship with them?

Or perhaps she does maintain sexual relationships with old lovers--what's wrong with that?

MeeraReed 10-24-2011 07:44 PM

Another thought: actually, NYCindie, I don't know any monogamous people who maintain contact with old lovers/exes.

In fact, most people I know think an ex is someone who should not be in your life at all. And that even if you had a good relationship with someone, it's "your past" and moving on means having no contact whatsoever. Part of what has drawn me to polyamory is that I find that attitude totally bizarre.

By coincidence, I was just about to post a question / discussion about this very issue, which I will do...

bulrush 10-27-2011 12:10 AM

As a man it's difficult for me to maintain more than casual contact (emails) with former girlfriends. I just don't have the time. So, if things ended well, I might send them an email every few months. But I don't see them.

bassman 10-29-2011 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MeeraReed (Post 107854)
Another thought: actually, NYCindie, I don't know any monogamous people who maintain contact with old lovers/exes.

In fact, most people I know think an ex is someone who should not be in your life at all. And that even if you had a good relationship with someone, it's "your past" and moving on means having no contact whatsoever. Part of what has drawn me to polyamory is that I find that attitude totally bizarre.

By coincidence, I was just about to post a question / discussion about this very issue, which I will do...

Friends with all my ex-es. Of course, they're all in a different country these days, but when I go back there I do see most of them.


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