Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Very conflicted (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15287)

zaitrancer 10-01-2011 08:41 PM

Very conflicted
Hi - I'm in a situation that has me very conflicted, and I'm not sure where to turn. Maybe some people here can help or point me towards someone who can?

I am in a 12 year same sex relationship. In fact, we recently got married. Over the years our relationship slowly evolved to something less sexual and more like best friend's but with deep loyalty, camaraderie and shared happiness. Although the sex is rare, it's incredibly hot when we have it. We have built a wonderful life together. I would jump in front of a bus for this man, and I want to grow old together.

We were monogamous for maybe 5 to 6 years and then opened up our relationship in the sense that we didn't actively look for sexual encounters (alone or separate) with others but if they happened it was a non-issue. Those instances have been relatively rare, but they have been fun on occasion and they have worked.

Recently we shared a third with a single guy, and in getting to know him both he and I have developed feelings for each other in a way that at least for me I didn't know could even exist. I don't need to go on like a teenager, but what I thought initially was a crush that would quickly fade has deepened into a mellower but amazing sense of warmth, caring and connection.

Both of us are so emotionally and morally conflicted. I have no desire to leave my husband because he is my rock and although he may not have a romantic bone in his body I love him in a way that I could never love another; yet I've met someone else who touches another part of me in a way that my husband never could.

My husband knows my friend and I hang out, and he knows that my friend has a "crush" on me. Under our arrangement he is also ok if we "play", but my greatest source of conflict is that he isn't aware that what we feel is way beyond "playing".

My friend and I don't know how to proceed. Above all we want to do the right thing for all of us. This is completely uncharted territory for us and someone that would initially have been against our values - so we have no frame of reference on what we're even doing. Am I just a cheating spouse who needs to smarten up and cut all ties, or what should I do? My biggest desire to to live a moral life that is free and honest and I'm fit to be tied.

nycindie 10-01-2011 11:47 PM

Are you saying that your husband has also been sexual with your crush? So he knows him in that way, knows about your playing, knows you two hang out in a friendly way. I think it's only natural that deeper feelings don't suddenly appear out of the blue, so I wouldn't worry that you're cheating. You seem just as surprised by this as anything!

I think it would behoove you to tell your hubs something like "I'm beginning to feel more for __ than I expected to, and it's caught me by surprise. There is a depth to our friendship that I wasn't prepared for, and I just wanted to tell you because I don't want to hide anything. We really care about each other and I hope it's okay with you that I continue seeing him, because my feelings for him haven't changed anything about how I feel for you." Or to that affect. Just keep it simple and heartfelt. You don't have anything to feel guilty about, from what you've written, but you'll feel better the sooner you tell him, I believe.

So, breathe, relax, and stop being so hard on yourself! And welcome to the Forum!

redpepper 10-02-2011 05:38 AM

That sounds like a good way to put it to me too. There is no shame in loving two or more people. Those of us who identify as poly here understand that fully and are here to back you up.

It sounds like you could create a loving and meaningful "vee" from this situation. Your husband could be a very lucky man to have a partner and a metamour who love him. More love brings more of everything good if you ask me. That's why love should never be scarce I think; always abundant. Go for it! :) and let us know how it goes.

Sometrees79 10-02-2011 02:10 PM

Hoping this is on topic
Hi ...I have a similar problem or maybe the outcome is identical as I read
the word "very conflicted" and thought "That's me!".

Being absolutely new to this Forum I wonder if I can tell my experience in this thread as I am not sure this could be 100% in accordance with the Netiquette of the Forum.

I hope some more expert member can give me some advice on this...

thank you!

zaitrancer 10-02-2011 06:35 PM

Thanks so much for the suggestion on how to handle this. I was going through all these complicated scenarios in my head about how to explain it all, but your explanation is perfect for how we communicate. It's simple but honest and just how I feel without being all complicated.

I'll post an update on how it goes. :-)

zaitrancer 10-02-2011 08:15 PM

So I didn't waste any time on this. I just fixed us both a big breakfast and when we sat down I laid it all out on the table with complete honesty. We had a really good chat, and my husband was an amazing trooper. His only concerns are that nothing be neglected in our own relationship.

The one boundary he asked for was in regard to texting. My friend likes to text, so my phone dings a lot from early morning until late at night. My husband and I both agreed that that could be an intrusion into our "own time" even when I don't answer the text.

I've got the biggest smile on my face and the lightest heart right now!

Hardison 10-03-2011 01:13 AM

congrats z.

redpepper 10-03-2011 06:22 AM

Nice! I'm happy for you that it went okay :)

sagency 10-03-2011 06:39 AM

Good to hear, Z.

In some ways, your post was mildly amusing. After all, as a member of a long-term same sex couple, you probably have a lot of thought that's gone into the nature and value of relationships that many hetero folks might take for granted. In that regard, being mindful of your (now plural) relationships might even be easier for you than others. It is great to see the excitement and to have a positive environment though. I'm glad you're off to a good start.

That said, let me remind you that while love may be boundless, time is not. Your original partner is wise in noting that time with each other is important. As you head down this road, remember that communication is a vital element, and the other is time management. If you need any unpaid and perhaps brilliant or perhaps highly suspect advice, you know where to find us.

nycindie 10-03-2011 06:40 AM

Happy for you!

And I think a lot of poly tangles have boundaries around texting or calling during time spent with one or the other. You can either set your phone to silent and just check for messages when appropriate to do so (many proponents of "simplifying" our lives advocate disengaging from our devices in some way), or tell your new guy what hours texting wouldn't be cool. It will all work out.

Yay, you!

All times are GMT. The time now is 04:35 AM.