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rothko 10-17-2011 12:44 AM

new to all this
 
so even though both my husband and i are bi, and we've each had separate same-sex relationships over the course of our years together, it only recently hit me that it sorta means i'm poly. duh. especially now that we have this semi-regular threesome thing going on with a female friend of ours.

i just ended a brief relationship i had with a woman i met on OKCupid this summer. she was my physical ideal but the emotional part of the equation was just missing -- but i fell in really far and really fast as i was so swept away by the sex being so much like my fantasies. i knew she was poly and knew she had a boyfriend in another town about 3 hours away -- and that was fine until he just recently started talking marriage and last week she announced her intention to move away to be with him in the spring.

we sorta decided we'd just have fun with our relationship until the time came for her to leave... but i realized i just couldn't do it, that the sex would feel humiliating, like i'd be begging for the dregs of her affection at this point. (that has a lot to do with her previous unavailability in general, not just that she's gonna go be with this guy.)

does that mean i'm not really cut out for this?

i don't know how to navigate all this -- it's never quite been an issue before and i don't know what my expectations should be or any of that.

so yeah, here i am. hi.

Moonglow 10-17-2011 06:17 AM

Hi,

I know how you feel, i was left behind for a different relationship in my first poly relationship. I am still trying to figure out if I am cut out for this myself. I think first thing is be gentle with yourself. You are just learning about this and you can try again when it feels right. I haven't decided if I am ready to move on my life, I half-assed tried again but it hasn't really been what I wanted. I do think I am very lucky in my primary at least though. :) Just remember what you DO have and work from there.

I hope you find the forum helpful and want to wish you a warm welcome here.

M

nycindie 10-17-2011 06:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rothko (Post 106759)
we sorta decided we'd just have fun with our relationship until the time came for her to leave... but i realized i just couldn't do it, that the sex would feel humiliating, like i'd be begging for the dregs of her affection at this point. (that has a lot to do with her previous unavailability in general, not just that she's gonna go be with this guy.)

does that mean i'm not really cut out for this?

No, I'd say you're very cut out for poly!

Why? Because poly isn't about just sex. It's about having, multiple meaningful relationships.

That is not to say that a poly person couldn't also have casual sex with people who are not committed partners, but that aspect would be considered "open" rather than polyamorous. Though your relationship with her started out as primarily sexual in its focus, obviously it evolved to include more heartfelt emotions. You cared for her and wanted her affection, and that was more important to you than the sex. That is definitely poly.

I think you should pat yourself on the back for not putting up with a situation that you knew would demoralize you and make you feel worse. Sure, you might miss her, but you stood up for yourself and that is always a good thing.

rothko 10-17-2011 12:18 PM

Thank you so much for your insight -- I really appreciate it. :)


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