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-   -   Married Couple with Girlfriend (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15068)

btowntriad 09-27-2011 02:20 PM

Married Couple with Girlfriend
 
Not sure if this is the correct forum for this, but I need some help/advice regarding our situation. My wife and I have recently entered into a relationship with our girlfriend. When I say relationship, I mean we have progressed things along to where I feel like she is not just our unicorn any longer.

A little history of our relationship........my wife and I have been married for going on 17 years. We've known our girlfriend for about five or six years now. She was a friend of some friends and we now realize there's been an attraction between the three of us since day one. We've never really done much together other than an occasional drink here and there and maybe some emails, etc. She has always had her own life. Being a divorced mother of one, she's had a difficult time with the dating scene and has been burned several times but guys just looking for you know what.

I cannot speak for my wife, but I certainely have developed intense feeling for our girlfriend. Perhaps it is because it's something new and exciting, but I just don't feel that's the reason. I feel like I genuinely care for and love her. When she has to leave, I miss her. If we don't see her daily, I can't stand it.

Just this past weekend, I allowed the two of them to be alone together and afterwards, my wife allowed us to be alone. It was such a loving experience and to be honest, this isn't really all about sex, it's more emotional.

I really want to take this to another level to where our girlfriend and I can maybe go out on a date and likewise - they could too. I just don't know how to voice my feelings that I feel like there's a lot more to this than having a unicorn. I really don't feel like it's all about sex - I would perfectly happy laying in bed just holding each other!

AnnabelMore 09-27-2011 02:51 PM

Well, yeah, you're definitely in the right place... you just described polyamory. :)

You say you don't know how to voice your feelings -- what's so confusing about "I think I'm falling for this person"? I mean, you call her your girlfriend, in what world should "girlfriend" not include feelings, alone time, dates, maybe love or commitment? That would just make someone a friend-with-benefits, right?

Visit http://www.morethantwo.com/ and do some reading. You're gonna be ok. :)

AnnabelMore 09-27-2011 03:06 PM

Some slightly more nuanced advice -- talk to your wife first. Actually, scratch that, read the relevant essays at the site I linked above first. Don't assume you know what anyone else feels or wants, just communicate. And try to avoid getting a fixed idea in your head about how the relationship needs to look, who else your gf can or can't sleep with, how fast things should move, etc. Reading other people's stories here may help too... we've got lots of married couples and people dating one or both members of a married couple.

Oh, which leads me to another thing... *don't* think that you two have to love the gf equally or she has to love the two of you equally. It's ok if one relationship develops and another doesn't. Emotions usually work like that.

nycindie 09-27-2011 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by btowntriad (Post 103944)
Just this past weekend, I allowed the two of them to be alone together and afterwards, my wife allowed us to be alone.

I think if you want this to work as a relationship, you will have to stop thinking of yourselves as a couple plus one, where the couple makes all the rules. That sounds very swingerish.

There are three individuals involved here, and four relationships: you and your wife, your wife and your girlfriend, your girlfriend and you, and all three of you together. Are you saying you are not sure how to talk to your wife about wanting more alone time with the girlfriend? You all need to sit down and discuss what each of you want. Be clear and honest about it, and sensitive to each other's feelings. Remember that there are three whole people here, not a unit of two and an additional one.

NeonKaos 09-27-2011 05:07 PM

Ya, and remember this isn't a trial or an inquisition. You are supposedly three people who care for and want the best for each other. There is no use for fear here.

SourGirl 09-27-2011 07:13 PM

Congrats. This is a rare and awesome thing. Poly developing naturally.

In my odd, little brain, this is the mannor in which poly is served best. :)


So,..if it`s not broke, don`t fix it. Keep developing naturally and letting things go as they have gone. You should probably be giving US advice. :p

Be honest with yourselves and each other, and please don`t get caught up in the 'How it should be done'. You`ve already accomplished the near impossible, so you already have success doing something right.

Check in with each other regarding wants or needs ( dates) and see how things go.

Congrats and good luck.

Magdlyn 09-29-2011 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by btowntriad (Post 103944)
Not sure if this is the correct forum for this, but I need some help/advice regarding our situation. My wife and I have recently entered into a relationship with our girlfriend. When I say relationship, I mean we have progressed things along to where I feel like she is not just our unicorn any longer.

A little history of our relationship........my wife and I have been married for going on 17 years. We've known our girlfriend for about five or six years now. She was a friend of some friends and we now realize there's been an attraction between the three of us since day one. We've never really done much together other than an occasional drink here and there and maybe some emails, etc. She has always had her own life. Being a divorced mother of one, she's had a difficult time with the dating scene and has been burned several times but guys just looking for you know what.

I cannot speak for my wife, but I certainely have developed intense feeling for our girlfriend. Perhaps it is because it's something new and exciting, but I just don't feel that's the reason. I feel like I genuinely care for and love her. When she has to leave, I miss her. If we don't see her daily, I can't stand it.

Oops. You said "we" when you meant "I," even when you said you can't speak for your wife! ;) "When I don't see her daily, I can't stand it." Saying "we feel this... we feel that," is from the mono mindset. What you do, as an individual, feel and want?

What does your wife feel and want? What does the GF feel and want? Start thinking of her an an autonomous person, not as a shared gf. Maybe giving her a nickname or using an initial here for both women would help. Not "my wife," "our gf." Individuals with unique feelings and needs.

Quote:

Just this past weekend, I allowed the two of them to be alone together and afterwards, my wife allowed us to be alone. It was such a loving experience and to be honest, this isn't really all about sex, it's more emotional.

I really want to take this to another level to where our girlfriend and I can maybe go out on a date and likewise - they could too. I just don't know how to voice my feelings that I feel like there's a lot more to this than having a unicorn. I really don't feel like it's all about sex - I would perfectly happy laying in bed just holding each other!
Surely if you, your wife, and the gf have been friends for years, there is more to this than sex. You liked her before the sex started, and you still enjoy her company in the non-sexual realm. Dating her individually just seems to make sense to me.

When did you and yr wife start shagging Madame X? How did you all manage to make that work in the first place?

maxnsue 08-18-2014 04:25 AM

In the fifth year of our marriage, now on year 45, my wife invited her best girlfriend into our bed. That began a 38 year sexual and emotional relationship with her. For the first ten years, we limited sex to only when we had threesomes. The girls never had sex with each other, without me there, even if just to watch. When asked, they just said it was no fun without me but I think that meant that they felt uncomfortable without a man present because back in the old days, even the gay/lesbian community did not accept bisexual as a sexual preference. If you had sex with a woman, you were a lesbian and my two ladies were not lesbians so they were not comfortable having sex without a male involved somehow. You had to be there. :)

At about year 11 my wife started telling her girlfriend to have sex without her if she was not in the mood or we had a lot of sex together prior to our girlfriend's visit. However, we normally would give my wife a quick orgasm if she wanted one and then spend the rest of the evening having sex while my wife cooked us dinner. My wife was the domesticated one in the relationship while our g/f was dominant and never cooked or cleaned. She expected to be served and my wife would make her bed each morning and turn now the sheets at night. My wife would also do her girlfriend's laundry and I supported our g/f when we was living with us.

Both my wife and I dated our girlfriend individually but we all liked to go clubbing together and make a big show of the fact that the girls were sexually active with each other and with me. It was a time when society was not accepting of alternate lifestyles so we sort of gave them the finger in our own way. My ladies were called whores by some and just smiled at the nasty looks they got from other women. I mostly got the thumbs up or winks from the guys. I would buy them sexy clothes, favoring all leather outfits and we would hire a limo and hit a few private clubs that I belonged to.

None of us had any jealousy at all. I could have sex with whomever I wanted to with or without my wife. My wife was free to have sex with anyone, male or female but after trying another male she said that she only wanted me and her girlfriend so that is how it stayed for many years. For this to work you all need to not be the jealous type. Jealousy is a very powerful emotion that will often pop out even if you say that it will not. Just take it slow like we did. Once my wife was comfortable that I was never going to leave her, even if she wanted me to, she was fine with whatever went on with her g/f. :)


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