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-   -   Ok so she's kind of a bitch. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15807)

CranberryStardust 10-14-2011 03:44 PM

Ok so she's kind of a bitch.
 
This is more a vent than anything. Ultimately I know that if I don't like the situation I should get out but...OMG.

Brief backstory: I have been involved with a couple for a few months now, primarily sexually. There have been a few minor issues and it's been a learning experience, but the sex is amazing...even though I haven't gone "all the way" with him.

Currently, she is in the last month of a high risk pregnancy and sexual activity of any sort is off limits. I feel for her, I really do. She is miserable and is a very sexual person, so it hasn't been easy. He obviously has needs and I am more than happy to help him but...

She calls all the shots, relays messages between he and I since I have no contact information for him, arranges everything, etc. It's frustrating because even though this started out as a threesome sorta thing...I don't really care for her anymore and my attraction to and chemistry with him has gone through the roof. I want to talk to HIM. He gave me my first orgasm for crying out loud...I want more.

But she is killing the whole thing. There have been times thar I really wanted to go over there that I didn't because I was just so irritated with her. She's kind of dominating. If I ask a question or bring up a topic that I would obviously like to talk more about, She is deliberately short or laughs it off or ignores it all together. She also says things that make me feel insecure about how much he does enjoy sex with me...or if he does at all.

If She is jealous or resentful or feeling negative about it, shouldn't she just cut it off? Why is she playing games and cock blocking? I think I have been fair and flexible and fun..I don't deserve to be toyed with. And I can't help bur think things would be a lot better if I could talk to HIM!

Sorry, long. Frustrated.

AnnabelMore 10-14-2011 04:03 PM

*rolls eyes* She's his wife, not his owner. Call or email him, if you think what you need is to talk to him directly, just do it. Seriously. Normally I would never recommend going behind someone's back, even about something as small yet crucial as communication, but this whole situation is so stupid-dysfunctional. Just talk to him, as if *gasp* you were two adults!

That said, um, even though she sounds like a total bitch (shooting you down, not taking you seriously, why the hell would you stand for that and not just go off on her?), I would probably end up being jealous and a little controlling in her situation too. Right now you're getting what she can't have from the person who she wants it from most. That's gotta sting, bitchiness aside.

OpenandCountry 10-14-2011 04:14 PM

I'm with Annabel on this one. You can't let the situation continue like it is. If she doesn't want you to have any contact with him, why doesn't she just call off the situation? I'm sorry for the frustration you're feeling, dear. :(

Minxxa 10-14-2011 04:18 PM

I can see your frustration... but (LOL), I'm going to take the other side just for a second...

She's married, and she and her husband met you, who was sexual and together with both of them. Then she got pregnant. Not only that, but she has a high-risk pregnancy, which means not only is she limited in what she can do, but she is most likely seriously anxious and scared about the health of her baby.

So she's anxious, worried, stressed and filled with pregnancy hormones (which, just to explain, make you a bit extra crazy and sensitive anyway), she's not getting the sexual side of her met AT ALL, she's probably feeling huge and uncomfortable and miserable.

And because she's pregnant, now it's not ALL of you, but just you and him. So the unicorn situation has become you and him instead-- an issue that can be problematic when it happens even without all of the extra added stress and hormones involved.

So she's miserable, hormonal, stressed, scared, and not getting her sexual needs met.

I'm kind of understanding why she may feel like she's losing her connections, you're getting them, everybody else is having fun and she's in hell. :D

An exaggeration, I know... but pregnancy is tough even without beginning poly relationships and fearing for your future child's life.

I do agree with maybe speaking with him, or her and him, and expressing your concerns with how you feel you're being treated. But you may want to consider that while you are upset that she is not taking your needs into consideration, you really aren't taking her situation and needs into consideration either.

And communication with a pregnant woman can be difficult at best-- ask any husband who'se gone through it with their SO's. Picture the worst crazy PMS you've ever had, and multiply that times 10 and go through it for 9 months.

Expecting her to be entirely rational and communicate clearly right now (at least all of the time) is probably an exercise in futility.

Minxxa 10-14-2011 04:37 PM

I just wanted to add... maybe instead of going to them (or him) with complaints of what you aren't getting... you can see if there's something you can do to help them out? Give a little?

I mean, relationships are give and take... and sometimes you're going to be giving more than you get, and vice versa. This seems to be a time when giving a little more is going to be more helpful in the long run.

What do you think is going to benefit this relationship better? Saying you're feeling left out and mistreated... or going to her and telling her how you can see how hard this must be for her, and how stressed out she must be, and what can you do to help relieve some of that stress?

Maybe if she saw you as a partner in the relationship, who would be there for him AND her, she wouldn't feel so threatened and wouldn't be so apt to strike out? It might not be the case, but what could it hurt to try?

My guess is if you continue to see her as a "bitch", your feelings are going to come through loud and clear (if they haven't already), and you'll end up losing both of them.

It's up to you...

SourGirl 10-14-2011 04:50 PM

I`m with Minxxa on this one.

Besides everything Minxxa said,...lets point out a glaring thing here. She has a lot going on with the pregnancy, things that most people would use to turn around and kick your ass to the curb, disgruntled or not. Yet, she has not. So is it possible she has some hope to salvage the situation ?

She is in a situation where he obviously loves her through any possible 'changes' due to her high risk pregnancy and situation. She can count on him. You on the other hand, couldnt give a flying fuck about her anymore. The sex was good, now its gone, and she`s just a bitch in your eyes.

What does she 'owe' you again ?? Remind me ?

She very well could be every inch the bitch you said, pregnancy or not. I`m not sure how a few romps in the sack, equate to you having this entitlement to him, on your own terms. They have kinda made it clear, haven`t they ?

All you control is you. I understand this is a vent. However, many of the thing you say, sound built up in your own mind, and not truly talked through with her.

AnnabelMore 10-14-2011 04:59 PM

For the record, my response stemmed a good bit from remembering Cran's last thread and how frustrating/messed up it all sounded then. I'm surprised to see the situation is still going on, rly. I know that's not the most helpful attitude, advice-wise. Minxxa has some good stuff to say, assuming that this is actually a relationship and not just a weird, controlling sexual powerplay dynamic.

SourGirl 10-14-2011 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 106486)
For the record, my response stemmed a good bit from remembering Cran's last thread and how frustrating/messed up it all sounded then. I'm surprised to see the situation is still going on, rly. I know that's not the most helpful attitude, advice-wise. Minxxa has some good stuff to say, assuming that this is actually a relationship and not just a weird, controlling sexual powerplay dynamic.

Good point. I forget the story, and didnt recognize the username.

AnnabelMore 10-14-2011 05:21 PM

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...5&postcount=50

Minxxa 10-14-2011 05:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 106486)
For the record, my response stemmed a good bit from remembering Cran's last thread and how frustrating/messed up it all sounded then. I'm surprised to see the situation is still going on, rly. I know that's not the most helpful attitude, advice-wise. Minxxa has some good stuff to say, assuming that this is actually a relationship and not just a weird, controlling sexual powerplay dynamic.

Yeah, I didn't remember that either. Still... how much of that old wierdness might be due to the pregnancy and hormones? (I can't remember how long they've all been dating.)

Just saying, that pregnancy will make you loopy in the best of times and under the best of circumstances. Trying to judge someone's personality based solely on how they act when they're flooded with hormones is not going to be reliable.

Personally I remember being so out of it sometimes I felt like another person. And having the hubs say things like "calm down".... boy howdy. I wanted to kill somebody! LOL...

Edited: I looked back and it looks like at the point they asked CS to be the girlfriend the wife was 3 months preggers. So, perhaps making a big giant step like that during a pregnancy and the change that comes with it perhaps wasn't the wisest choice. :-)

It happens...


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