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-   -   confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1590)

juliepatchoulie 11-30-2009 04:29 PM

met a really seemingly wonderful guy said he was into polyamory and wanted to attend hai workshops to hip me to intimacy-love-sex etc., so fine i agreed however now he seems to have no interest...as i am not his 'body type' yet he wants to get married and wants me to be his 'partner'..i find the whole thing rather fraudulent in both agenda and emotionally i think he has had other problems in the past...any thoughts? It seems as though i am the one who is inadequate for him...i perform orally and he is happy with that yet has no interest in actual consummation of this relationship? Any thoughts out there?:cool:

Magdlyn 11-30-2009 05:01 PM

Oh man. That hurts... not his body type? Wrong shape, size, whatever? I had that happen last yr in an really intense online relationship. It was incredibly painful. He eventually told me I was too "fat" for him, tho our chats ~and cyber sex~ were amazing and deep. He didnt want to meet me after months of emotionally fulfilling and life changing communications.

I wont give you advice... I dont know you. But what happened was, we ended our relationship, and within a couple months i found someone who *did* love my body shape (and my mind). She tells me I am pretty, beautiful and sexy every day. We've been together all this year.

And the ex, he found a skinny local girl and from what he tells me, he's ecstatic now.


(eta, i love your screenname. i love patchouli! :) )

AutumnalTone 11-30-2009 05:12 PM

While Curly and I were corresponding prior to meeting, she sent me a message that described men who weren't her type. Fit me to a 'T'. I chuckled and forgot about it, because at that point I had no expectation of ever meeting her or dating her. Shortly after we began dating, she apologized for that message (which is the only reason I remember it now).

Somehow, it didn't matter that I wasn't her type once we met. I do occasionally remind her that I'm not her type, too, especially on our wedding anniversaries.

We wouldn't be married if I'd ever gotten the idea that she wasn't wholly interested in me. Sorry, wouldn't happen. Any hint that she thought she was somehow settling for me and I would have been gone. I imagine anybody with any scraps of self-respect would be gone in a heartbeat.

From here, it doesn't appear as if you're inadequate at all. Looks to me like he's rather inadequate for you. If he's not able to provide what you need from a partner, he's inadequate.

Erosa 11-30-2009 06:28 PM

Being told you're not someone's 'body type' can be painful. But it's better to have him tell you the truth than make up some excuse about 'it's not you it's me...' and leave you forever feeling like you somehow made a mistake.

It does seem highly suspicious that he was interested, then NOT, then wants to marry and have you as a partner. Exactly what bennifit would you be getting out of that kind of arrangment? A man, married to someone else, who doesn't like your 'body type', but wants you to be avalible to him as a partner regardless??

Hmmm... I would tell him to take a step back. LOL

juliepatchoulie 11-30-2009 11:03 PM

less confused
Thanks all for such succinct responses (it's always good to have the opinions of objective third parties), now about this situation...I finally had to understand that what turns my partner on is group sex and he likes to watch...however, because of his duplicity about himself and observation of some rather self-serving behavior and other issues (like possibly being registered for an incident years ago involving first wife and 13 yr old stepdaughter) so my question is this: an experimental type or someone w/ molest issues? And what I finally figured out about the "body type BS" was that somehow in his mind it was ok to make me feel less than, like it was my fault for not turning him on instead of the truth which is erectile dysfunction bigtime...and even though I've been as supporting as possible something simply does not feel right...hard to explain. I mean because the guy gets turned on during oral sex performed on him....guess at that point it's ok not to be his body type!!! LOL!!! Any comments please-:cool:

AutumnalTone 11-30-2009 11:24 PM

Sounds to me like he's got issues that he needs to address before he's ready for any serious relationships. If he suffers ED, I'd say getting that treated is of some importance--and making up excuses for it doesn't indicate any willingness to address the issue. That his organ operates fine with direct stimulation suggests the ED may be largely psychological in origin--though without him seeking treatment of any sort, it's impossible to know.

Most states have web sites that track registered sex offenders, so you should be able to check on that without much trouble. If he is a registered offender, then that would raise a very large warning flag (with flashing lights and sirens) for me.

And you've noted that there are other issues. Unless he's actively working on his issues, the poor behavior and such are likely to continue unabated. From what you've written, it appears he's avoiding working on any personal issues.

juliepatchoulie 11-30-2009 11:37 PM

thank you all once again for your direct and no bs feedback.....i mean i know i am poly and have been in realtionships for years that were (my favorite) two of the best and like-minded individuals (males) and that worked for over six years for us and we were all very happy because of the mutuality of the relationship and there was real love between all of us......best of all, no neuro-liguistic programming was needed cause we all said exactly what we felt and meant what we said.....sadly one passed away unexpectedly and as they often do all great things come to an end...on that note I am going to keep working with this individual and maybe he could eventually be happy...I always get up, dust myself off and never back down....thanks all for you input...it is more valuable to me than you'll ever know!

Erosa 12-01-2009 02:16 AM


Originally Posted by juliepatchoulie (Post 13942)
and observation of some rather self-serving behavior and other issues (like possibly being registered for an incident years ago involving first wife and 13 yr old stepdaughter) so my question is this: an experimental type or someone w/ molest issues?


Let me tell you from personal experiance that if there's even the most faint suspicion that your new partner is even part pedofile you should RUN the oposite direction. :eek:

Fidelia 12-01-2009 05:05 PM


Originally Posted by juliepatchoulie (Post 13885)
i find the whole thing rather fraudulent in both agenda and emotionally i think he has had other problems in the past . . .

Trust your gut, SisterWoman. My gut thinks your gut is right.

Also: the "wrong body type" issue evaporates when the right person comes along. I am exactly the "wrong body type" for my Fidelio, and he's not my type either, but we've been exactly right for each other for 17 years (married 15).

redpepper 12-01-2009 09:41 PM

"you are the wrong body type" spells to me that "I am not into you" end of story. It could have nothing to do with your body at all. All the other stuff aside, he just could of found something that he isn't that into and rather than pass up the opportunity to get a blow job, decided to keep you around for such occasions when he feels like getting one. I have had something similar happen in the past. It's not out of the realm of possibility. What are you getting out of this exactly? What is it about him that makes you want to stay and work on this with him?

When I met Mono on line he eventually sent a picture. To my delight it wasn't one of his cock, which is kind of the standard it seems (as if I haven't seen one before ;)). He sent one of himself that he took himself in his apartment. He looked grumpy and sad and angry all at the same time. I thought he was a pyscho! I was totally not into him by the picture. I thought it would be best to see him before deciding. He is a good looking man in person, but often doesn't take the best picture. What REALLY did it for me was how he smelled and felt in my arms when I hugged him hello and goodbye when we went for coffee.... it was POW! Intoxicating. I get that feeling from my husband too.

I won't settle for less than that feeling now. There just seems little point other than entertainment now. I guess what I'm saying is, that if this guy is fun and entertaining and you only see him this way then why not if there is nothing else going on? but really, if "good" is keeping you from "great" then I'd consider ending the relationship. Life is too short to settle.

Of course if all this possible pedophile stuff is really true, then that would be it for me I think. Definitely the sexual stuff anyway. *Bleack!*

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