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-   -   When the secondary visits (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15625)

saltandredpepper 10-10-2011 11:02 AM

When the secondary visits
 
I'd appreciate any advice on dealing with the time when my primary partner has private bedroom time with her long-distance secondary in our house. My response of jealousy, hypervigilence, and insomnia during his last visit was not good for any of us.

nycindie 10-10-2011 11:50 AM

I think it might help if you gave us some more information. Here are some questions that will fill in some blanks:
  1. How long has your wife been involved with this person?
  2. How long is he planning on staying?
  3. Is that longer, shorter, or the same as last time?
  4. Have you planned to spend time with him one-on-one (as friends) or with him and your wife together on outings?
  5. Do you have an additional relationship, too?
  6. What kind of physical space do you live in and what will the sleeping arrangements be? Or what room will they be staying in?
  7. What were the most glaring things you had the biggest problem with the last time?

OpenandCountry 10-10-2011 03:49 PM

Like nycindie said, we need some more information about your situation. However, my husband and I have a system for spending time with my boyfriend.
In general I don't cuddle/touch either of them when we're all together, mainly because its relatively new to us, and we're still testing boundaries. The secondary and I don't have sex in the same bed as my husband and me, and I don't have sex with one of them while the other is in the house. One day, we might be comfortable enough to eliminate one of more of these rules, but this works for us now.

saltandredpepper 10-10-2011 05:25 PM

Thanks for the quick responses, nycindie and leannahope. As requested, here's the skinny. She's been involved with him three years, two as her distance primary and one as a secondary since I entered the picture as her local partner ten months ago. He's visiting for two weekends at the turn of the month which is the same duration as his last visit in the summer when we didn't have any one-on-one time but did plenty as a threesome. He and I share a mutual love for her but don't have or desire a separate friendship. She's encouraged me to explore other distance relationships but I'm 0/2 on that count. Neither of the former lovers I visited were able to accept that I live with and love someone else. On his last visit we spent the first weekend sharing a queen bed which worked out great for love-making but not so great for sleep. He slept in her former bedroom and current temple on the second weekend due to her teen daughter being home and this is when I got jealous and agitated - when she had alone bedroom time with him in our house. Herbal sleep aids didn't do the trick, ambien/lorazepam did but I don't want them, and she doesn't want me to leave for the weekend which is my inclination. Any other tricks of the trade?


Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 105823)
I think it might help if you gave us some more information. Here are some questions that will fill in some blanks:
  1. How long has your wife been involved with this person?
  2. How long is he planning on staying?
  3. Is that longer, shorter, or the same as last time?
  4. Have you planned to spend time with him one-on-one (as friends) or with him and your wife together on outings?
  5. Do you have an additional relationship, too?
  6. What kind of physical space do you live in and what will the sleeping arrangements be? Or what room will they be staying in?
  7. What were the most glaring things you had the biggest problem with the last time?


Anneintherain 10-11-2011 02:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by saltandredpepper (Post 105853)
she doesn't want me to leave for the weekend which is my inclination.

I will just say on that note, when I think a solution works GREAT for me, but my partner's wanting me to not do it, I'm going to do it my way if there's no good reason not to. Nobody else should decree how I deal with my feelings. If you would feel better elsewhere, but don't want them to have to give up time together, I see nothing wrong with doing just that. It's not like it happens every month, and you'd know sooner than later if you would rather be in your own room after all. Nothing is stopping you from changing your mind and going back home if you want at any point in the visit.

Only reason I can think that she doesn't want you to leave (unless it's a $ issue) is that she feels guilty, but that's really her issue to work through. I think it's great that you are trying to take care of yourself. I don't see how it's better for you or her if you're home and suffering. I'd make a little solo road trip out of the weekend if it was feasible. Gotta be fun places to visit within driving distance.

saltandredpepper 10-11-2011 10:19 AM

Hey, thanks for the understanding, Anneintherain (love that name!). She would like the two of us guys to be friends and allies and that is the biggest reason she would rather I didn't leave when he visits.

My partner who's also on this forum as Mara reminded me that she had broken up with her other guy as she and I were coming together but then reinitiated with him when we decided to open up the relationship. I realized on a long run last night that I had envisioned courting a mutual partner with the new open relationship. Her bringing back her ex and my checking out my own ex's has brought some distance to our partnership, though we are talking about it now and committed to finding a way to be loving and supportive of each other. I didn't realize how much writing it down and receiving the perspective of others more experienced in multiple partner relationships would help clarify some confusing and contradictory feelings so thanks to the forum and all those who've responded so far.

Magdlyn 10-11-2011 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by saltandredpepper (Post 105971)
Hey, thanks for the understanding, Anneintherain (love that name!). She would like the two of us guys to be friends and allies and that is the biggest reason she would rather I didn't leave when he visits.

My partner who's also on this forum as Mara reminded me that she had broken up with her other guy as she and I were coming together but then reinitiated with him when we decided to open up the relationship. I realized on a long run last night that I had envisioned courting a mutual partner with the new open relationship.

You were imagining having a "unicorn." Male or female, does it matter? You said you've had 3ways with her other partner... are you both bi?

Quote:

Her bringing back her ex and my checking out my own ex's has brought some distance to our partnership, though we are talking about it now and committed to finding a way to be loving and supportive of each other.
You two are running into a very common scenario. It seems most couples first look for a "single hot bi babe" to share, when first opening their marriage. This hardly ever happens, and the partners go on to date separately. It's nice when ones' 2 partners click as friends, as your wife seems to wish, but that doesn't always happen either.

saltandredpepper 10-11-2011 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 105988)
You were imagining having a "unicorn." Male or female, does it matter? You said you've had 3ways with her other partner... are you both bi?



You two are running into a very common scenario. It seems most couples first look for a "single hot bi babe" to share, when first opening their marriage. This hardly ever happens, and the partners go on to date separately. It's nice when ones' 2 partners click as friends, as your wife seems to wish, but that doesn't always happen either.

Inny or outy, either way is good for us as long as it's mutually respectful with shared life goals and earth based spirituality. Does that make us both bi? Either way, giddyup horsey!

So how does it work out in the end when each partner dates separately? I can feel myself detaching some from the primary relationship as she and I have started down that path.

Anneintherain 10-11-2011 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by saltandredpepper (Post 105971)
She would like the two of us guys to be friends and allies and that is the biggest reason she would rather I didn't leave when he visits.

That makes sense, but really it doesn't matter too much what she wants when it comes to you getting through any discomfort you go through sharing your house for an extended time with a metamour. I don't know if you're having company again his time that would have her being with him while you sleep alone, or if you just want them to have time alone but don't want to sit twiddling your thumbs in the next room knowing they are right there, but if you will be the one alone with your thoughts and not her, it can be more selfish than loving to try to get you to stay there if you don't want to.

If you would be willing to stick around some to just say hi, have dinner, whatever, that might be a good compromise that would get some of her desires met - but only if you want to.

I would LOVE it if my boyfriend and husband desired a friendship, whether independent or hanging out all together, or with my bf's wife, etc. What I HAVE though, is a boyfriend who met my husband once for 5 minutes. Somehow they always manage to miss each other when he's leaving the house after a visit. My husband doesn't feel the need for more than that, and since he is gracious enough to coordinate his schedule to give us time alone here, it's his comfort level that matters more than any agenda I have to get the happy poly "family" of friendships I'd envisioned.

I'm glad writing your problems down has given you insight to realize that there's a bit of distance going on that needs to be addressed before it became a big problem!

nycindie 10-11-2011 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by saltandredpepper (Post 105996)
So how does it work out in the end when each partner dates separately? I can feel myself detaching some from the primary relationship as she and I have started down that path.

Detachment isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think it's a huge lesson for any couple to learn that they can still love each other deeply and not be "attached" in the way they used to be, or in the way that monogamous society thinks it should be. There is a lot to be gained in recognizing a partner's autonomy and individuality. To me, attachment smacks a bit of possessiveness, of holding the other back, and of wanting things to stay the same. Really, when you love someone you want them to be happy and free, not attached and dependent. A partnership is standing beside the person you love, being supportive when asked and holding up a mirror when needed, but we all make our journeys through life on our own terms.

You're looking at some good stuff and asking the right questions!


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