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-   -   He's Giving Me Control????? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14885)

Tinyblu 09-23-2011 01:27 PM

He's Giving Me Control?????
 
...and I don't know what to do with it!!!

OK.... so after my irrational last outburst with my BF (I think I may be comfortable calling him that--that's what he called himself), we went back to the drawing board and created new boundaries and started from scratch.

We're all about disclosure now since I was driving myself crazy with a DADT policy (sidenote: we're seeing my GF next weekend TOGETHER and we have decided to tell him the full extent of our relationship face to face), and he just told me I could "set the rules" with this upcoming trip.

He told me he was leaving it up to me as to how much time we would all spend together, sleeping arrangements, etc.:eek::eek::eek:

Prepare to throw stones at me, but I'm nervous to disclose what I want (maybe it's the southern in me). Even though he's said he would be OK with whatever boundaries I set, I'm afraid I'll state them and he will think their too strict or I'm being too selfish. Then, on the other hand, I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel unwanted... pretty silly, huh?

So, here's the deal... we are flying to where she lives, and I haven't seen my BF in over a month, so I REALLY want some alone time with him. I was thinking that maybe he and I could spend the first night and following day together on our own then go out with her the second night and have our little rendezvous, but after that, I want her to go home. Is that bad?

We've been in situtations in the past that (for lack of a better term),when he's done with her, he sends her on her merry way, and she seems to be OK with that, but it just feels... odd that he's letting me call the shots.

Any input guys?

Ilove2men 09-23-2011 03:37 PM

Sounds to me that you need input from your girlfriend. What does she want? He gave you control over you guys side of things, not hers so she needs to have a say in this. After all you are going to her city.

AnnabelMore 09-23-2011 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilove2men (Post 103447)
Sounds to me that you need input from your girlfriend. What does she want? He gave you control over you guys side of things, not hers so she needs to have a say in this. After all you are going to her city.

Excellent point! Handling the needs of multiple people takes all three of these things: honesty, sensitivity and negotiation. Maybe you could call or email her, tell her that bf has asked what you'd like for the trip and you've got some ideas, but you wanna see what she thinks and just go from there. If your vision is flexible and you're prepared to prioritize her needs, maybe let her make the first proposal and go from there. On the other hand, if your vision really reflects your needs and deviating from it would hurt you, maybe you should lay out your thoughts first and let her respond.

But either way, if she's an important person to either or both of you guys, she should get a chance to give input.

And congrats on the progress you guys are making in terms of healthy boundaries, trust, and honesty all around! :)


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