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-   -   Am I wrong on this issue? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=149)

Futants 04-10-2009 05:22 AM

Am I wrong on this issue?
unusual story even for poly couples, but here goes//....

I'm a 28 year old male that's been in a relationship w/ a 22 yr old college student female. We both agreed from the beginning that we were to have an open relationship for numerous reasons, one being she didn't want to feel deprived of sexual experiences in her youth and neither of us wants control and jealousy.....

I invited her to live with me 2 1/2 years ago because it was practical and I thought it would draw us closer together.......we have had our issues and her constant scattered thought process, anxiety over school/us and her future, the occasional moody tantrum, fear of that she can't handle relationships( which plenty of times results in her having a talk w/ me about potentially just being friends......this happens all too often though)

her ambivilance confuses me because most of the time she and I are extremely loveable, but when I hint that she may have a light form of bipolar disorder ( which her mother has a terrible form of along w/ schizophrenia), she gets defensive and doubtful w/ me.

I've been the biggest and virtually only form of major love and support for her away from her parents and in a foreign state

To add a twist to this, she and I have never been able to have actual sex because she, for 3 years made up excuses or wasn't motivated to get surgery for a vaginal blockage she has (a very thick hymenal wall )......

this is where the big recent issue gets worse.....

She recently has been hanging out with and slept over a guys house last week on campus that she says she's known for 3 years. She fooled around with him that night, and when I hadn;t seen her for a few nights this week and expected her home waiting for me, she was at this guys apartment "just playing poker and drinking a beer".

This is all fine and well except for one major thing

her and I haven't been sexually intimate in months!

not only this, but last week ( could've been the day after she screwed around w/ this other guy, don't remember) she had the most enthusiasm and motivations to look into the vaginal surgery and actually make an appointment........more initiative than she had before she was close to or actually did things with the other guy.

lastly she claims that " she thought it would spice things up between the two of us".......and I;m like "wtf? that doesn't even make sense, and looks like a lame form of an excuse or to make it look any less screwed up.

she was also confused and aggravated with me when I claimed that "You managed to cheat in an open relationship" and she disagrees.

am I wrong on being hurt over these things?

How could someone do something so screwed up and unethical even in an open relationship and yet not realize it?

AutumnalTone 04-10-2009 01:04 PM

To be perfectly frank, what you've described doesn't sound like a viable relationship at all. First, if she's not medicated and is bipolar, she's not in shape for one (having been involved with bipolar women, I can say that without meds they're in no good for relationships). That she has no sexual interest in you is apparent by her unwillingness to schedule surgery (for years!) to make it possible. And that she's not been willing to commit to a relationship for years also indicates she's not interested in one with you (and, yes, poly folk commit themselves to relationships).

The repeated "we should just be friends" is more than a subtle clue as to what's going on. She's not interested in you as a serious partner. You're just a roommate she spends time with because she hasn't had any serious romantic relationships.

So, are you wrong for being hurt? No. It's always painful to find out that somebody we're highly attracted to isn't attracted to us in the same fashion. I think the only wrong thing you could do is try to maintain a relationship that's never really gone anywhere. Being poly isn't a method to allow you to hang on to a partner who isn't really interested; the need for serious attachment is as strong in poly ties as mono ties.

Funk2Lopez 04-12-2009 04:48 AM

I really agree with what SeventhCrow said. It really does sound like she is not romantically interested in a long term relationship with you. If she is a good friend then you can work on that relationship, but I would say the romantic relationship is nonexistent.

Futants 04-17-2009 07:37 PM

apparently it just gets better

last week I broke up with her because not 3 days after the fact and me having a crying bout in the morning, she asks me if she could go party w/ this kid and a few other people, and also sleep over his house.

to me that was a stupid, selfish and insensitive thing to ask me so soon........I also questioned why she would have a drive to do such a thing so soon.

NOW we are back together, but last night she bought some KY ( which she never bought for us) and finally admitted to me this morning that she had intentions of screwing this other guy. My reaction was a normal and hurt reaction to this connected to the logic " she's made me wait 3 years and yet she has more sexual drive and wants to screw this kid first?"

She explains it as part " I don't understand what's wrong with it" or " it's not like I....." or " because I don't want to be expected to give up my virginity to you" or " why are you seeing it like that?

any way you cut it, it's completely fcked up, selfish and cruel, yet she doesn't agree w/ me that any psychiatrist and many other people would agree. She also thinks being in an open relationship means something like this can slide and she can do whatever the hell she wants as long as she's honest.

She however hasn't been completely honest with me and danced around certain things. When I would bring these aspects up she says "well I thought it was pretty clear" or "implied"

Funk2Lopez 04-18-2009 08:26 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this. I still think you need to weigh the pro and con of being with her. From what you've posted you maybe should have stayed broken up with her and moved on. Is this situation really emotionally and mentally good for your well being? I know I don't know all the facts but you do and you need to make the best choice for you, because she doesn't seem to be as concerned about your needs, wants, feelings than she is about her NRE with that guy and her lust for him.

But again all I've said is based entirely on what you've posted and only you, and trained professionals, know what is right for you.

AutumnalTone 04-21-2009 10:03 PM

It appears to me that she's just using you for a place to live and company for when she's lonely. I'll suggest you exit the toxic relationship and get a bit of counseling, as it appears you have codependency issues that would keep you in such a dysfunctional relationship as long as you've been in it.

CDarklock 04-24-2009 05:24 PM

I apologise if this seems insensitive, but think about this from her perspective.

You gave her a place to live and a companion that didn't expect sex. That's great, for her. What is it for you?

What kind of man does this?

If it were me, I'd think it was a weak-willed and desperate man that I could string along as long as I wanted, without any real commitment or obligation. It sounds like you've given her everything she wanted, and gotten nothing in return. Why are you in this relationship? Because the obvious answer would be that you think this is the best you can do.

People tend to deliver what you expect, because they think you will naturally and normally expect what you deserve. Expect nothing, you get nothing. I seriously doubt this relationship can be salvaged, so I concur with SeventhCrow: get out of it. She apparently has no respect for you.

Senga 01-26-2011 12:21 AM

Your needs are being ignored, & you are being taken for granted. Im a girl, trust me when I say, she knows whats going on, shes just being lazy & selfish in ur "relationship" bc you will be there to lean on. I understand that you care for her & I believe when you explain that she probably does not realize how hurtful she is being to you. However, she is not going to change or realize how hurtful those actions are until you stop coddling her. Now you have vented, what are you going to do about it? Good luck sweety

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