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-   -   Introducing my boyfriend to my husband's friends... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15776)

OpenandCountry 10-13-2011 09:50 PM

Introducing my boyfriend to my husband's friends...
 
DH and boyfriend get along great, and we can all be together without any awkwardness. I've only been dating my bf for a little over 2 months, so I'm wanting to take this slow as far as integrating him into our lives in any way. However, there is an event this week that we all want to attend together, and a lot of my husband's (and my) friends will be there.

Our friends know that we're poly, and they know that I have a bf, however, my husband wants him to be introduced as "my friend" for whatever reason. I'm not sure if I'm okay with this, as I feel its a little disrespectful to my bf and I'm not sure why my husband wants this...he hasn't really given me an answer as to why, he just keeps saying that my bf will be cool with it, which is probably true, but maybe it shouldn't be.

Should I take this as a red flag? Should I wait a little while so we can grow more comfortable about "coming out" as it were?

nycindie 10-13-2011 10:33 PM

Well... isn't he a friend too? I see nothing wrong with it. Sometimes I think the word boyfriend sounds weird for a grown woman to use. I use it but it depends on the situation. Maybe your husband just doesn't want to spend all the time at the event explaining the relationship, to any people there who don't know already. You don't have to hide all contact or affectionate gestures with him just because you intro him as friend. Or does hubs want that to be suppressed, too?

However, I think it might be your boyfriend's call. Ask him how he wants to be introduced and then see if that's okay with hubs. All three of you can surely come up with a compromise that everyone's happy with.

On the other hand, hubs might be making more of a big deal out of it than needed. I know TruckerPete recently posted about bringing both her bf and husband to a work event and no one raised an eyebrow.

redpepper 10-13-2011 10:58 PM

I think it has nothing to do with you. I think you should let the two men decide. This is not about you. Its about their relationship. It seems obvious to me your husband is not ready for bf to be that big a deal that you should come out about it yet and is using this as a way to let you both know. Your bf likely knows this and is playing it smart... As men often do with other men. ESPECIALLY when they are dating their wives! Leave it alone, this is not a red flag. I'd say this is you stuck in your NRE after two months in and thinking this is forever love. Let your husband have this and back off. Let the men do their men thing and work it out on their own. This is what strong metamour relationships are built on.

MonoVCPHG 10-14-2011 03:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 106373)
Let the men do their men thing and work it out on their own. This is what strong metamour relationships are built on.

Great advice...metamours figuring things out is not just recommended but it is a sign of just how "ok" they are with each other.

Anneintherain 10-14-2011 07:51 AM

my 2 cents - Two months in is not that long. Introducing him as your boyfriend could be presumptuous - my dear much more experienced husband has confirmed some other people's opinions, that many poly relationships fizzle at or not long after 3 months, so making a big splash before something is more of a certainty can be awkward (or maybe make your husband worry that you'll be seen as somebody who is flighty with their affection in case at the Christmas parties you might be with a new boyfriend with the old one nowhere to be seen?).

Now at 7 months, I assume my husband should be comfortable with me introducing my boyfriend AS my boyfriend. (In my life, my husband is fine with whatever whenever, so I am probably the more conservative one - I wouldn't feel OK with him introducing a gf of 2 months as his gf at a work party but a serious-er longer term gf isn't awkward) But certainly, if it doesn't bother your boyfriend, don't let it bother you, if it does, obviously there is some discussion to be had all around.

If this is your first poly relationship, I would certainly err on the side of being conservative though. Does your husband have a girlfriend? Hurrying to be 100% out to everybody in a situation where all your AND your husband's friends will be there, can be stressful if only you have a partner to introduce around.

zylya 10-14-2011 08:40 AM

Why the need for labels? I'm pretty sure the guy has a name which serves a much better purpose than "my boyfriend" or "my friend". One thing we try and do in our poly relationships is introduce and refer to each other by our names. Often people don't even really care what the nature of your relationship is anyway.

"Hi, this is John" is a perfectly fine introduction if you're trying not to come out.

OpenandCountry 10-14-2011 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 106369)
Maybe your husband just doesn't want to spend all the time at the event explaining the relationship, to any people there who don't know already. You don't have to hide all contact or affectionate gestures with him just because you intro him as friend. Or does hubs want that to be suppressed, too?
.

My husband would rather I suppress PDA when we're all out together as of right now....like i said we're all new to this. I get your point about him being a friend, too. We live in a pretty conservative area, so I guess he doesn't really want to spend the evening explaining, either...I didn't think about that.

@redpepper and mono. Thanks for the perspective. I know they need to communicate, too. I will let them hash it out amongst themselves later this week. Thanks again!

I know that its only been two months, its not my first poly situation, but it is my first time being involved with two men...it feels a lot different than the triad I had and it feels a little more complicated, both privately and socially.

Thanks for the perspective and responses, everyone! In all of this I really just want to be respectful and kind to both of my partners, and I really think yall have the wisdom of experience to help me out with this. I appreciate it immensely. :)

bulrush 10-18-2011 10:53 PM

IMO: the general public never understands poly stuff, so the secondary person/people is always referred to as "a friend" and that's it. You don't have to make your private life public and open to hypocritical judgment.

OpenandCountry 10-19-2011 11:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bulrush (Post 107071)
IMO: the general public never understands poly stuff, so the secondary person/people is always referred to as "a friend" and that's it. You don't have to make your private life public and open to hypocritical judgment.

I've since realized that. I'm glad I took the time to think all this through and talk about it with you all. :)

Moonmama 10-24-2011 06:42 AM

Thank you for posting, I was having a similar situation


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