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RiniDance 10-12-2011 10:12 AM

New and conflicted
Warning! Long post as I have a lot on my mind and not sure what to do.....

Hi everyone. I am new to Poly and this forum. My boyfriend, although I consider him more, has given me this site to see if I can find answers in establishing the poly relationship that he desires.

Here's my situation. About this time last year, I was married and I met my current BF. He was also married but in a poly relationship (or so it seemed) with his wife. He had another woman that he was dating at that time as well.

Lo and behold, I came into his existance. He helped me realize how unhappy I was with my marriage and pretty much proposed I move in with him and his wife when my husband left me.

Unfortunately, about the same time that my ex left me, BF's wife also decided she could no longer be a part of BF's poly life, the other woman also decided she did not like me as part of the picture and left him too. This left me with him. He enjoyed our connection -- its been a strong bond (until now).

About a month later, I find out I was pregnant. He had some trouble with this as I was not suppose to get pregnant (have PCOS) and he did not want kids. He made some adjustments and decided we could still be together. We moved in together in January.

During the pregnancy, being as emotional as I was, he and I really weren't seeking anyone else. Also, he was in the process of divorce as well as I was -- this has been quite the emotional trainwreck for the both of us. A few weeks before the birth of my baby girl, he started getting restless and wanted more. He couldn't find anyone.... until now.

As I am new to the concept of poly, I was not sure I could even handle the jealously that might arise. I was ok with the setup at the beginning. Now, here I am feeling like the startup to something that he wants eventually. Ideally, he would like several partners for himself, with 2 live ins, and someone for myself.

I am so lost and confused. Within the past month, he was invited to take part in a swingers video. I asked to watch him during this time and was given permission by the photographer. During that time, I found it intriguing and fun. I felt this was something that could continue. But maybe that was the problem, it was just sex. No emotional connection.

At that video session, I found another gentleman simply gorgeous. He seemed interested in myself as well but we did not talk about meeting up. After telling this to my BF when leaving, BF was very interested in setting something up almost immediately. He wants me to be involved with others, but I was sensing that this would be more play for me/us -- which I haven't done either. I don't believe I am looking for the secondary relationships at this time. If something develops from it, I will definitely give it a try.

This past week is where all the complications now come in. BF has found another interest. He had started talking to her via email through a dating site. They seemed to have a lot in common and decided to meet up. Unfortunately, I was told about this the night before the meeting. I felt betrayed as he did not tell me about her before. That same night when talking about his meetup, he confided that he invited her over the next evening to meet me and to see where both of our relationships would go.

Needless to say, I freaked out! :eek: I told him I'm not ready for him to have that kind of relationship feelings towards another. I had figured we were in this together and would meet potentials as a couple and let it fan out from there. We talked about things the next day and seemed to have met middle ground.

The next day, after meeting BF's potential, we had set up the date with the guy from the video session. Things went great! :) I was seeing that something might take place and was interested to proceed. It was a good night.

The next morning we decided we needed us time. However, during this "us" time, he got a call from Potential and immediately set up a date with her for that evening without talking to me. I was crushed. :( He didn't talk to me about it until afterwards and I was starting to feel left out. When he came home that evening, he confessed he made out with her. Now I definitely feel left out in that he did not tell me anything of the sort would have happened. He knew I was hurt that he set up that meeting without letting me know beforehand and yet he kissed her that same night.

I'm almost to the point of moving out. He says I'm not ready. I feel like I would like to experience this still but I need that full communication as to when he has meetups and what may happen at the beginning. I'm hurt at the moment. He wants to proceed so fast in this area, and I am a beginner. I'm feeling jeaously and insecurities. His Potential was nice enough -- but I don't see us becoming great friends.

.... Also, I made a big slipup tonight -- I told my mom about the type of relationship that we are in. She flipped out and told me she never wanted to see him again and he is no longer welcome in her home. He is the father of my baby girl. I can't take this....

What do I do? Tonight is about to finish and I think he wants me moved out tomorrow. Is it better that way since I can not be at the level he needs me to be at? How do I proceed with my parents not wanting him at their house when he is involved with their grandchild? HELP!! I don't want this to be the end.

AnnabelMore 10-13-2011 07:19 PM

Why the hell can't he slow down a little for you? Is he that immature that he has to have everything he wants right now, no delays and no negotiations? It sounds to me like he's the one not ready for poly. It takes a lot of empathy for your partner and a lot of patience to do poly responsibly, and he's not showing any of those things. What you're asking for, foreknowledge of dates for example, is *not* unreasonable.

And what's up with him pushing you into new sexual situations so quickly? Is this just a kink for him? Again, by not moving at your pace he's showing a lack of respect.

Parents sometimes take a while to come around. Your mom will almost certainly change her mind over time when she sees the loving, strong role he plays as a partner, father, amd supporter... *if* he can learn a little more care with his actions, that is.

AnnabelMore 10-13-2011 07:23 PM

"What do I do? Tonight is about to finish and I think he wants me moved out tomorrow."

Also, what the hey? Are you choosing to move out or is he kicking you out? Why such a drastic choice when you could just take a break from all this for a week and talk out boundaries and timelines like adults?

redpepper 10-13-2011 09:42 PM

You just had a baby. This is ridiculous. The baby should be both of your concern right now no? Having had a child, I can not see how anything else matters right now. He obviously does not realize this or care. Of course you aren't ready. You have just undergone the biggest life changing event a woman could possibly endure. You likely need time for that. Like three years!

zylya 10-14-2011 09:04 AM

Lack of communication. Common issue, but absolutely deadly. If he's not giving you the communication and speed that you require, then you're going to have to be the one that fronts up and starts talking to him about it.

I can't make any judgements on the situation because the two of you aren't talking about it - there seems to be no boundaries set, no limits discussed and no plan. Recipe for disaster imo, so start talking!

RiniDance 10-14-2011 09:09 PM

Thanks Red Pepper. Problem is, he originally didn't want the baby. Now that she's here, well.. he's just having lots of problems. He isn't feeling a full connection to her either and doesnt want to put the time in to let her get to know him.

Now he blames me for saying I was somewhere further along through my emotions and what I wanted as if I lied to him about a poly relationship. He is not willing to wait any longer. He is not willing to let this other relationship go either even though it is at a beginning phase (2 weeks of knowing her).

This month would have been our 1 year anniversary -- now not so sure that's going to happen.

I can not seem to get through to him that I've been through a major time and change due to the pregnancy. Now I have the child to care for.

Am I wrong in asking for time? He wants to set a time frame on this because of a previous relationship going downhill because he wanted a poly relationship with her. Now, he's saying I'm saying the same things but Im not. I'm simply asking for him to calm down and give me time. Was I wrong in asking for him to simply talk to her only and not meet up in person until we get things settled properly?

MichelleZed 10-14-2011 10:26 PM

I'm so sorry this happened to you! You were just starting out with this fellow and you hadn't tried poly yet when you got pregnant. I'm pregnant now too; I know what it's like. It's so tiring, and you were going through a divorce, and you didn't feel totally supported by your partner.

So first, big hugs. Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.

Your bf is pushing you into dating other people because he wants to be able to date other people without feeling so guilty about it. But he's missed that the important thing isn't that you have another guy as a distraction. The important thing is that you feel secure and loved. A new boyfriend for you doesn't "balance out" a new girlfriend for him. A new girlfriend for him can only be balanced out by his actions towards you: being considerate, being open and honest, spending romantic time with you, spending time being a dad to give you a break, etc.

He's not doing that, is he? He's just adding extra stress onto a new mom's life and expecting you to deal. Tell him to come read our replies and shape up. Poly isn't impossible for you two, but he's going to have to be a little gentler.

AnnabelMore 10-14-2011 10:58 PM


Originally Posted by RiniDance (Post 106507)
Am I wrong in asking for time? He wants to set a time frame on this because of a previous relationship going downhill because he wanted a poly relationship with her. Now, he's saying I'm saying the same things but Im not. I'm simply asking for him to calm down and give me time. Was I wrong in asking for him to simply talk to her only and not meet up in person until we get things settled properly?

You're not wrong, you're being completely reasonable in asking for time. And a time frame is, you say, what he wants... it just seems like he wants it to be his timeline, not your timeline or a compromise timeline.

Maybe he misrepresented those past relationships, maybe they ended for the same reason -- that he was simply too demanding, inflexible, and unempathetic. Honestly, I'm sure the idea of parting ways with the father of your child must be terribly hard, but the fact that he doesn't want to take the time to get to know his own child, well, that's not exactly a "partner", is it?

Magdlyn 10-15-2011 02:05 AM

Ugh, he's acting extremely selfishly. I'm with RedPepper, this is the time for bonding with the new baby. If contraception failed (or you both made the choice not to use any), this child is just as much his responsibility as it is yours.

He just wants to go out and shag whoever whenever. You'd planned a nice evening at home, and instead he made a date and went out? Unacceptable, and not good poly practice.

You've been through a divorce and pregnancy and birth and now you have a newborn!

I just want to say, dump him. He is not acting in a loving respectful manner at all. Go home to your parents, take care of your daughter, and make sure he's giving you child support. You were both swept up in NRE (new relationship energy), moved in together way too soon, now his lust for you has lessened and he just wants to cat around. You and your (plural) child are cramping his style!

RiniDance 10-15-2011 03:03 AM

Thank you for the support. I know this is just my side of the story. I try to explain things to him but it seems he always misinterprets due to the current situations. Maybe a break would be best.

As for my daughter. I love her! I want the best for her and right now, I'm not getting that from her father. He has health issues too which I hadn't mentioned before. The problem is, he is only willing to give me a break when I need sleep. I change her, bathe her, talk to her, love her all the time. I did have to ask him about this -- he never seems to take an interest in her. He only gets her when I'm at a breaking point :(.

It has been a rough year, divorce for both of us, new pregnancy, moving in together (probably way too soon -- I agree with you Magdlyn), and being a new mom now. I'm still learning!! Within that first week he expected me to know her cries, to know what to do. I haven't been around children or rather newborns well... don't think I ever really was around them. All my cousins are the same age as me.

I feel rushed in all my actions. I'm expected to learn something and improve all at once -- no time. Yes I agree with him. Its takes extremes sometimes to make me do something but he hadn't asked me properly for something he'd like done.

He says he cannot give me a commitment to know I'm a high priority in his life or to just feel secure in "us". He just says things like "for the moment..." "nothings a guaranty". This hurts.

Now, in all this, I will be returning to work in a week. I hate my job right now and being in this situation isn't making things any easier for me. *sigh* Finally he brought up something. When I went through my divorce, my ex left me with a good deal of debt that he was suppose to help me with. The ex didn't. My current now apparently brings this up as "security" for me. Saying he pays the rent, gets the groceries, pays for everything. This is NOT true. Although my income has been extremely limited, I still contribute what I can.

Maybe I'm fighting for a lost cause. I will ask him to read this thread. Thank you everyone *hugs* I'm finding it easier to get my emotions out here and to get suggestions.

Also as an update, I did move out today or rather mostly moved out. I am now living with my parents. I'm saddened that I had to go to this route. I still love him. I just want to feel secured and loved by him so that we can enjoy this lifestyle together. I really will not mind him having a girlfriend. It just came as a shock as he told me one thing, then excelled the process extremely fast for me without really letting me know exactly where they were and what was happening. He won't let me say the process was fast... he just keeps telling me he made a mistake and YET continues to move things on with her. :(

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