Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Wasting My Time.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15019)

jokutus 09-26-2011 04:40 PM

Wasting My Time..
Hey Guys,

I dont want to do a "poor me" post but I am sad, pissy and all around miserable. I'm tired of being rejected once ppl find out I'm married. I'm tired of the fucking double standard there is between poly males and poly females. I'm frustrated that I have wasted the last 2 years looking only to get rejected time and time again. I'm tired of being the odd one out when my poly family gets together with their primaries and secondaries. It sucks being the 5th wheel, and not one of my friends gets it. I feel like opening up our relationship was a huge mistake, and now I have to suffer for that decision. I hate being told "you'll find someone, etc" when it is apparent I cant. What the fuck is wrong with me?!??! Why cant I find happiness? I'm really miserable and angry. On one hand, I want to ditch all my friends, my wife and move. On the other hand I want to stop telling people I'm poly all together. I cant see me doing that though, because I loathe liers.

Im at a breaking point, where I regret this decision. My wife doesnt understand. I just want to stop being miserable.

Sorry, but I had to get that off my chest

TruckerPete 09-26-2011 04:59 PM

You have a lot of anger/frustration/hurt going on here. It might be worth considering that potential matches are picking up on this and it's spooking them off. Coming across as angry and/or desperate will only hurt your cause.

Perhaps you might try having a trusted friend/partner/metamour proof any messages you're sending if you're dating online.

All that said, it sounds like you have some self work to do while waiting for the right (additional) person. It's not a contest, you're not a fifth wheel, and you need to be happy with yourself, partnered or not, before bringing someone else into a relationship. Don't define yourself by your relationships.

SourGirl 09-26-2011 05:08 PM

Well, nothing wrong with venting, and being pissed off.
I know I`m a fan. :cool:

Once you are done venting though, and settle down, it would probably help you to remind yourself of a couple of things.

There is no entitlement in getting partners. Regardless, we are monogamous, or open, or poly. It is not our right to have one.
I`d love to be a swedish swimsuit model, but I have not the body, nor am I swedish. I suppose I could be the centrefold for soviet housewife magazine though....if I tried really hard and was patient. :cool:
What is wrong with me ?????? nothing. I`m just not those things.

Also,..it is a grey area, but really, there is NO double standard. To say so, is to imply that this has been applied, when what you are really dealing with is the general populations personal principles for themselves, not so much principles set on others.
Women aren`t going out of their way to force you not to be polyamorous.
They are making the decisions they want for their own life. Most women want to have one partner.
Odds are women who do not want a polyamorous man, are also going to coach friends and family against such things too. They aren`t saying its ok for women to do it, and not men. They are not saying it`s ok for rich people and not poor people. Etc, etc,.

Why the fuck aren`t you happy already ? really. It sounds cliche, but if you aren`t currently happy, don`t expect to attract all kinds of women.

You want to 'ditch' your friends and wife ???? Wtf is that ? What kind of place is your head in, that this even makes sense ? ' Hi, I am a poly male and would like other relationships. If I don`t get what I want, I`ll fantasize about having a temper-tantrum, where I ditch my wife because I am jealous she is getting dates and not me.'

I really hope during your rant you forgot to explain those things in details that would help make sense.

I understand most of this comes from the pain you feel, but the more your pain snowballs and creates this type of thinking, the LESS likely anyone will give you the time of day.

NeonKaos 09-26-2011 06:40 PM

If it makes you feel any better, i've been turned down by men who "don't believe in" non- monogamy, but i still feel good about myself. Even if you were to start a second relationship there is no guarantee it would work out, for reasons that have nothing to do with non-monogamy. So take it easy on yourself.

To add to what SG said, if you're seriously thinking about running away from your life, then maybe that IS what you need to do. Start over again with a fresh slate, but remember said fresh slate is within you, not for other people to determine.

AnnabelMore 09-26-2011 08:23 PM

Ok, seriously, what is up with this "what's in it for me" attitude??? What if your wife got a new job she absolutely adored but that kept her extra busy? Would there be anything directly in it for you (let's say it paid no more than her old job)? No, not directly. Would that make it bad? NO! Would you have a right to be happy for her until you realized your own job search wasn't going so hot and then switch to resenting her, as if it's her fault? No!

If the time and energy your wife is spending on poly is having a negative impact on your relationship, then work on that. But if this is just an issue of envying her, dude, get some perspective. It can be hard to date as a guy, it's almost always harder than it is for women in some ways. And yes, poly can make it more difficult. So what, do you wanna give up the (presumably) great woman you already do have because that might make it easier for you to play the field? If so, what makes you different from any other man who wants variety but can't get it within his marriage? Does having the option but still not getting any make it somehow much worse than it would be otherwise? Does your wife's freedom somehow "rub it in your face"?

Work on yourself, work on your marriage, find a better dating scene, find happiness without dating, but for god's sake get over your sour grapes and your sense of entitlement.

redpepper 09-26-2011 09:00 PM

Great posts here.

My way of doing things is that if something isn't working and I am banging my head on doors that won't open then they are the wrong doors. Time to shake it off, stand tall, look around and see what doors are bursting to open that you never thought of I think. I don't even mean in terms of partner potential necessarily. I mean in your life as a whole.

jokutus 09-26-2011 09:36 PM

Im sorry to waste everyones time, but I was ranting. Am I envious, yes. I admit it. Do I think this was a terrible idea - yes and no. Yes, because having constant rejection really crushes my sense of self / No because my wife is happy. I have had some really shitty events happen because of this change. But, I also realize the potential happiness it may bring.
I dont really care at this point, what will be will be.

River 09-26-2011 09:49 PM

For what it is worth, Jokutus, it was when I had quit searching for an additional love-partner that one magically fell into my world, amost as soon as I had quit the search. Cliche, I know. But that's how it happened.

I had not only quit the search, however. I also began giving to myself what I wanted and needed -- some new fresh loving.

I recommend giving up the longing and the search and giving yourself what you want and need in the way of some new, fresh loving. Then see what happens. Thing is, you really do have to give it up for the magic to work! You can't fool the gods, spirits, pixies, or whatever they are. They cannot be deceived.

dingedheart 09-27-2011 01:49 PM


what is the fucking double standard between poly males and poly females.?????

When you started down this road was there any time expectations?

Who's idea was this?

How could your wife not understand? Or what specifically doesn't she understand?

2 years is a very long time to be miserable..... I think you need to focus on the things and events that make you happy. Don't go to events or gathering that you end up feeling like the 5th wheel....focus on what makes you happy. The power of poly is not doing something you really don't want to do out of obligation....there always someone else they can ask....maybe several.

nycindie 09-27-2011 04:26 PM

It ain't a race or a competition, honey! Never mind about having the same as your wife -- you two are unique individuals and have your own pace, needs, and energies. Relationships will happen in their own time, when the stars are aligned correctly. Really! You can't force these things. Imagine how a potential girlfriend feels if they sense that you're just trying to keep up with your wife in having a certain number of lovers, or to look good in your local poly community. Ick. If I sense (and you do know how intuitive women are, right?) that there's a frantic need to have me as some sort of possession, accomplishment, or trophy, I'm outta there. In fact, there was an element of that in a relationship I started with a married newly-poly guy this past spring. When I realized he felt like he had to find a girlfriend just because his wife had a boyfriend, it was a huge red flag! I ended it. He needed to get his head screwed on straight and resolve his issues about wanting his wife's time, feeling left behind, etc. Personally, I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me because they think I'm awesome and they can't wait to see me again, not 'cause they're having a tantrum about not having as many toys as the other kids.

Stop trying so hard. Be your own primary and become the best YOU you can be. Find your happiness within yourself. That's what will attract all kinds of wonderful things and people to you. It's an inside job.

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:34 AM.