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-   -   How Do I Stop this Unhealthy Behavior? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14941)

Tinyblu 09-25-2011 02:02 AM

How Do I Stop this Unhealthy Behavior?
...of comparing myself to the other women.

Now that we have eliminated DADT, I've found myself highlighting all the good things about the other women and not feeling very good about myself. I'm thinking... "He's with me because...."

Is this common or am I just being a baby (again)?

ray 09-25-2011 02:15 AM

I think it's pretty normal to have insecurities. It's good to acknowledge them. Maybe you and he can talk about some of the good things about you and your relationship? Sometimes, if you can focus your energies elsewhere, you might not end up dwelling on the comparisons. Ultimately, he probably doesn't like any of you because one of you is better. You're all different and I bet there are unique things in each relationship that he values.

NeonKaos 09-25-2011 02:25 AM

Do you have a lot of extra time on your hands? If you do, you should join a roller derby league. That will fix you.

nycindie 09-25-2011 05:30 AM


Originally Posted by Tinyblu (Post 103568)
. . . I've found myself highlighting all the good things about the other women and not feeling very good about myself. I'm thinking... "He's with me because...."

Well, you can always just ask him what he likes about you, why he sees you as compatible, how he feels when he's with you, etc.

No one ever wins at the compare game. There will always be someone else who has attributes we don't have, we wish we had, or whatever. So, while it's not a bad idea to take stock of your gifts and acknowledge what you've got going for you, don't give in to comparing. When you catch yourself following that train of thought, just stop it! (You know, like how Cesar Millan - the Dog Whisperer - diverts a dog's attention from a bad habit with a sharp noise or a nudge) Occupy yourself with other more practical activities, pay your bills, call a friend, go shopping, hit the museums and look at some art, exercise, whatever. Just don't give in to comparing, because it's always a losing proposition.

I think when someone comes into poly from a strongly monogamous mindset, we will tend to automatically think in terms of comparison. But the assumption that a partner will view some of his or her sweeties as better than the others, or that there's a "best," or that it's a competition is more mono than poly. People who want and can have multiple relationships see many different things they find appealing about various partners and can appreciate those differences. So, it's not about choosing a best one and setting others aside; it's about enjoying everyone for all their differences (or similarities!).

clairegoad 09-25-2011 10:49 AM

It's helped me understand comparisons by having two lovers...

I love them both, and they are very different.

One is not better than the other, they are just different. Male/Female, Muscular/Curvy, Punny/Snarky, Each person is a wonderful package... yet very different. (and yes, there are similarities.. intelligence, acceptance, energy levels)

He's not dating her because he wants you to turn into her... but because she is different. And their relationship is different.

RE: Stopping a thought... when I've realized I'm focused on something negative, I'll start wearing a rubber band on my wrist. Then when I think about the negative (i.e. work during the weekend, or an ex-boyfriend's latest troll) I'll snap the rubber band. It gets my attention, focuses me on the pain of the NOW...

quietstormn 09-29-2011 08:21 PM


Gypsystarrs 09-30-2011 08:00 AM

I am so totally getting a rubber-band.

AnnabelMore 09-30-2011 03:50 PM

I'm working on a very different set of unhealthy patterns, but I've recently picked up a technique that's working for me. When I'm tempted to slip into the behaviors I'm trying to break, I imagine Dr. Cox from the TV show Scrubs ranting at me derisively the way he does to JD when JD's done or is about to do something dumb. I love the Dr. Cox character and he's SO good at being an asshole, that like JD in the first few seasons I just wanna scramble to please him.

Your mileage may vary on that one...

NeonKaos 09-30-2011 04:08 PM

When I find myself in an "unhealthy" behaviour pattern I think about what I would say to someone if they came on this forum and asked what they should do in the same situation.

This is why you don't see me bitching and moaning about my life.

MichelleZed 10-02-2011 12:24 AM

Lol! I love Dr. Cox.

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