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-   -   Sexual healers and Slutdom (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15766)

GroundedSpirit 10-13-2011 03:08 PM

Sexual healers and Slutdom
 
I've clipped out a couple paragraphs here from another thread because I think they bring out a topic that is important to talk about.

Redpepper - hope you don't mind.....

This from a thread that TruckerPete stared which was interesting.....
Quote:

Originally Posted by Redpepper
I used to be a friend that fucked their friends to show them I loved them when they thought they weren't worth anything to anyone. I slept with most of my high school friends as a result. It was awesome to be able to give like that.
Unfortunately one or two bragged about it and I got to be known as a slut. I was deeply hurt and began to lose trust because I didn't know which friend had bragged. Small towns in Northern Canada... gotta love em. Still haven't lived that down and my being poly now has not helped. They think its just an extension of my slutdom. To them being a slut does not empower... there is no new age of sex positive shit going on there.

I have a friend that just experienced the same thing as I had this last summer, and she is in her 30's. She saw herself as a sexual healer to her best guy friend until the guy began to mistreat her by using her for sex and seeing her as a slut. He would get drunk and brag about it and tell everyone that she was a slut so he fucks her because of it. Really awful but not uncommon. I think a lot of women and perhaps men are inherently sexual healers, but have been used and abused so often they don't trust any more and don't give themselves to others that way any more. Its become self preservation I think.

I agree this has been an age old problem. But what's most difficult I feel is embracing that 'label' and rising above the negativity normally associated with it. And yes, it is somewhat similar to what prostitutes endure. And looking back over history you'll find some professionals who have made this leap - risen above the negativity. They are proud of their profession and have developed ways to let the stigma run off their backs.
I've seen the same thing with the 'slut' label. I've known a few and some that were actually proud of it. Justifiably so.
Because they WERE actually healers - even before that concept became public. Inside, they knew. They knew the impact they were having. They accepted the shots that came with it. A rare breed indeed, but foresighted and admirable.

And, at least from my experience, I'd share a comment that may matter to some. The label 'slut' - for all it's seeming negative connotations, is not in reality as negative in it's effects as everyone might think ! It's literally a term assigned out of jealousy and envy and generates far more unspoken respect that most are aware of. I can't think of an actual instance where any was rejected from a job - even an important social engagement, because of their reputation as a 'slut'. Generally it's approached like......."well he/she is a slut BUT.....". And that BUT just acts as the lubricant that lets things flow forward much as they would have minus the label.

So for those strong & enlightened individuals who have chosen this route - I say bless you.
And keep your head high and a smile on your face.

GS

SourGirl 10-13-2011 04:02 PM

I agree totally. :)

I never realized I even had a 'slut' issue until the last 2 years.
I actually use to joke in high school that 'A slut is just a person, who refuses to say no, to a good opportunity.' :)

Then someone attempted to call me one during sex, (meant it in a sexy way.) and ended up backhanded, and alone. ( It was consensual rough sex, so don`t get your panties in a wad, about the backhand.)

Why I had the strong reaction, I debated for a long time. I was NOT raised in a slut-shaming environment. In fact, even my grandparents use to encourage us NOT to seriously date the first guy we came across. They encouraged us to keep dating 'light hearted' at a young age. To date different people, and find out what kind of people we actually like, before getting serious.

Anyhow, I have learned even when you think you are all pro-active, you can still have triggers !!!

I suffered from the : 'I can call myself a slut, but you can`t. ' because I bought into the concept at some point, that sluts are submissives in most peoples eyes. I could refer to myself as one with pride, but if someone else said it, I automatically assumed I was being downgraded.

I`ve since fixed that issue, and become very aware of the silly things we all do, and slut-shame in small ways.

The current thing I notice, is how being a slut or enjoying sex, has been automatically equaled with lacking respect for your partner, being careless, or lacking of emotions.....All this, among people who should know better.

While there may be a good percentage of people who are disrespectful, careless and cold, I think its interesting, that even in a 'enlightened' crowd, it still seems to be the 'rule' to associate it all together, rather then just a section of the population.

dingedheart 10-13-2011 05:32 PM

O my god I just realized I'm a sexual healer...this great ....It makes so much sense to me now ...I think I'm going to add that to my business cards.

redpepper 10-13-2011 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 106316)
Redpepper - hope you don't mind.....

No. I don't mind :)
Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 106316)
I agree this has been an age old problem. But what's most difficult I feel is embracing that 'label' and rising above the negativity normally associated with it. And yes, it is somewhat similar to what prostitutes endure. And looking back over history you'll find some professionals who have made this leap - risen above the negativity. They are proud of their profession and have developed ways to let the stigma run off their backs.
I've seen the same thing with the 'slut' label. I've known a few and some that were actually proud of it. Justifiably so.
Because they WERE actually healers - even before that concept became public. Inside, they knew. They knew the impact they were having. They accepted the shots that came with it. A rare breed indeed, but foresighted and admirable.

And, at least from my experience, I'd share a comment that may matter to some. The label 'slut' - for all it's seeming negative connotations, is not in reality as negative in it's effects as everyone might think ! It's literally a term assigned out of jealousy and envy and generates far more unspoken respect that most are aware of. I can't think of an actual instance where any was rejected from a job - even an important social engagement, because of their reputation as a 'slut'. Generally it's approached like......."well he/she is a slut BUT.....". And that BUT just acts as the lubricant that lets things flow forward much as they would have minus the label.

I disagree here. To me a slut is not a sexual healer. Its someone who enjoys the amount of sex they feel comfortable with regardless and without thought of what others say. Usually, but not always, before they are called a slut.

Historically, for most, people go underground or are shamed into not repeating the experience that got them the negative name to begin with. To me its completely a "self" journey. Which seems to me is a good reason why it hurts so much when people point a finger and say, "you're a slut."

I commend anyone that can own that title with pride. I am totally not there yet with the word "slut." In actions, however, ;)

To me a sexual healer is someone that has sex with people they see as less fortunate, in need of comforting, closeness or just a good fuck. There is little to no thought of themselves. Its an act of giving that they get something out of, not the having of sex necessarily. Sex trade workers get money out of it, and if they are like my friend, a sense of accomplishment and pride that they were of good service.

I used to work for a non-profit as a therapist that supported sex trade workers. Its not an uncommon thing to enjoy the role of healer as far as I know. Slutdom rarely comes into it, although it can help a person love the benefits of their job. Sexual healing and slutdom can most definitely go hand in hand, but there is a difference in my mind.

nycindie 10-13-2011 09:48 PM

This topic reminds me of one that Mags started a while back:

I long for the days when sex was so sacred...

Magdlyn 10-13-2011 10:07 PM

Yes, I ID as a slut and a sexual healer. As I said on the other thread Cindie kindly linked to, in days of old (before the patriarchy) women and men were called qudesh (Hebrew/Aramaic for "holy ones"). Sadly we have lost that concept along with the power that comes from being a strong self actualized woman.

I know that I have begun a healing process for many men since I became single. Even if our relationships are no longer going on, I have helped men feel stronger and freer to pursue the things they really want in life, by using the gift of my body as well as a strong shoulder and listening ear. Good sense of humor and fun as well.

I've always been this way... When we first met, my ex used to call me a slut, because of my dating around before we met. I sloughed off any negative connotations, because I was, in my mind, a free love hippie, with a "make love not war" kind of attitude.

Lucky for me, I was never shamed by the communities I lived in as trash. I never needed to worry about my reputation.

Sadly, my jealous ex tried to tame me, control me, and our sex life suffered for many years. If he wanted me to be less sexual with others, less flirty, completely mono, he got the consequences of less sex for himself as a result! He tried so hard to turn down my heat, he turned it off.

Through our sex, and our polyamory my gf has also healed me. A lot.

Jade 10-14-2011 04:06 AM

I sometimes think that most of my joy from swinging has come from playing that role. The healing function was even at work in the beginnings of our polyamorous relationship. Sex can touch the soul, and when it does, there's no beating it.

TruckerPete 10-14-2011 01:25 PM

I remember trying to explain one healing encounter to a friend. They jokingly replied, "So you pity-fucked him?"

I was utterly shocked that anyone could see it that way. It was at that point I realized how differently I felt about sex than most people.


My body is not a temple; it's a gift.

GroundedSpirit 10-14-2011 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 106339)
I disagree here. To me a slut is not a sexual healer. Its someone who enjoys the amount of sex they feel comfortable with regardless and without thought of what others say. Usually, but not always, before they are called a slut.

Ok - that's fine. Like we've said before - we run into this constantly. Everyone seems to adopt their own meaning of any particular word and one is usually (although not always) as good as another.

Out in "the world", the term 'slut' is often used for any.....I'm going with the female gender...girl/woman who is just known for having a lot of sex with different people regardless of what her motivation might be. And at least in my experience, ladies like that often have altruistic motivations as much as not. It's not often about the physical pleasure they might think of receiving as much as just wanting to foster that closeness that often comes with sex. For themself and the other person.

It's part of an old debate that there is no such thing as a truly altruistic act. That anything we do always has some self serving motivation behind it - even if it's only ego. But that's off topic and beyond what we need to get into here :)

But back to the point, I still feel that what's important is to foster that attitude and understanding of the role of sex so that people can engage in it for whatever reason they choose and have that accepted without label - or even discussion. We don't question or debate why people eat. We just accept it as part of being and staying alive.


Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper
To me a sexual healer is someone that has sex with people they see as less fortunate, in need of comforting, closeness or just a good fuck. There is little to no thought of themselves.

I agree, and feel we have all (most?) played that role at one point and hopefully will again if it's needed. But per my prev comments, there's something in it for us too.

GS

GroundedSpirit 10-14-2011 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 106365)
...........
I've always been this way... When we first met, my ex used to call me a slut, because of my dating around before we met. I sloughed off any negative connotations, because I was, in my mind, a free love hippie, with a "make love not war" kind of attitude.

Lucky for me, I was never shamed by the communities I lived in as trash. I never needed to worry about my reputation.

Thanks for this reminder Mags,

I think we (those of us from a certain period) often need this reminder. That we did live in a unique time, where labels and attitudes were changing fast. A lot of analysis, opening up, loosening up if you will. Then it fizzled :(
But there were valuable lessons learned and insights gained that are uncommon in today's culture. So it's good to try to relight that candle when you can...........

GS


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