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-   -   Breakdown in communication (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15182)

Fiona 09-29-2011 07:48 PM

Breakdown in communication
 
My husband and I aren't exactly new to this, but this is the first time in years and years that we're each seeing someone. Things have been going pretty smoothly; I like my husband's girlfriend a lot, and they seem to have a good time together. I have been seeing someone as well; he once dated my husband's girlfriend too. He's a lot younger than me, which is something new for me.

In the course of our relationship, Boyfriend has often mentioned that he thinks I'm more emotionally attached/attracted to him than he is to me. I don't know what to think of this and have told him so. I think he's assuming a lot, and it's very frustrating for me. I feel that I can't express to him (or even really figure out myself) how I feel about him when he has told me that he feels "pressured to behave a certain way" or that he has to sustain "the same level" of attraction, etc., for me at all times.

In my experience, these sorts of things can and do fluctuate. It sounds to me as if he's not sure about being with me, but I don't feel that I have pressured him in any way (and, in fact, he has said that I haven't). We've talked about this a lot, and the last time he brought it up, it was very bad timing for that particular conversation...so I told him that I understood and didn't appreciate it being reiterated again and again.

He then was out of town for a few weeks and we didn't see each other or talk during that time. When he came back, he was very sweet and affectionate, saying he'd missed me and thought about me a lot while he was gone. I had actually been wondering if he was going to break things off with me when he came back; he didn't, but did break up with one of the other people he'd been seeing.

But in the last few weeks, we haven't seen each other at all. He has seemed reluctant to make plans with me, which is upsetting. I sent him a message about this the other day and - here's where the communication breakdown comes in - he got angry about it and didn't respond. Then he called me and told me how he felt. I apologized for the tone of the message and explained that I'd been feeling very lonely and sad, and had been reaching out to a lot of people, very few of whom responded. He said that if he knew this was going to be an intense conversation he wouldn't have called, because he had things to get done.

We hung up, and I sent him a message explaining how I felt and asking for his perspective. I did this because I generally communicate better in writing, and just wanted to get my thoughts down. He then apparently read it, because he called me back a few minutes later, saying "I am not going to have this conversation like that."

I said that we didn't have to have it just then. He started telling me AGAIN that there was a discrepancy in our feelings, etc., and I never wanted to talk about it, and that until I acknowledged that then he didn't know what to do. Also that I made him feel obligated, and that "obligation isn't sexy." I got increasingly frustrated because I feel like he just won't listen to me. Now I have no idea what to do. That was Monday; we haven't talked since. I sent him an article that I thought would interest him...nothing.

I don't know if he broke up with me. I'm sad and frustrated and angry. I have no idea how to handle the whole thing. He once told me "trust your partner" was a good thing to remember - in the context of him liking me and being attracted to me - but I don't think he's doing that at all. Trusting me, I mean.

I wish I could just talk to him face-to-face. I have no idea what's going on. Any advice is welcome. Let me know if any of this needs clarification; I'm all muddled right now, and I'm not sure if it makes sense.

IrisAwakened 09-29-2011 07:57 PM

A question for you: When he says that you are feeling more strongly for him than he is for you, do you think he is trying to tell you something? I would take that as an immediate red flag that he isn't all that into me. Perhaps I misunderstood your post?

SourGirl 09-29-2011 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IrisAwakened (Post 104303)
A question for you: When he says that you are feeling more strongly for him than he is for you, do you think he is trying to tell you something? I would take that as an immediate red flag that he isn't all that into me. Perhaps I misunderstood your post?

I`d take that as him being pretty darn clear.

At OP :

You say he is 'assuming' things.

Yet, he makes it clear he needs space, and isn`t interested in discussing certain things. You feel a need to solve and figure things out. To communicate more often, and to have plans fixed more often.

It`s your actions that tell him you want more then he does. He is trying to be clear with his words and actions. Each time you want more from him then he can give, he tries to remind you where he is at.

He is getting pissy, because he doesn`t feel heard.
You are getting pissy because you don`t feel heard.

This is a area of incompatibility that won`t be solved by either of you trying to force the other one to their way.

Figure out what really matters to you,..the relationship you have with him, at 'whatever' level works, or a relationship in the style you desire.

Good Luck.

nycindie 09-29-2011 08:24 PM

Why wait and wonder when he will break up with you? You can break up with him. That will probably turn his head around! Then you wouldn't be the clingy one hanging on (not that you are, but he seems to see you that way). One way to take charge of your destiny.

He sounds a bit immature and full of himself, I'm afraid. Who needs the kind of crap he's dishing?

NeonKaos 09-29-2011 08:41 PM

Two words come to mind immediately upon reading the original post:

One is "school".

The other is the opposite of "low".

Not necessarily in that order.

redpepper 09-29-2011 08:49 PM

This sounds like my Leo! To the tee. He has told me he can not give me what I need. I need contact almost daily even a text daily. He will not do that. He doesn't want to. I asked for a biweekly date. Same, won't do it. I asked that he come to my shows, won't do it. Basically I have to settle for what he wants or end it. So I settled.

I see him once a month for a date, have no expectation that he be involved in my life any more than that, don't talk to him every day and have decided to move my attention elsewhere and find others that work better for me. I don't have to break up with him; we have a good time, why not keep at what we DO have.

I just choose to scale back and not be as available either. Interestingly I have heard from him more, have been asked when our dates are, where I wasn't asked at all before and he actually has told me he misses me.

Maybe you too need to sit down, take the emotional content out of it all and be specific about what his needs are; then your needs and see if you can find a balance. Maybe that will cause you some pain and hurt. Maybe you will have to scale back your feelings and keep them to your self more. If its worth it to you then do it and see where you get. Otherwise, move on.

The other thing is that perhaps there is pressure for him elsewhere in his life. Maybe wondering a bit more about that and really listening and empathizing would help you understand that you are not the center of his world right now and coming across as overly needy. If that is the case then you can adjust your behavior accordingly.


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