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-   -   The Polyamorous Dating Scene (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14656)

seysccouple 09-17-2011 09:08 PM

The Polyamorous Dating Scene
Even though we are new to the poly lifestyle we are not new to the swingers lifestyle. We own a swingers website and the M half of the couple here is a Website Designer / Programmer.

We have noticed that there really isn't any quality websites for couples and singles to find other polyamorous couples and singles. We have been thinking about building a dating / social networking site dedicated to the polyamorous lifestyle.

If you have any experience with any of the current sites on the Internet today please tell us your thoughts. If you have any site ideas, let me know and I will keep the notes as reference.

Let us know what you think...

AutumnalTone 09-18-2011 09:55 AM

There are several sites that have been built specifically for poly personals and none of them seem to have gained any traction. Could be bad design, could be bad marketing-- I suspect it actually has to do with low numbers.

OKCupid does well because of the sheer number of members. As the polyfolk are treated the same as the monofolk and come up in searches, more people get made aware of polyamory and some are curious enough to explore it. That greatly increases the pool of potential partners well beyond having a site where all of the people who join are already poly.

So if you're going to build a dating site for polyfolk, it's likely best to include monofolk and keep them all jostling up against each other. You'll have to figure out how to stand out in the crowd of mainstream dating sites, though, and how to market effectively to build general membership.

JuliaGay 09-18-2011 06:23 PM

There's always space for new social networking and dating sites. But I'm pretty happy with PolyMatchMaker.com as a dating site. I've found a couple of partners that way. Have you taken a look at it?


nycindie 09-18-2011 07:33 PM

I think also, if you want to build a dating site for poly peeps, you have to stop thinking of poly as a specific lifestyle. I know you are probably bringing your swinger mindset into this idea, where it is considered a lifestyle, but there are so many ways to live polyamorously that it would be very limiting to think of it as one lifestyle or for only certain kinds of people. Besides, tons of people who have never even heard of the word polyamory engage in non-exclusive relationships. They shouldn't have to feel like they're subscribing to a certain lifestyle to be ethically non-monogamous.

I have found that OKCupid works really well for me. It's full of poly people, but I don't even call myself poly on my profile for them to find me. And most of the non-poly folks there that I've met are either cool with non-monogamy or have heard of poly. Polymatchmaker hasn't been a success for me, just basically because there are so few poly guys on there whom I find attractive and most NYC profiles, it seems (at least, last time I logged in), don't even have pictures. But I do check it every now and then.

I believe there are other threads here about starting new poly dating sites. Have you done a search?

Lane 09-18-2011 07:50 PM

I'll chime in and add another positive review of OKC. I've found a lot of poly minded folks in my new town and its been great for making some new friends. My partner has a lot of luck with it too it seems.
While there are some obnoxious guys on the site, I've been very pleasantly surprised with the amount of genuinely cool people.

seysccouple 09-18-2011 11:33 PM

Thank everyone for posting your responses so far. All of your thoughts is welcomed. I guess since we have been swingers for so long and know so little of the polyamory that we just considered it a lifestyle too.

We have joined okcupid.com today and we are finding it to be a good site. We do not have anything in our profile about polyamory in it but we did say in the profile that we are a couple and we are also swingers and we are looking to expand our relationship and find a single female.

River 09-19-2011 12:06 AM


Originally Posted by seysccouple (Post 102621)
We have been thinking about building a dating / social networking site dedicated to the polyamorous lifestyle.

Consider dropping the use of the term "lifestyle" about poly folk. Many or most poly folk take exception to the notion that polyamory is a "lifestyle," insisting that poly folk have mostly just one thing in common with other poly folk, being their ability and willingness to love multiple people simultaneously (& ethically, honestly). A 'lifestyle", they will say, suggests a broader range of similarities.

Lane 09-19-2011 12:53 AM


Originally Posted by seysccouple (Post 102734)
We do not have anything in our profile about polyamory

Depending on where you live, if you are looking for poly people you probably don't need to do this. At least in Philly there are quite a few people with it stated in their profile. I have it all over mine so that anyone interested knows what they are stepping into (very happily partnered). But I suppose you went about that a different way, stating exactly what you want (swingers & etc), which is the most important thing.

redpepper 09-19-2011 08:50 PM

To me there is a range of poly people. Some use poly as a "lifestyle" between one monogamous relationship and the next as a way to describe themselves and their dating life in terms of being open about who they are seeing. Some use "lifestyle" as a way to describe their sex life as they have partners but engage in a "swinging" style sex life of sleeping with friends or going to poly sex parties that are less couple-centric and hetro-centric than swingers parties.

People who identify with poly and don't consider it to be a "lifestyle" quite often identify with it as they would their sexuality; such as identifying as gay. That isn't a matter of its good for me right now, I could take it or leave it, I am waiting for "the one," I am at a stage in my life when... Its what they are born with.

Personally I don't mind the term lifestyle as long as these differences are clear to those that use the term. Often they aren't. I get uncomfortable with that, but really I just note it, educate on all the differences between types of poly, tell my story and about who I am (I am poly identified) and move on... Which is what I have done here :D

Good luck with your site. It sounds like you need to know a bit more about poly. Why not read here, do some tag searches and settle in for a bit.

nycindie 09-19-2011 10:47 PM

RP, I believe the comments to the OP regarding the use of the word "lifestyle" were directed toward this:

Originally Posted by seysccouple (Post 102621)
. . . we are new to the poly lifestyle . . . We have been thinking about building a dating / social networking site dedicated to the polyamorous lifestyle.

As has been discussed at length in the thread titled 'What is this "lifestyle" you mention?,' which I think makes for a good read, we were simply pointing out that there is no one specific poly lifestyle to adhere to. Swingers use the term "the Lifestyle" to describe a set of practices generally understood by other swingers. But poly is more fluid and "customizable" than that, so I think those of us who responded about that just wanted the OP to understand this point. Thinking there is a set kind of "poly lifestyle" could be a disaster, especially if they are thinking of developing a website in which they would likely sink some cash.

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