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-   -   I'm the 'other woman' (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15614)

newtoday 10-10-2011 12:47 AM

I'm the 'other woman'
 
Hi all,

I've been searching the internet far and wide to find advice and support for those of us who are the "other woman".

I became involved with my guy just over a year ago when he explained that his relationship with his significant other was now void of all physical intimacy. It began several years ago when she struggled with sex, then was further exasperated when she became ill.

It was a little out of my comfort zone but I agreed to give it a try - he was amazing and I wanted to have an open mind.

In that year, we have fallen in love. We express that to each other regularly. Yet it doesn't change his commitment to his partner.

I guess my problem is coping with a new jealousy that has arisen.

I could cope with being involved with him when I believed that their relationship lacked sexual content. But lately, when I'm at their home, she seems more attentive, touching him, and he's enjoying that. And the green monster rears its head and I feel sad.

Reading alot about jealousy, I try to understand why I feel this way. I guess I feel threatened that she will suddenly want that back with him and I'm suddenly unrequired anymore. And maybe part of me hopes that one day he will leave to be with me fulltime, and that seals the deal that he really won't.

I don't know... and I have nobody to talk to about it. My friends and family know a little about our situation, but not enough for me to share these feelings with.

Someone, please help!:confused:

nycindie 10-10-2011 01:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtoday (Post 105766)
I guess I feel threatened that she will suddenly want that back with him and I'm suddenly unrequired anymore. And maybe part of me hopes that one day he will leave to be with me fulltime, and that seals the deal that he really won't.

I don't know... and I have nobody to talk to about it.

Yes, you do. You have him. Is there a reason you can't talk to him about your fears?

newtoday 10-10-2011 02:34 AM

Thanks for the reply nycindie. :)

He and I have talked about it in the past, but at that time, she was unresponsive to any physical affection from him. Now she appears to be initiating it somewhat.

It's selfish but part of me is happy for him because I know he misses that aspect of his relationship with her, but the other part feels threatened.

I'm hesitant to revisit it with him again for fear that I appear high maintenance or selfish. I'm neither of those things, but sadly I am a little insecure about it.

I will have a conversation with him about it, again, and he will try to ease my mind... but I can't shake the feeling of jealousy I feel when she now rests her head on his shoulder or rubs his arm or leg when for the last 15 months she's barely stood within 5 feet of him. :confused:

AnnabelMore 10-10-2011 03:44 AM

Do you and she have a friendship? Does she understand and accept, fully, what goes on between you and him?

Podunk 10-10-2011 08:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 105786)
Do you and she have a friendship? Does she understand and accept, fully, what goes on between you and him?

That's what I was thinking. May be time to sit down all together and decide what direction both relationships are heading. There could be more common ground than you think. It sounds like things are possibly at a turning point. That could be good or bad, but I would want to know first-hand from everyone involved.

BlackUnicorn 10-10-2011 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtoday (Post 105766)
In that year, we have fallen in love. We express that to each other regularly.

I guess I feel threatened that she will suddenly want that back with him and I'm suddenly unrequired anymore.

The two statements above seem a bit contradictory. I mean, he loves you - you are not just someone he vents his sexual frustrations on. How would you then be unrequired, even if his marriage would heal to a point of a renewed physical intimacy?

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtoday (Post 105776)
I'm hesitant to revisit it with him again for fear that I appear high maintenance or selfish.

Your jealousy seems to be pretty directly related to you not knowing what is your place in his life and heart, to the point where you try to watch your step carefully as not to appear "difficult" or "needy".

Why do you feel your relationship with him must be easy-breezy and without problems? Although you refer to yourself as the other woman, being a secondary doesn't mean you only get half a relationship.

There's the often circulated Secondary's Bill of Rights by Franklin Veaux, and one item on it goes like this:

I have the right to have and express all of my emotions. I knowingly and willingly accept that being secondary may place limits on many things (e.g., sharing family holidays or vacations with my partner, having my partner with me in a time of crisis or celebration). My acceptance of that possibility does not mean that I won't be disappointed or even sad during such times. Further, being secondary comes with some built-in challenges to security (especially in the beginning) and there may be times I need reassurance as to how and where I fit into my partner's world. I promise to do my best keep things in perspective and to avoid guilt, drama, temper tantrums and pouting, but I ask that my partner and his or her partners accept reasonable expressions of doubt, disappointment, etc. on my part.

I think it's time to get real with him.

Breathesgirl 10-10-2011 01:21 PM

http://www.morethantwo.com/ is Franklin's new site. He has some really awesome articles, especially about jealousy.

http://www.morethantwo.com/jealousytheory.html
http://www.morethantwo.com/jealousypractice.html

Both these links are about jealousy. Read them, and the rest of his site. You might just find some very effective ways for managing, and dealing with, your jealousy.

Magdlyn 10-10-2011 02:01 PM

Does the wife know you and her husband are lovers?

GroundedSpirit 10-10-2011 02:36 PM

Ni Newtoday,

I'm going to go out on a limb and say you are being affected by the all-to-common disease of competitiveness.
When you thought you were # 1 in the sexual fulfillment dept - you were golden.
Now you see some potential to have that position challenged - whether it's real or not.
Repeat to self 1000 times ............

Love and sex are NOT a competition !!!

When you see his mate as a partner (as opposed to a competitor) working towards the same goal (his happiness) these feelings and fears will go away.

GS

Minxxa 10-10-2011 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 105837)

Love and sex are NOT a competition !!!

GS

Love this!


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