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-   -   New guy - hello from Martin UK (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15102)

bassman 09-28-2011 05:17 AM

New guy - hello from Martin UK
 
Hello all
New on here, I'm in the UK, am 52, married male, we have a little boy who I love to bits!
I am semi-professional, work for a big international company, and I travel delivering Technical IT training, studying for a Bsc (very part time!).
I have a small sailing boat, I like nature and the out doors, love spending time with son, 7 now.
Yes, I played the bass, hence the name!

I love to laugh, and like people generally.

So hi, go easy on me, I'm new, ok? :D:D:D

bassman 09-28-2011 05:48 AM

My situation is, been married for 11 years. Always had an interest in what other people are doing in their bedrooms. Have read loads of forums about people cheating, swinging, bi-curios couples etc. I really liked the idea of exploring sexually, and then I found out what "hot wife" means. I could see how this can work, and I really really liked the idea of my wife perhaps taking a lover.

But, :(, shes a traditionalist, a church goer, and plays the "immoral" label for anyone who has sex before they are married even!

A friend of mine, who is far away,(and is also a friend of my wife's) started flirting with me on IM. "Finally", I thought "Someone who understands me!". We had lots of fun on the phone, its was phone f*cking actually. She suggested I try it with my wife.
I tried it, it worked and our sex life took off! - I really got excited when my wife said she fancied this guy at work. She was apologetic, but I kept insisting I was excited!! I'd stumbled on Poly and the book "Ethical slut" by now.
I really got excited when she said "if you werent around (meaning deceased!), I'd jump his bones!"
I took her in my arms, and I tried to tell her in the nicest possible way "I wish you 2 would find a hotel and go and bonk each others brains out!". She's known the man for a good few years, and they have a good friendship, and I hope to meet him when next hes in town.

bassman 09-28-2011 06:10 AM

Meantime she started enjoying flirting, and I was enjoying being able to discuss with her, the nice looking women that are all around! It was wonderful! It was fantastic!
I began reading ethical slut, and I tried some of the ideas on her, but she's stuck in that traditionalist mindset.

So, I will try the gentle approach, and just wait and see.

I guess, from the above, you might jump to the conclusion I am looking for a "hot wife", but thats not the case. I want HER to enjoy sex, I want HER to enjoy opening her mind, I want HER to at least be able to fantasise about someone other than me. Its about her, not me!

Somegeezer 09-29-2011 11:41 AM

Sounds like an interesting story. I have to say, I've also been excited thinking about if my partner had sex with another man. Haha! I'm also a bass player, so that's awesome. =] How long have you been playing? What styles do you enjoy playing most?

Welcome to the board! ^_^

Magdlyn 09-29-2011 11:53 AM

It's a benefit of being poly that a couple can at least flirt with others, and openly check out hot people on the street, with little to no jealousy. I know some mono people can also achieve this openness, but it seems kind of rare.

Does your wife know you had phone sex with another woman? Did you tell her that, before you tried it with her?

In my book, having cyber or phone sex without one's primary being informed and cool with it, is cheating. Maybe others feel differently.

bassman 09-29-2011 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Somegeezer (Post 104212)
Sounds like an interesting story. I have to say, I've also been excited thinking about if my partner had sex with another man. Haha! I'm also a bass player, so that's awesome. =] How long have you been playing? What styles do you enjoy playing most?

Welcome to the board! ^_^

Hi there
Been playing for decades, lets see, around 35 years actually! Played everything - rock, blues, country, even barn dance, jazz, dinner dance, big band etc!

I think what I'd like to play now would be sort of smooth jazz - Bob James, Sade, etc.

Havent played much lately, I travel too much with work to make any sort of band commitment :-(

bassman 09-29-2011 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 104214)
It's a benefit of being poly that a couple can at least flirt with others, and openly check out hot people on the street, with little to no jealousy. I know some mono people can also achieve this openness, but it seems kind of rare.

Does your wife know you had phone sex with another woman? Did you tell her that, before you tried it with her?

In my book, having cyber or phone sex without one's primary being informed and cool with it, is cheating. Maybe others feel differently.

Hi Magdlyn, my wife knows the woman, knows we flirt on the phone, but perhaps doesnt know all the details of exactly what was exchanged. So I suppose it was and wasnt (so its on the cheating scale somewhere I suppose, hopefully not up there with full sex?) it did do wonders for our sex life, and I'd really like her to enjoy that same experience, (with someone other than me).

We are stuck at the moment - we went to counselling at my suggestion. I thought I needed help to carefully open up about my sexual thoughts. The counsellor didnt seem that interested in me, and when she just gave me blank stare after I said "I'd like to share my sexual thoughts with my wife". I kinda confirmed that. The stupid counsellor didnt even turn up at the next meeting, so that just proved my suspicion.

Meantime I was on a roll! We bought some toys, books, DVD etc. But after my wifes comment on "immoral", Ive just hung back now - I realise I need to give her time to come round.

I mean she was not pleased when I sent her a picture of a MFM 3some. I thought she might enjoy that fantasy. But alas, it was a mistake, and the bedroom has gone back to boring for now.

River 09-29-2011 06:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bassman (Post 104256)
But after my wifes comment on "immoral", Ive just hung back now - I realise I need to give her time to come round.

As you said, her talk about "immoral" stems from her religious beliefs. Right?

Are you religious as well?

I suppose I'm something like a naturalistic buddhist. In my view, there is no God up in the sky looking down and frowning on us because we like to relish in intimacy and sexual pleasure. Perhaps you could ask her questions about her religious views around sexuality which might help her reconsider some of them? Maybe ask her if God dislikes sexual pleasure. If He does, well, you could ask why God then made us so dang horny/sexy to begin with. Stuff like that.

One often can't reason at all with people who adhere to strong religious convictions. >sigh<

Somegeezer 09-29-2011 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bassman (Post 104256)
Hi Magdlyn, my wife knows the woman, knows we flirt on the phone, but perhaps doesnt know all the details of exactly what was exchanged. So I suppose it was and wasnt (so its on the cheating scale somewhere I suppose, hopefully not up there with full sex?) it did do wonders for our sex life, and I'd really like her to enjoy that same experience, (with someone other than me).

We are stuck at the moment - we went to counselling at my suggestion. I thought I needed help to carefully open up about my sexual thoughts. The counsellor didnt seem that interested in me, and when she just gave me blank stare after I said "I'd like to share my sexual thoughts with my wife". I kinda confirmed that. The stupid counsellor didnt even turn up at the next meeting, so that just proved my suspicion.

Meantime I was on a roll! We bought some toys, books, DVD etc. But after my wifes comment on "immoral", Ive just hung back now - I realise I need to give her time to come round.

I mean she was not pleased when I sent her a picture of a MFM 3some. I thought she might enjoy that fantasy. But alas, it was a mistake, and the bedroom has gone back to boring for now.

That's cool about the music, I'd love to play some Jazz band stuff. =]

It's unfortunate about you and your wife though. She certainly seems the strict mono type and anything that even she remotely thinks is you pushing her into poly, she'll push back with force. She may never fully come round to the idea.

bassman 09-29-2011 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by River (Post 104289)
As you said, her talk about "immoral" stems from her religious beliefs. Right?

Are you religious as well?

I suppose I'm something like a naturalistic buddhist. In my view, there is no God up in the sky looking down and frowning on us because we like to relish in intimacy and sexual pleasure. Perhaps you could ask her questions about her religious views around sexuality which might help her reconsider some of them? Maybe ask her if God dislikes sexual pleasure. If He does, well, you could ask why God then made us so dang horny/sexy to begin with. Stuff like that.

One often can't reason at all with people who adhere to strong religious convictions. >sigh<

Ive gone off the idea of religion completely I'm afraid, (its a long story, I could tell it if you like!) and you're right - I think thats where her attitude/s come from, shes a regular church go-er.
Ive tried to ask her about what exactly she believes / doesnt believe, but she's not ready for that - for example, I asked her if I'm really going to hell just for being born !!

No, I'm completely atheist - too me, most religions are superstitious nonsense.

And you're right - I struggle to reason with her on those topics.


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