Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Wife has boyfriend (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15849)

vigda 10-16-2011 01:51 AM

Wife has boyfriend
I am now part of a poly relationship. My wife loves us both. Have not met him yet. I am 16 years older than wife boyfriend is 16 years younger than wife. Sex is good for everyone. I am searching for a relationship to balance out situation. I am happy for my wife. I do not want to start a relationship with someone who is looking for mister right. I want to keep everything as transparent as possible.

I live in NYC and am retired. Any suggestions as to where to look.

I am going to a retreat in the Catskill mountains that seems to have possibilities.

IrisAwakened 10-16-2011 11:48 AM

Try meeting folks online, through craigslist or Okcupid. Or you could look for the local poly groups, which I am sure are huge in NYC. Not sure about the Catskils though ;) Good luck!

nycindie 10-16-2011 12:51 PM

Hi there, Vigda! Welcome.

I live in NYC also. There are a couple of poly groups in NYC. They're growing but not huge. The poly events I went to were nice, for the most part, with a wide range of ages in attendance. Here are the groups I know about:

Open Love NY hosts lectures and a monthly cocktail party on the second Monday of each month called... Poly Cocktails! These draw anywhere from 40 to over 100 people. They're usually held at a bar on Avenue B. Next ones are Nov. 14th & Dec. 12th. The lectures always look interesting, though I've not attended one yet due to scheduling, but I have been to the parties, which are about socializing and meeting people. I like the people who run this group, a great and welcoming bunch.

Their website is here (you can sign up to be on their mailing list): http://openloveny.com/index.html

There's also the New York Polyamory Meetup Group. They meet twice a month in Manhattan, on the second Sun. and fourth Thu., and they also have a Westchester branch. I believe their get-togethers are usually "munches" at restaurants where they talk over dinner. I haven't attended any of theirs yet.

Their Meetup page is here: http://www.meetup.com/New-York-Poly-Meetup-Group/.

Magdlyn 10-16-2011 12:58 PM

*proceeds to matchmake vigda and NYCindie* ;) :p

vigda 10-16-2011 02:18 PM

Thanks very much for your quick response. I am growing moment by moment and it is scary and exciting.

AnnabelMore 10-16-2011 05:24 PM


Originally Posted by vigda (Post 106636)
I am searching for a relationship to balance out situation.

Just a word of advice, be careful about your motivations. No woman wants to get the sense that your reason for wanting to date her has more to do with evening out the situation with your other partner than with who she is and what you have to offer each other.

vigda 10-16-2011 05:34 PM

thanks good advice. I believe I am going for an additional love. Someone who can add more to my life and I can do the same for her life.

redpepper 10-16-2011 07:19 PM

If anyone knows of someone(s) who would like to host a calendar from the NYC area for everyone to dump their poly events into I would love to hear from them... we are having some problems with finding hosts.... check out the link in my signature... poly events all over. Our mission is to link people such as the OP to the area they live in (or frequent) to poly events they may be interested in.... you can see by our area in BC, Canada how it works. It has already shown huge success in achieving our mission. People with google calendars can add our calendars to their own calendars so that they always know what is going on without coming to the site.

crazycanis 10-20-2011 02:44 PM

New to Poly as well

I find myself in a similar situation and trying to learn how to navigate our new lifestyle as well. I'll post elsewhere about the beginnings of our foray into poly, but here I will post my similar concern as well. Unlike you (vigda), we live in a smaller college town where it seems like male options for my wife are limitless; but lady options for me are nonexistent. In 6 months of looking for someone for me, I've only met one person whom turned out to be lying to themselves about their comfortableness with poly. So in my marriage, our poly lives are completely unbalanced; my wife has a boyfriend and a girlfriend and I'm left with having to fill my time with other activities while she's engaged with either of them. We do have our separate hobbies which makes that easy, but it doesn't change the total imbalance of our new ploy lifestyle. From all the reading I've done this statement always seems to find itself somewhere - "that's the flow of poly relationships one partner may have an outside relationship while the other doesn't and visa-verse". This statement however doesn't change what I believe to be a natural imbalance to the poly lifestyle; to some degree how I feel about poly can be summarized below:

My wife can walk down the street, go to a coffee shop then dancing that night and wind up with at least 10 phone numbers of guys willing to go out with her. Granted perhaps only one of them would be "actually" okay with her version of poly. However, if I were to do the same thing, my wedding band immediately respells any interest or also I'm accused of "cheating" and/or just lying about my wife actually being okay with poly. To clarify, I'm not looking for sex. However, just like vigda, I'm looking for another relationship.

Since we live in a smaller community, our poly group (which we have become active in) already has their established partnerships for the "men" in the group. While they are always accepting new women, the men that maybe attached to those new women are well - out of luck. Again yet another double standard I keep seeing both in real life and on dating sites (common post - couple seeking woman (unicorn) - NO MEN).

Thoughts? Vigda, have you seen the same thing?

Take Care,

vigda 10-21-2011 12:40 AM

so far the same even in NYC
I have been looking around and it just seems like there are not a lot of opportunities for men. I went on a dating site OKCUPID and found many women who would interest me but I have put out the truth and none so far have shown any interest. I am scheduled to go to a retreat the first weekend in November where I may have more luck. I am hoping to have more luck. I have told my wife my feelings but am willing to give it until the middle of May.

I will keep you informed and let you know what happens.

All times are GMT. The time now is 10:53 AM.