Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Poly --What?! There's a name for this?! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14990)

CareBear 09-25-2011 11:00 PM

Poly --What?! There's a name for this?!
 
Hello everyone!
I'm new to the forum (as you could probably tell, since I'm introducing myself).
I'm a 27 year old woman, married to my hubby since '08, but we've been together for over 10 years now.
I'm bisexual and have always thought about bringing other women into our relationship, but never knew there was a term for that.

Our poly journey began about 8 years ago, when we spontaneously had a 4-some with some of my female friends on New Years Eve.
After sobering up, taking a few days to think about everything that had happened, and discussing, we decided that we had a lot of fun and wanted to see if it would be as much fun sober and coherent.
We ended up having another "experience" with a different friend of mine, and again, it was a lot of fun (more-so while sober).
Eventually, after MUCH discussion (and a little time), we decided that our relationship might have a better dynamic if we were to include another woman in our relationship as an equal partner.
I began doing some researched and found that there was actually a word for this -- Polyamory.
What I liked most about Polyamory is that it can be dynamic; it is not the same for every person who lives it, which is why I thought it would work out so well for us.
Another (different) friend of mine decided she wanted to join us in our relationship, and it went very well for awhile; we were all very close friends, loved each other, and really just enjoyed having that closer relationship.

Eventually, she found a man she decided she wanted to be with in a monogamous relationship, and we were quite devastated. It was hard to try and not be heartbroken, because this is someone we trusted very much, and she essentially cheated and left.
Needless to say, we needed some time to recover from the heartbreak and decided to just be with each other for the time being.

About a year ago, we decided we wanted to try again and find someone we could both be with. Obviously, it's very difficult to find a single woman who wants to join a relationship that's already established (a unicorn), so we're currently still searching for someone.

I joined this site for support from other poly people and I'm very happy to be here :)

Anywhoo, sorry for the uuber long introduction and I can't wait to join in all of the conversations! :D

miltownkid 09-26-2011 01:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CareBear (Post 103720)
Hello everyone!
Anywhoo, sorry for the uuber long introduction and I can't wait to join in all of the conversations! :D

Uber long introductions are the best introductions. :) Welcome aboard! (From one forum newbie to another.)

Magdlyn 09-26-2011 12:29 PM

Hi Carebear, welcome to the board.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CareBear (Post 103720)

Eventually, after MUCH discussion (and a little time), we decided that our relationship might have a better dynamic if we were to include another woman in our relationship as an equal partner.
I began doing some researched and found that there was actually a word for this -- Polyamory.

Actually, triads are a rare aspect of polyamory, for many reasons. Most poly people date/form relationships one on one.

Quote:

What I liked most about Polyamory is that it can be dynamic; it is not the same for every person who lives it, which is why I thought it would work out so well for us.
Another (different) friend of mine decided she wanted to join us in our relationship, and it went very well for awhile; we were all very close friends, loved each other, and really just enjoyed having that closer relationship.

Eventually, she found a man she decided she wanted to be with in a monogamous relationship, and we were quite devastated. It was hard to try and not be heartbroken, because this is someone we trusted very much, and she essentially cheated and left.
And this is a common reason triads are rare. Most unicorns end up wanting something they can call their own, a partner they aren't expected to share every time they have sex, marriage, kids, etc.

Coming into an established couple as a third is HARD.

Quote:

About a year ago, we decided we wanted to try again and find someone we could both be with. Obviously, it's very difficult to find a single woman who wants to join a relationship that's already established (a unicorn), so we're currently still searching for someone.

NeonKaos 09-26-2011 03:02 PM

My advice to couples seeking a "third" is still the same:

Try dropping the "we, we, we" and start using more "I, you, me".

Wow. I rhyme again.

CareBear 09-26-2011 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 103804)
Hi Carebear, welcome to the board.



Actually, triads are a rare aspect of polyamory, for many reasons. Most poly people date/form relationships one on one.



And this is a common reason triads are rare. Most unicorns end up wanting something they can call their own, a partner they aren't expected to share every time they have sex, marriage, kids, etc.

Coming into an established couple as a third is HARD.

Yeah, I totally understand that it's hard, which is why I'm willing and able to be so patient in finding the right person, not just any girl willing to jump in bed with me, lol.

Hmm...I'm not really the type of woman who expects to jump into bed with my other partners if they're going to be intimate or have sex. I'm very comfortable with letting each person have their own intimacy with each other, as well as having the triad.
I know I would want some of my own personal time with my girlfriend, and I would expect that my girlfriend and my hubby would want their own time together, as well.

As for using "I", "Me", instead of "we"....I do try to do that, but it can be hard to have it make sense in the written form, lol. The "girlfriend" would be both mine and my husbands, but we both would each be her significant other as well.
I hope that made sense. I think it makes more sense as I think about it, than I can make it sound written down.

INo 09-26-2011 11:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CareBear (Post 103838)
Yeah, I totally understand that it's hard, which is why I'm willing and able to be so patient in finding the right person, not just any girl willing to jump in bed with me, lol.

Hmm...I'm not really the type of woman who expects to jump into bed with my other partners if they're going to be intimate or have sex. I'm very comfortable with letting each person have their own intimacy with each other, as well as having the triad.
I know I would want some of my own personal time with my girlfriend, and I would expect that my girlfriend and my hubby would want their own time together, as well.

As for using "I", "Me", instead of "we"....I do try to do that, but it can be hard to have it make sense in the written form, lol. The "girlfriend" would be both mine and my husbands, but we both would each be her significant other as well.
I hope that made sense. I think it makes more sense as I think about it, than I can make it sound written down.

Best advice I can give you is to just take your time.

kirsten 10-04-2011 05:42 PM

I'm also new to this forum, semi-new to poly. I'm in a triad with a married couple (long distance for now) but it didn't begin that way. First, my husband found a girlfriend. She flew out to meet us and she and I fell hard for each other. My marriage ended a few months later--which sounds terrible but in my case it was a really good thing. Having a gf who could provide an outside perspective helped me realize my marriage was emotionally abusive.

My gf has been married 15 years and I slowly got to know her husband. He is very introverted so it took some time. there was never any expectation of me having a relationship with him, and yet he was ready to accept me into his house because his wife's feelings for me were so strong. He was so happy for her to have found me (she has wanted a female partner for a long time). Very recently he and I started to be romantically involved.

For me it was so important that there were no expectations, no pressure from this couple. If it happened, it happened. And if not that was fine. Even now, there isn't an expectation that I will have equal, identical relationships with them both. Although it's important for me to see through my NRE and give time to my gf too.

Anyway, just thought I'd share my perspective. Nice to meet you!


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:13 AM.