New poly site
I'm not quite sure where to put this as there doesn't seem to be a place where we can put links.
IS there a thread where we can put links for general knowledge? If not could one maybe be started? Thanx.
If this isn't the place could someone please move it to where it should be? Thanx.
Franklin Veaux, creator of Xeromag, has a new site. It's dedicated solely to poly and already has some new articles on it.
Here is what he wrote about it:
Here's the thread of useful links -- it's in the Golden Nuggets section: Online Poly Resources
Difference between poly and "cheating"?
I was introduced to poly by my master (yes, I'm a slave, but that's not the point here). He chooses those I'm poly with, but always with his direction and consent.
I'm bothered, however, by guys who "get some on the side," and call themselves "polyamorous". If their primary is not in on this (as mine is), it's simply an excuse for infidelity. If it hasn't been accepted by all partners, it's just cheating.
With that in mind, here is an interesting post from FetLife (I personally think she is rationalizing, but this is her POV):
"In a special place with poly."
All my life I have been in monogamous relationships, or something close to the term. I've always felt completely scared and downed by jealousy and fear, and always felt REALLY relieved after a relationship has ended because I finally felt free to explore my life outside of my normalized relationships ques. So, I started to explore in different relationship styles.
I'm fairly new to poly relationships, and the only other one I have actually been committed in was not actually poly at all.
He had a wife, and would tell me how much he loved me more than her behind her back. He would tell me he wished he had married me instead. He would say things like that and insinuating a ranking system between her and I in order to make me "feel better" and, it did.
The problem with him doing those things and me allowing him to say those things to me, was that it became a competition. It also conditioned my thinking to that "This is what poly is". I believed that the only way to be reassured of my relationship was to be better than her, to be more relevant than her, to be first in this ranking system we both thought we were "winning".
The fact that I believed in this "poly" relationship that I had to win my partner's love, was fucked up all on it's own.
Also, I keep putting "poly" in quotations because A) sarcasm and B) My then partner told me he could sleep and date whomever he wanted, but I could not do the same. I was to be monogamous to him (unless he wanted me gangbanged, which I also was not really about so looks like I'm being monogamous).
My boyfriend explained it to me a long time ago before we even got into a relationship and said :
"I can love a million different people in a million different ways".
And that really put it in perspective for me.
So, now being in a real poly relationship, it's hard. It was specifically hard in the beginning when my partner started seeing another partner regularly. I felt like I was bottom of a ranking system, but quickly realized that it was not right for my mind to be in that place. That my last relationship was NOT poly, that's not how poly works, and it's okay for it to be difficult at times and it's okay to be jealous at times.
I started to have these ideas that people who are truly poly, don't get jealous ever. So I did have a few moments where I thought maybe this just isn't for me, because if I was poly I wouldn't be jealous of my partner's partners.
Through my new endeavors in poly, I've come to a place that I thought would never happen or at least take a really long time to happen, and I'm gonna describe it as a word that seems to be my favorite of my partners which is, compersion.
Sure, at times I still get jealous. But I hardly act out on it, because it's not my partner's responsibilities to protect my feelings by dismissing their happiness with other people. If I do act on it, I immediately realize that I do not want to be acting this way and apologize for it. I ask for my partner's help and ask what they do when they get jealous, and take advice because if you're like me, it's really fucking hard to ask advice on things like these. But just because I have a moment of insecurity, doesn't mean I'm not poly.
I actually quite enjoy poly. I enjoy the freedom of not being scrutinized by my partner's for having feelings for multiple people. I love the fact that my partner's love so many people, and get to have as many connections with people because I think of it now in a way that, that's what life is partly about. Having love in your life is so important, and you should have it everywhere you go.
I've finally come to a place where I don't feel scared that someone is going to steal my partner's away, that I'm going to be replaced, that I am bottom of the rank because There is no rank. I am who I am, and my partner's love me for that. I am the only me, and nobody can take that away from me. I finally feel secure in my place in these people's lives and am coming to a place of security within myself where I feel good enough, making poly a fuck of a lot easier.
I'm so grateful that I've been able to explore this with people I love and to have their support even if/when I've been a ridiculous little girl. Their patience with me deserves an award. I love them so very much.
Just because my partner's love other people, doesn't mean they love me any less. Just because my partner's may play with other people, doesn't mean they don't like playing with me, and just because they are happy with someone else, doesn't mean they're not happy with me.
For me, the absolute in poly is that all those involved understand and agree.
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