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-   -   Advice.."My wife doesn't feel THAT way about me" (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15071)

poobah123 09-27-2011 05:25 PM

Advice.."My wife doesn't feel THAT way about me"
 
So my wife says to me, "I don't feel THAT way for you". I asked her what she meant and she said she loves me but does not feel physically attracted to me. Meaning I do not arouse her sexually.

How do I handle this? I know it can be for a variety of reasons:
  • Been together 20 years
  • Sex with someone new
  • I have been having some ED problems :(
  • Hard getting over the emotional pain I caused her during our marriage
  • Difficulty getting over the hurt of me falling in love with someone else

Obviously I am doing something wrong emotionally. She has been unattracted to me in that way for a long time she says due to our fading relationship over the years. However we have gotten much better and she agrees. Our marriage is great now and we are looking forward to the future.

I am really torn up by this. Is this a sign she has lost her love for me although she says that's not the case? or will this just take time? or perhaps is she just not cut out for polyamory?

Any advice would help. Thanks

On a side note I am not bad looking. I am in good shape. Athletic and good looking. I am constantly getting flirts from other women (even married). One even told a table of women where my wife was sitting that she wanted to have sex with me.

SourGirl 09-27-2011 05:50 PM

Was there a time, when she DID feel that way about you ?

Was she ever, at any point the type to be overcome with lust and love and desire ?


If so,...then maybe.

She has to be the one to decide to try and rekindle that spark though. :( If she has ANYTHING rolling around in the back of her head saying ,..'maybe'...then it is possible that somehow, she has emotionally steeled herself over the years.

What not to do ? Don`t constantly tell her you`ll do 'anything' to get back to how things were. She has to know and feel, that her emotions are directed by herself, not manipulated by someone else's good intentions.

This is very hard to do. To sit back and let the cards fall where they may. This does not mean sit on your ass though. :) Go out, and live honestly, and compassionately, but be your own person.

Things will go as they should.

Side note - If you are the good looking guy who sucks up female attention, and forgot about her in the past, she could be so entirely sick of your shit that it`s hard for her to find 'that feeling.' The type of person she is attracted to, might differ now with age and wisdom.
50/50 odds .

poobah123 09-27-2011 06:03 PM

Yes. Rather recently actually. I had an emotional affair. The result of which is a poly relationship with the other couple if you can believe. However there was a time when she felt like she was really going to lose me and she said she got back that feeling. I imagine it stopped because we decided to be poly with the other couple.

I have never forgotten about her in terms of romance and sexuality. I consider myself much more well versed in romance than most men and I never stopped this. I had my flaws but I have changed now. She has also had flaws and I have forgiven and moved on.

Carma 09-27-2011 06:17 PM

I think it can be a protective measure. If she is afraid of being hurt again she is guarding her heart, and therefore her sexuality as well. I'd say just try and be gentle, and patient. Back rubs can do wonders! Or just holding each other. Sometimes just laying next to each other naked in the bed, then let your bodies do the work on their own. Or not. Maybe just sweet caresses. Long-term relationships have their ebb and flow. Sometimes a spark ignites and takes you totally by surprise!

poobah123 09-27-2011 06:24 PM

I love your viewpoint. Positive.

dingedheart 09-27-2011 06:57 PM

Does this mean she refuses to have sex with you?.... because she just not sexually into you....or is it you felt some disconnect during an encounter ...then asked....and got that answer.

I'm not sure what her thinking is but I'd have a real hard time thinking and being in intimate terms with her again ....Honesty is great ....those type of statements are mood killers ....and just because you had sexual desire for her today and yesterday doesn't mean it will be there tomorrow.....and she maybe fine with that. Hard to un-ring a bell.

Good luck D

AutumnalTone 09-27-2011 11:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poobah123 (Post 103968)
So my wife says to me, "I don't feel THAT way for you". I asked her what she meant and she said she loves me but does not feel physically attracted to me. Meaning I do not arouse her sexually.

How do I handle this? I know it can be for a variety of reasons:

If the relationship works for you even with that, do nothing.

If the relationship doesn't work for you, you're gonna have to change things. Find out what does arouse her and figure out from there if it's possible for you to change something to where you do arouse her. If the problem is specific to you, then walk on and find a partner or partners who do desire you sexually. Or stay involved with her yet spend your attention building new relationships with those who do desire you.

Rarechild 09-27-2011 11:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SourGirl (Post 103974)
Was there a time, when she DID feel that way about you ?

Was she ever, at any point the type to be overcome with lust and love and desire ?


If so,...then maybe.

She has to be the one to decide to try and rekindle that spark though. :( If she has ANYTHING rolling around in the back of her head saying ,..'maybe'...then it is possible that somehow, she has emotionally steeled herself over the years.

What not to do ? Don`t constantly tell her you`ll do 'anything' to get back to how things were. She has to know and feel, that her emotions are directed by herself, not manipulated by someone else's good intentions.

This is very hard to do. To sit back and let the cards fall where they may. This does not mean sit on your ass though. :) Go out, and live honestly, and compassionately, but be your own person.

Things will go as they should.


Side note - If you are the good looking guy who sucks up female attention, and forgot about her in the past, she could be so entirely sick of your shit that it`s hard for her to find 'that feeling.' The type of person she is attracted to, might differ now with age and wisdom.
50/50 odds .

SG, thanks especially for that bolded part. Indeed very hard to do. You're smart and funny.
-R

SourGirl 09-28-2011 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rarechild (Post 104016)
SG, thanks especially for that bolded part. Indeed very hard to do. You're smart and funny.
-R

Thank you Rarechild. :) That is a lovely compliment.

ladryna 09-28-2011 06:53 PM

Imagine how you would feel if you found out she hadn't felt "that" way in years and had participated in a highly active sex life with you while faking it. I don't know the answers but I do know you are lucky to have the honest communication and self-awareness on her part that allows you both to have a place to move forward from.... Even if the where to part is murky at best!


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