Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   When 2 Loves Meet...??? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15859)

IrisAwakened 10-16-2011 12:02 PM

When 2 Loves Meet...???
I have been moving slowly into polyamorism, for my husbands sake. It has been going very well, no issues there! He actually has a profile on OKC now, which pleases me very much. I just had a question about secondaries..

I met a guy that I really like, just as friends for now, but I could see something wonderful about to bloom in the near future. My husband and I agreed that we want to meet secondaries before they become, well secondaries, lol. I am wondering what you guys do here. When does your primary meet your (perspective?) secondary?

He is a little uncomfortable with the idea of meeting the new guy, but he knows that sooner is better than later. I have been out 2x with this guy, so it is just in its infancy, especially as we are operating in the "just friends" category still. (Which is a very new concept for me, to "date" but to try to just be friends first, lol)

When do your two loves meet?

IrisAwakened 10-16-2011 12:04 PM

Oh and I forgot to mention. I have been talking to this guy online for 2 months, and only recently started seeing him in person. {Not sure if that info will help, but more is merrier, right? Lol}

Thanks you awesome supports!!

Magdlyn 10-16-2011 12:55 PM

Well, that depends. How does your new interest feel about meeting your husband? Is he fine with it?

It could be a lunch out, or coffee, or he could just come in the house and chat for a 1/2 hr or so when he comes to pick you up for a date. It's something you need to decide between the 3 of you. There is no standard time for this to happen.

IrisAwakened 10-16-2011 03:27 PM

Very good points! The new guy is actually already married and is an experience poly-guy, which is SO comforting for a newbie. He wants to meet him and vice versa, just figuring out timing. He is a really cool guy who I think my husband would really like as they share some common interests. I guess I was just worried, how soon is too soon? I mean I have only seen him 2x IRL, and although I feel that things could go somewhere, I would hate to jump the gun and make everyone meet before we should.. ah I am just being me, worrying about future planning, lol

Thank you again for helping me with suggestions! How long is it for you guys (typically), before your two loves meet?

nycindie 10-16-2011 04:46 PM


Originally Posted by IrisAwakened (Post 106715)
How long is it for you guys (typically), before your two loves meet?

Two loves? [giggle] Only two? A few people here have more than that! ;)

Everyone does it differently. Some people's loves never meet, some have them meet on the first date, some after a relationship has been established.

I'm solo and only seeing one guy casually right now. I highly doubt he will meet anyone else I start dating (when that happens). If I wind up with three or four boyfriends someday, maybe some will meet, and some won't. I would only arrange that if it feels like it's the right time, place, and circumstance to do so -- and if it's something all of us want. But then, I don't have a primary (and am not looking for one), so it might be different for someone who does.

OpenandCountry 10-16-2011 04:50 PM

For me it was about a month and a half. My boyfriend is a mono, though, and my husband and I haven't ever had another male in our relationship. It was strange for everyone, but once they met, they acted like old friends. I love my guys! :)
If your secondary has already experienced poly situations, then it could happen any time, really. Good luck, dear.

redpepper 10-16-2011 07:05 PM

I tend to air on the side of the sooner the better. It doesn't have to be for an event of some kind, but just in passing (him picking you up for a date for instance) so the two know each other exists and can understand the gravity of the situation... it kind of makes it feel like there are no lies or fantasies going on... this is real and we can trust each other that it is real because we have seen each other. Later there can be some event to get them together to talk casually and perhaps about boundaries and issues that might come up, if it goes anywhere...

Iloveyoutwo 10-16-2011 09:46 PM

I'll just throw in my quick story of how it happened for me/us. My husband knew who my 'crush' was, but had only heard of him and knew I worked with him. My 'crush' and I actually had our first two dates (after confessing our feelings for each other) before he and my husband met. My husband was the one suggesting they meet sooner rather than later and he was absolutely right. My bf was a bundle of nerves for this meeting, but he got through it just fine. We just met for coffee at a local shop and to make it a little more comfortable for my bf I went with him and my husband arrived on his own. It really helps that both my bf and husband share a hobby and so they always have something to talk about. My youngest child is crazy about my bf as well and once in a while he'll stop in for a quick visit on his way home from work so he can socialize with my husband and kids.

Anneintherain 10-17-2011 04:40 AM

For me it varies by situation. Since my husband and I became poly (again) for people HE is dating, I met one of them (and her husband) after their first meeting, when the four of us met for board games. I met one woman for lunch (the three of us) a week after their first date. I met one of them for drinks solo about a month after he started dating her. One woman who is long distance doesn't have much time out here, I will meet if they ever move their relationship to err...past second base?

I will meet anybody he is dating for SURE when they decide he would like it to be a sexual relationship instead of a cuddly friendship, but he likes me to meet people he likes sooner than later anyway, as he usually thinks we'd really get along. he moves slow so I have met anybody he likes a lot sooner than it moves past anything other than kissing. We also both prefer that he meets anybody that I plan on dating if I decide it's going anywhere other than friendship. However he just met my boyfriend for a few minutes once, after a month or so of dating but before we became sexual, and that was enough for him. So whatever works for your comfort level is good, in the past I've met other partner's partners at our local sex positive club events, cuddle parties, and at regular old fashioned dinners. I always like coffee at some quiet large coffeeshop, just like my first dates, things can be kept short if it's uncomfortable, you have something to hold if you're nervous :rolleyes: and if you end up hitting it off as friends, you can go back for seconds and hang out longer.

I didn't meet my boyfriends wife until after things were sexual, a couple of months in for coffee, just the two of us. I find it unlikely I will ever become sexual with anybody again unless I have met and talked with their primary(ies) first.

IrisAwakened 10-18-2011 12:31 PM

Oh wow! you guys are awesome!!

Your responses have really helped me put it all into perspective. My husband has put in place a "friends only" rule for now (this has been the case for a month). It is difficult to let a relationship grow as it naturally would under these circumstances. I am trying to let him have his space to learn about it all though. I have talked with him about my feelings for the new guy, that I would like things to start moving forward, however slowly, and that meeting him might be a good first step. He wants to meet new guy but is nervous to do so. I feel like he just needs to get it over with. Thoughts?

Also he wants to meet other poly people (ones that we won't become involved with sexually) to understand the lifestyle first hand, which is a great idea. The think is is that he thinks that we need to do this before he meets my guy, before I can tell my guy that I like him. Sometimes this feels too controlling to me, even though I am trying to take it easy on the poor guy, who is really trying to understand. Thoughts again?

Thanks, you guys really are great, it feels so nice to have someone out there who can offer valuable points of view.

All times are GMT. The time now is 10:35 PM.