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-   -   Poly my whole life ~ Now Struggling with fears & insecurities (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14626)

AuroraWD 09-16-2011 08:31 PM

Poly my whole life ~ Now Struggling with fears & insecurities
I feel strange, scared and so lost right now as I find myself reaching out to others in desperation for advice, help, support, thoughts... anything to help me get through this experience. I'm used to being the one giving the Poly advice, and on top of how painful and scary these experiences of jealousy, fear and insecurity are... the worst part is the confusion, guilt, and shame I'm feeling on top of it because this these negative feelings are so contrary to who I have always been and how I've lived my life.

I'm 35, a single mom, I've been Poly since my early 20's. Some of my relationship experiences have been beautiful, some of my former lovers are now my "family" and best friends even if not lovers anymore. Some of my relationships have been disasters and utterly heartbreaking. Mostly though my poly life has been one of having many "lovers" and being the girlfriend/secondary to a few couples, but not having my own healthy committed primary relationship that I was truly longing for. I had almost given up hope, and resigned myself to a lonely life of only half-met needs, juggling multiple casual partners...

then I met Will... and we changed each other's whole lives when we fell in love, it is the most beautiful connected healthy supportive passionate damn-near perfect relationship I've ever seen, or experienced. We are so good to each other and for each other, we are each other's best friend, and I've never experienced passion or lovemaking like we share, with anyone else in my whole life. There is nothing casual about it, it is transcendent and deeply bonding and spiritual and completely satisfying everytime.

We've been together one year now, and just moved into a new house together, he loves me so much, and he loves my kids. He is so kind, gentle and compassionate... he was always monogamous before meeting and dating me. I was the life-long poly girl, who introduced him to it, and he enjoyed the freedom that came with poly relationships, to be able to have fun with other girls, other romances, and other sexual experiences... but even with that total freedom and both of us dating others, Our bond and relationship grew closer, deeper and stronger, more in love over time. And as it did, we both were seeing other people less and less, and each other more and more. With him at about 4 months in, I had my first ever in my whole life experience of the feelings of jealousy, and I've been working on that ever since, and he's been supportive and patient, and it seemed like it was all worked out and resolved.

All this sounds wonderful and is exactly what my heart was longing for, and I'm so grateful and feel so blessed... so what's gone wrong?

the month before we moved in, he had a casual hook-up date with another poly woman who is married, but she's really into him... they went to a hotel, and I went home and fell apart. I literally completely lost my shit, broke down totally into helpless brokenhearted sobbing for three days. I couldn't bear how much it hurt thinking of him with her, seeing them together in my mind.

I've never felt anything like that, I couldn't eat or sleep or stop crying, I felt sick inside, and terrified... so freaking terrified. And confused and lost and shamed and guilty for having this reaction. When he came over the next day to surprise me, he found me curled up in the fetal position in my bed crying my heart out. We talked, a lot, we've been talking ever since. He said that no other girl or casual sex was worth the pain I was going through and he offered me monogamy for however long I may need it, while we focus on building our new life together, and all the big changes of moving in together.

I feel this was beyond generous of him, and yet a month later I'm still struggling with it, every time we talk I feel a little better... he is constantly reassuring me, loving me, being so good to me... but when I try to get to a place of being ok with Poly again, I just can't... it hurts so much inside. I realize that I'm scared of losing him, of losing his love to someone else, of being abandoned (I've been "left" pretty much by every single relationship in my life, including parents and ex's), and of losing the best most wonderful Love that's ever come into my life.

I don't know what to do, I'm trying so hard... he tells me to "quit trying so hard and just give myself time to heal and let time wash away my fears, because only time will show me that he's not leaving"

I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite... and I'm afraid of ruining this relationship with my fears and insecurities

River 09-16-2011 08:53 PM


Wow, thanks for sharing your very well-written story. And thanks for the courage to tell it.

Your relationship with Will sounds so beautiful and is so inspiring! I have no doubt that things between the two of you are as solid and wonderful as can be. You're very fortunate!

It sounds to me that something deeply burried, a great hurt or wound, some trauma, has surfaced--or begun to surface-- into your conscious awareness and experience. And it sounds like dealing with this pain and fear so directly is very new to you. It sounds raw. And it sounds like it is going to take time. And it also sounds that Will is totally there for you, and willing to give you all the time you need, and some very beautiful loving all the while.

You're very fortunate. Very, very.

Keep this in mind and in heart. Let it sink in deeply. You're very blessed.

Tell Will for me, from me, Thanks for your inspiration. And thanks for your inspiration, AuroraWD. It takes courage to open to such tenderness.

AuroraWD 09-16-2011 09:00 PM

Thank you River! So much, you're reply brought tears of relief and joy to my eyes as your words had a ring of truth I needed to hear, and sometimes even when our closest loved ones and friends are telling us what we need to hear... it really does help to get the insight of an unbiased un-involved "stranger" :)

also, I'm glad that this struggle has prompted me to go deeper into myself to find and bring out into the light for healing, whatever wound is there that needs it, and obviously I must be in a very safe secure loving relationship to have such a deep fear come up for healing. and I'm glad it has also prompted me to reach out to others from a much more humble place, to be reminded that I'm not as "enlightened" as I'd like to have thought I was, and I still have room for growth, healing, learning and becoming the Best Me I can be, and loving the most I can love.

River 09-16-2011 09:04 PM

It is clear to me why Will loves you so. I can see that you're a very fine and beautiful person, with a radiant heart and much courage.

My "Faraway Sweetie" always says to me "You're easy to love". Well, you too are easy to love. You're going to do GRRREAT!

AuroraWD 09-16-2011 09:37 PM

It's interesting how much better I feel just since writing this initial post and the kind response from River, reading both my own words and his replies again, I had a sudden insight ~

I've been looking at this experience in my life all backwards, feeling like something is wrong with me for feeling the way I've been feeling, and struggling with the fear I've been struggling with. It would help me more to ask "Why am I feeling this way?" and "Why do I need this experience right now?" and "How is this feeling, this experience with fear, meant to be a source of healing and growth for me?" Some part or parts of me deep inside have been hurt deeply, probably long ago, and this fear experience is an opportunity to understand myself better, love myself more, and find healing and greater wholeness, and to learn new deeper levels of strength in myself, and trust in those who love me.

But I need to be more patient and compassionate with myself, to follow Will's example of unconditional love for me, and give that to myself as well... this issue will take time to heal, and beating myself up for it will only make it worse and take longer. If I can give myself time, safe space for talking and exploring the feelings and what is behind those feelings, and treat my own heart with the same love I treat others... then I can trust that I can heal the fear behind my insecurity.

River 09-16-2011 09:43 PM

Very wise, insightful, self-loving and astute words, AuroraWD -- all of them.

I see you as a flower in bloom.

Google up Tara Brach and "Radical Acceptance". It is a book I've given away to bunches of friends, and probably the best and most valuable book I've read in the last couple of decades. I think you'll gain much from it and resonate much with Tara, who is as sweet a being as there are.


AuroraWD 09-16-2011 11:19 PM

Thanks, I checked out her website briefly then bookmarked it for when I have more time :)

River 09-16-2011 11:26 PM


I'm listening to this right now.


It is an audio podcast. I think you might enjoy it.

JuliaGay 09-17-2011 01:42 PM

Wow, AuroraWD. I'm so impressed by your insights into yourself and your ability to express them. Thank you for your posts. They've helped me understand my OSO's wife's meltdown a little better. :)

I think you're doing well and you'll find your way out of this.


CountryLiving 09-17-2011 08:00 PM

What a lovely indepth post of your feelings.
Whilst you have embraced the poly relationship - and maybe because you have never felt like first. You are now in that position. Which means if you want mono, there is nothing wrong sweetheart in that, why should you despair in the love you feel, with a man that loves you whole, and you want no more.
Life is just that. Right now I feel you have found your rolling river...........so go embrace and forget looking for more than you have until you need it. You seem to have it all xxx

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