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-   -   The cultural difference between mono and poly. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14654)

redpepper 09-17-2011 08:39 PM

The cultural difference between mono and poly.
 
I wrote and took this from this thread and wanted to see if anyone wanted to discuss it further.

Quote:

I like to think of mono/poly as "cultural" or "religious" differences...for example, one person is from Britain and the other is from Brazil for an example. The British person lives in Brazil with her and has to figure out how to be in this "culture" that isn't your own.

It has helped me let go of "fixing" my relationship with Mono (my a die hard Monogamous boyfriend) and just living it as best we can from our own points of view. I spend more time being curious about his "culture" that way, rather than getting frustrated that he doesn't get it. I think this is useful in all relationships with anyone really. It takes away our natural desire to expect and assume I think.

I have come to see couples where one opens up to poly and the other doesn't as a "religious" difference of sorts (and for want of a better term) in that a person deciding to take on another religion after being in another religion their whole lives. Say one person is Christian, born and raised in the bible belt, married a Christian person and raised your kids that way... then discover Buddhism. BAM! Everything changes.... you know the story. We hear it here all the time. Imagine what that would feel like! There is common ground, but wading through the politics of both religions to get to that is hard work and along with that is a great deal of feelings of betrayal for the one who is still Christian.

Finding common ground and holding on to it for dear life (because you love each other so much) is all there is as far as I can see.

redpepper 09-17-2011 08:40 PM

[/QUOTE]
Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 101798)
The idea that reconciling poly vs. mono by thinking of them as two cultures needing understanding and curiosity about each other is a good one... to a point. I think it's pretty easy for someone who identifies as poly to think of it this way. The reality, however, is that if and when the poly person does find another potential partner, the mono person is generally going to feel threatened by the idea of "sharing" them. All intellectual understanding flies out the window when you're brokenhearted about your love having sex with someone else or falling in love with another. A monogamous person wants to be the only one in someone's heart and bed, plain and simple. It is contrary to everything monogamy has taught us to truly believe that if a loved one is involved with someone else, they won't leave us for them.

I think this might be part of what I am saying though... the "sharing" is a "cultural" difference. Maybe I am not understanding?:confused:

nycindie 09-18-2011 01:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 102617)
I think this might be part of what I am saying though... the "sharing" is a "cultural" difference. Maybe I am not understanding?:confused:

Hi RP. What you've quoted here, from my post in the other thread, wasn't really a challenge to what you had written. I was just using it as a jumping-off point to direct my comments to Somegeezer and the issues with which he was grappling.

nbennett 09-19-2011 03:54 AM

I think that the difference with culture or religion can really be pivotal most especially if you are in a relationship with the both from different and contrasting beliefs.

There should really be a common ground in which you both will agree to the situation. And unless you are able to do that successfully, you would be stuck with going around in circles trying to let the other see the same when he is just doing the same.

redpepper 09-19-2011 06:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nbennett (Post 102753)
There should really be a common ground in which you both will agree to the situation. And unless you are able to do that successfully, you would be stuck with going around in circles trying to let the other see the same when he is just doing the same.

Ha! I do go in circles. There is never a boundary with Mono it seems on some things, only compromises over and over again... but I have gotten used to that as do many couples that have cultural differences or religious differences. You either do, or you get out.

Somegeezer 09-19-2011 08:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 102765)
Ha! I do go in circles. There is never a boundary with Mono it seems on some things, only compromises over and over again... but I have gotten used to that as do many couples that have cultural differences or religious differences. You either do, or you get out.

I like the whole "get used to it, or get out" kinda mentality. To a point. I think you need wiggle room though. Zero tolerance helps nothing. But given time with each other, I think you should naturally just accept each other for what you each are. Hopefully. Those who don't, there's no point keeping yourself unhappy.


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