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-   -   keeping everyone happy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1548)

xvxgoveganxvx 11-29-2009 06:46 PM

keeping everyone happy
i've been with one partner for 4 1/2 years. i just meet the most amazing women and i'm falling for her. both of my partners like each other and we can all hang out with out any issue. she is the first partner my boyfriend actually "approves" of.
now for my fears.
other partners in the past said they felt like a "side girl". someone who i'm having an affair with, not an actual partner. i never understood that because i gave them so much of me.
my girlfriend is happy with the "situation". but i live with my boyfriend. what happens in the long run? i feel like if we do get serious, she would feel alone while i lived with someone. she says she is open to polyamory, so maybe she would meet someone else as well. i'm just nervous.
would i have to move out to make it "fair"??:confused:

Erosa 11-29-2009 07:33 PM

I am very new to the poly scene but I can tell you this much; You don't have to move out. Nor does she have to move in.

All that really has to happen is very open and direct comunication about expectations and intent.

What does she expect in a relationship with you? What do you expect in a relationship with her? Make sure that is all out on the table.

Then make a game plan as it were; "This is how this relationship works."

Just because you live in one building or with one person versus another does not negate your love for the other person.

Just make certain that everyone knows all the expectations emotionally and physically so that no one gets hurt later. (Or at least, no one can say they didn't have fair warning.)

LovingRadiance 12-01-2009 04:59 AM

The "rule" is-

You, she and he need to discuss what it is EACH of you wants/needs to be happy in a relationship and figure out if those things are compatible.

That's it. IF it is compatible-great move forward. If it's not-then be "just friends" with whoever it won't work with.

Different people need/want different things. The key is finding people who are mature enough to REALLY know what they need/want and then being sure the dynamic of the relationship allows for and promotes discussion of those things.

Ceoli 12-01-2009 01:11 PM

Pretty much what LR said except that I would add one thing. Keep checking in with that discussion as peoples wants and needs can change.

bryophyte 12-02-2009 03:01 AM

I don't have any insight but...yay vegan!

I recently revisited an old open marraige thread on a vegan chat board I go to and was reminded that even many vegans can be closed minded about poly. Ugh. But not everyone is like that of course!

Anyway, welcome!

Sweetheart 12-02-2009 08:57 AM

Welcome, and best of luck to you!

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