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kcczoey6666 10-11-2011 01:56 AM

My Boyfriend of almost three years now says that he wants to be in a poly relationship and he gets really sad about not being about to embrace that due to me not wanting to try it. we are great together and have the same interests. and hang out often when we can i work full time. Well he is the best boyfriend could have asked for and i want to try and get through this and try for him. I know he would try to continue being mono for me but i do want to try. I am very insecure and i feel like this other person will be btter then me and he will leave me in the end. He tells me all the time that it is not like that and that he loves me a lot and doesn't want to hurt me and we talk about this often. I am also dealing with the fact i just found out that i have pcos and i might not be able to have kids which we have talked about having. I feel weird that someone else would get to do that with him and i will not and i just want to know what to do to understand this lifestyle better. As well as trying it myself as well. He would like me to date others as well as him to add to our family. Please Help me thank you.

Anneintherain 10-11-2011 02:21 AM

Hey there.
I don't have a lot of advice, but I wanted to drop a few sentences your way. If you DO decide to try this, yes, meeting a new person (whether friends or lovers) doesn't mean the old people get left. Even if you think they are better looking, even if this new friend is funnier, or more into mountain climbing. That is one good thing about poly. The fact that it sounds like it's been being talked about for awhile is a good thing, knowing that he isn't rushing into something helps.

If you do venture forth, you might want to identify just what your insecurities center round, and help give him ways to address them. Otherwise he might be doing or saying what he thinks will make you feel better like constantly telling you he loves you and that you're special, when it doesn't help because what you really want or need to hear is that he's glad to come home to you at the end of the day because no matter how crazy his day is, he feels at peace when he comes home to your smile.

Also, unless he has said he wants to have kids no matter what, there is no reason to think that just because he dates other people that he will have kids with them. It does not mean that other partners will live with you some day in a big family so you'll have to help raise children he has with his other partner. What it means is you can negotiate anything you want. If staying with him if he wants kids with somebody else is a deal breaker because it would break your heart, it's OK to say that. If you decide you would try it if biological kids are really important to him...well that's at least a couple years in the future isn't it? You've got to date people, like them, love them, decide if having a family makes sense, make sure nobody is rushing into parenthood too fast. You get to figure out if you want to date or not, etc.

Again, my couple of sentences ran into a big old essay, but mainly I wanted you to keep in mind that poly have thousands of configurations, and you do get to decide what would or wouldn't work for you.

kcczoey6666 10-11-2011 02:28 AM

Thanks for the insite i feel so lost about even where to start and how to noot get jealous when someone comes into the equiation. Also how do i tell my parents about something likes this i don't want to hide anything from them

Anneintherain 10-11-2011 03:33 AM

I hope you have looked at the stickies on top of this forum, included are book recommendations and other threads worth reading. I would suggest for sure reading if you are going to try this is "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. It starts a bit out there if you aren't a kinky person, but it has a lot of good checklists and questions to go over with each other, which I think is great for people who are going from mono to poly. Really though I'm a "read as much as possible about the subject" person, so I've read most of the books I can find and they have ALL had some value, and something worth discussing in them.

To tell your parents? Well lots of people wait until they are dating somebody seriously before telling parents or friends or coworkers about it. Some people never do if it's not going to do anything but worry them. Maybe you try this for 6 months and it doesn't work out - would you wish you had kept your mouth shut or that they knew? My mom's a swinger, my dad's an ex swinger and rampant cheater, therefore I didn't have any problem telling them, so my advice isn't much use I'm afraid. Really the worst was my Mom trying to tell me I was making a mistake and I should swing because it was "safer" for the marriage then sleeping with somebody without my husband there :rolleyes:

There are a number of threads on here about coming out and telling people if you do end up wanting to share it though.

sagency 10-11-2011 08:08 AM

Welcome to the forum.

When thinking about your bf, there's one determination to make first: is he poly, or is he using the term poly as a more acceptable term than swinging? You might already know enough a out his past and bus views on relationships, sex, and love to answer that question. If he's just looking for escape, then you've got problems. If he's actually a swinger with no interest in relationships, then poly purists might take issue with his choice of terms.

But let's assume that he's honest poly. If so, he might have already de-programmed the mono thinking that say love is only 1 + 1. Thus, you don't need to be so worried about whether a new person could replace you. Poly folks are very good at seeing differences but appeciating them rather than comparing them.

As for the PCOS, my mono and I invited a couple over Sunday to celebrate their twins' first birthday, and the primary mother in that couple has PCOS. It's tough but possible.

Education and communication are your friends. Reading is important, but talking and istening are also essential. Communicate with each other. Use concrete examples. Ask what his long-term image is.

As a poly male, I can assure you that coming out is not an easy thing. It's a good sign he's talking to you rather than playing behind your back. In the meantime, when you feel anxious, ask yourself if you're worried about a now thing or a future thing. If it's something going on right then, think about it and figure out the root issue. If it's a future thing, try to let it go. The future can worry on its own just fine.


nycindie 10-11-2011 03:08 PM

My first reaction to your initial post, kcc, is to also recommend that you both read as much as you can about polyamory, ask questions here, and keep talking with him about how he would envision things. And decide for yourself whether it is something you want. Don't just get into it to make him happy, because putting your own needs aside will make you miserable. Make sure you are both as informed as possible, and then take baby steps. Don't jump into being sexual with other people right away.

As far as telling your parents... um, why would you? You're an adult, and poly is just something you're considering now, to see if it is right for you. Why should they be told anything that is private between you and your boyfriend, when it would probably just create drama and ickiness, especially if they are not as open-minded? I would wait a while until you actually have a poly relationship happening, and it's got some stability, before you start telling your parents and rocking the boat.

kcczoey6666 10-11-2011 05:47 PM

So thanks everyone for the feed back as for my boyfriend he sees it as a way to love more then one person and he would never do anything behind my back and we talk about almost everything. I know that it is not just sexual or that he just wants to sleep with others. I know that it is poly he wants he even signed up on this website to with me to work through this together.

As for if this is what i want i think i do. it is the insecurits i have that make it hard. I have always had fellings for other guys when i was younger and for the guy i was with at the same time. I did not understand what it was so i ended up cheating when i was younger often. I am having a hard time with the fact that he will be with others but i have to remeber i will be to and i might grow to love these other people as well. Boy Or Girl there is more to relationships then sex. I have to understnd that it is not a bad thing like i was raised to believe.

And thank you for telling me about your friend with PCOS that gives me lots of hope. This site is the best

RiniDance 10-12-2011 09:18 AM

KCC, I feel the same way you are as I am in the same situation. My boyfriend is poly and he introduced me to it when I was failing in my marriage last year about this same time.

My boyfriend gave me this site this morning to review and I am glad to have found someone who feels the same as me.

I also feel for you with PCOS. I was diagnosed with PCOS about 2 years ago. Being on the regime for that condition, I was able to have a beautiful baby girl 2 months ago. It is possible to conceive and I hope you are able to.

I found most of the replies in the message as helpful, but it seems with differences lately, that my boyfriend and I will be splitting up. He was patient in waiting for me during my pregnancy, but that did not give me time to experience what I needed to.

Good luck to you.

Bones 10-12-2011 12:24 PM

Hello, I'm KCCs BF, Bones, I'm trying my best to show her that me wanting to be poly isn't aboutnwanting to sleep around, and if i were to find another girl, it wouldn't mean I'd love her less. any advice one ways to help me help her?

kcczoey6666 10-12-2011 09:01 PM

aww baby thanks for that it shows you care your the best ever lol. and if there is any methods people hve used in the past to help there partner out with getting started would be best.

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