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-   -   feeling like a peacemaker - being the V in an FFM relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14782)

disarmlow 09-21-2011 01:45 PM

feeling like a peacemaker - being the V in an FFM relationship
 
So I've been the V for a little over a year now in my FFM relationship. I was with my boyfriend for four years before we decided to add another to the relationship and not just the bedroom. We had been experimenting with other girls for a couple of years when we met one that just clicked with us.

One year later I feel as if I am constantly the peacemaker. Josh and Niki fight CONSTANTLY. They are always arguing...he feels as if she is overemotional and she feels like he's insensitive. Both of these things are true but it seems like I can deal with both of them better than they can deal with each other. My relationship with Niki is fairly sound and my relationship with Josh is solid but their relationship with each other is disintegrating very quickly.

I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it. I don't want to lose either of them. What can I do to make things better? And if they do end up ending their relationship, I don't know if I can continue on seeing them both. It makes me very nervous.

AnnabelMore 09-21-2011 02:08 PM

Yikes. :( You can't force them to get along, there's just no way. In fact, feeling like they're forced to be in a relationship that's not working for them may be a major source of the tension. Why can't you date them each separately? Triads seem much less workable a lotta the time than vee's.

This may be a matter of needing to sit down all three of you for a major heart to heart, everything on the table but with some ground rules for communication to keep it from deteriorating into another one of their fights... and with the understanding at the outset (don't want to spring anything on anyone) that things aren't working as is, and that it's time for a radical rethinking of how y'all relate to each other. What is strong and should be built up? What is not working and should be let go? Change is not the same as failure and is probably exactly what is needed.

AnnabelMore 09-21-2011 02:12 PM

The tricky thing... you can't let it feel like two against one, like you and your bf have already decided on this plan and now she's forced to go along. You'd need to talk to each of them about it separately first and really get them on board.

If they do want to stay together, this may be the thing that spurs them to work on a healthier relationship. And if they don't, then it just has to end before things get more toxic.

NeonKaos 09-21-2011 02:14 PM

If "Josh" and "Niki" are their real names, I recommend you edit your post and give them nicknames. Many people come on here and give personal details and then freak out when they realize this site is Google-friendly and anyone can read it.

You have 12 hours to edit your posts.

redpepper 09-21-2011 02:33 PM

It sounds like they are not able to communicate very well if they are telling each other they think each other is one thing or another. Very shabby way of communicating. They might want to find some different ways.

The issue is about you though and really you just have to stay out of it I think. Its not your business. It looks like there might be a vee happening in the future. Not unusal really, but if I were you I would prepare for being asked to quit along with them as that is likely what will come up if they split.

AutumnalTone 09-22-2011 03:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by disarmlow (Post 103136)
So I've been the V for a little over a year now in my FFM relationship.
<snip>
My relationship with Niki is fairly sound and my relationship with Josh is solid but their relationship with each other is disintegrating very quickly.

OK, I'm going to guess that the three of you have a triad. You are involved with each of them and they're involved with each other, correct? That's a triad.

If their relationship with each other breaks down, then you can end up with a vee, and you would be the hinge. That is, you would be involved with each of them and they would not be involved with each other.

Now, as to what you can do about their problems, the answer is "nothing." Their relationship is, ultimately, their responsibility. You can offer to assist in talking things out and providing your viewpoint for them to consider, certainly. Beyond that, if they aren't compatible, they aren't compatible--and they're the people who have to figure out if they are or not.


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