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-   -   List on how to communicate (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14649)

redpepper 09-17-2011 04:58 PM

List on how to communicate
 
I practice a lot of Non-Violent Communication in my life. For those of you that are not familiar.... do a tag search on "communication" and/or "nvc", I talk about it a lot here.

NVC is a communication technique created by Marshal Rosenberg... who wrote the book of the same title cnvc. Some like to call it "compassionate communication."

Empathy or compassion, to me, is the key to changing our world entirely. Marchall's communication technique would serve us well on that road... in my opinion.

So in the ten years of my marriage, starting with a course I took before I got married with my husband, I have come to see communication in a way that works for me. Its a personal take on Marshall's technique. (there is a list somewhere on here on his version of this....couldn't find it)


1. express my feelings without blaming, shaming, or expressing my assumptions
2. express my concerns as I see them from my point of view
3. request what I need to see change or what the person should be aware of letting them know what my expectations are
4. actively listen to what they say, thank them for their feed back and give it all a good think
5. repeat over and over until we are done in as much time as it takes.

I have learned to communicate (somewhat effectively) my concerns and feelings using "I" statements that do not insult, defame and offend. Its one thing to use an "I" statement, another to turn it around as a "you" statement ("I hate when you...."). This has become important because it really isn't effective communication if I don't own every little drop of what is going on for me, even if I really do have an assumption about what is going on for the person.

I remember that if I start this process, I have to be ready to finish it. Blurting out my feelings, or my concerns or my requests on their own is unfair to the person I am directing my energy to and I have found does not get to the root of the problem in order to go about making change.

We all want to feel comfortable, I need to respect that and make it as safe as possible for people to communicate with me back again. Otherwise shit hits the fan and everyone gets hurt. finish what I start is my motto.... that means I have to know what I am going to say before hand sometimes and should think very hard on how to empathize with the person I am speaking to before starting.

Bottom line for me is to be a good host in this process. I wrote a thread about that here explaining more.

So this has all come up in my life again.... it seems I am using this process and being a part of this process lately and I thought it might warrant discussing again.

neegoola 09-18-2011 07:35 AM

hi RD :)

i learnt a lot through sherry argov' book (the only one she wrote, i think) where the motto is:
"the high-quality woman knows what she wants and she acts in order to obtain it"; this, beside many other very good (in humouristic ways) imputs, drove me to a different way/kind of communication, for instance something like:
"the high-quality woman doesn't EXPLAIN why she's having problems in relating to a circumstance which involves her partner; she doesn't relete at all", sometimes there are some kind of silences which are far powerful than thousands of complaints about the "You" standying in front of "Her" (for the "you" standying there already knows).

thanks for sharing, i'm going to read links you put here :)

Lane 09-18-2011 07:42 PM

Hey there!
So this is something I have been trying to do when I am upset with my partner, but even though I think I understand the concept I apparently don't execute it well. Often when I think I am expressing myself clearly my partner says I am using "you" statements. I'm sure he's right, even though I'm trying not to. Can you give me some examples of "I" statements that aren't really "you" statements in disguise so I can have a pattern to use or something. I'm sure with some practice I can get better at this! Thanks!

nycindie 09-18-2011 08:01 PM

I think listening and being present are the most important elements of communication. So, I can't follow a communication "technique," since for me, it takes me out of the present moment to make sure I'm "doing it correctly." If I am present and simply paying attention to what's being said, really listening and not monitoring myself on how I'm doing, I can communicate what needs to be said effectively and compassionately.

NeonKaos 09-18-2011 08:04 PM

(Ivy League):
Regardless of how gently and/or effectively one communicates, good communication skills can never compensate for lack of merit in one's argument.


(Working class):
If you're full of shit, you're full of shit no matter how nice you are.

ImaginaryIllusion 09-18-2011 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lane (Post 102703)
Can you give me some examples of "I" statements that aren't really "you" statements in disguise so I can have a pattern to use or something.

Apparently sentences in the form of "I feel like you're being an asshole" do not qualify.

Derbylicious 09-18-2011 10:27 PM

http://www.psychpage.com/learning/li.../feelings.html

Here's a list of feeling words for you to practice with II :p

Lane 09-19-2011 12:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion (Post 102730)
Apparently sentences in the form of "I feel like you're being an asshole" do not qualify.

Ha ha Yeah... at least according to my partner :P

redpepper 09-19-2011 06:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by neegoola (Post 102650)
"the high-quality woman knows what she wants and she acts in order to obtain it"

*like* :)

neegoola 09-19-2011 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lane (Post 102703)
Can you give me some examples of "I" statements that aren't really "you" statements

well, i remeber an example that the Argov gives to a "wife":
he never puts new toilet paper in the bathroom: normally you find yourself in trouble because he finished it and never put/bought some new one.
it's sunday morning, no paper in the toilet; he goes in the toilet: ok, it's the right moment for you to take garbage out; then you stop chatting with the heighbour, you pass by in the garage which is so messy and maybe some music is on; you cannot hear that he's calling "daaaarling, what about toilet paper?". he'll have to face same trouble he's giving you since months.
next sunday (or whatever), again. :cool:
or: make so that, if your house allows this, you have one bathroom each: your white towel for visage will never be used again to check oil levels in the car engine.

he never cooks: feed him up with pop-corn.

well, this is about very practical subjects, but i find them interesting examples.


Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 102767)
*like* :)

i'd add: a woman who is happy with herself makes so that many things become easier. :)


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