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-   -   Very New (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14537)

Hippiechic67 09-14-2011 05:31 PM

Very New
 
To be honest for a while my husband and I and my boyfriend have been poly and didn't even realize it had a name lol...I have been married for 13 years and 9 of those years we were my husband and I were separated because I felt that I had to have someone else in the relationship. I had no idea that these feelings were natural for me and I fought against them. While I was separated from my husband I tried one monogamous relationship after the other and felt trapped. I got into a relationship with a man that it was up and down with and I finally decided to move back with my husband. I told the man that I was involved with about this decision and he didn't like it but followed me to Texas. We decided for us all to live together. It has been pure hell for the bf and not that great for hubby because they both have a mono mentality. It would be wonderful for me except for the jealousy and irritation I get from mainly the bf. I want to be in this lifestyle but is it fair to really want them in it too? They both say they are on board but how can they be if they dont even really understand it? Help!!

River 09-14-2011 06:30 PM

Pure hell? All of you living together?

Sounds like a real problem. I'd seek therapy for all involved. Or you should all split up. But loving relationships are supposed to be only a very small portion of hell with a tremendously larger portion being heavenly -- and a good sized helping of okayness.

Stop the hell. Get counseling or end it. Life should not stay on the hell setting long.

And don't tell me it is only hell for the bf. That cannot be true, with you all living together in a family like situation. In a family, when one member's life is hell, the whole thing has hell in it.

AnnabelMore 09-14-2011 11:57 PM

Well put, River.

AnnabelMore 09-15-2011 12:01 AM

Don't try to convince them to date other girls if they don't naturally want to, in case you've been considering that as a way to help them understand or to make rhings "even". Pushing mono people to be poly doesn't seem to go well. Mono's dating poly's, now that is hard but certainly *can* go well. If you feel like they don't understand, maybe ask them if they would read some of the essays on www.xeromag.com? There is some great, very helpful stuff on there.

Hippiechic67 09-15-2011 01:19 AM

Thanks for replying...I was asking for help and support not condemnation wow...AnnabelMore, thanks for your support! It was great help! As for the others, don't quit your day jobs!

JuliaGay 09-15-2011 03:21 AM

HC, I think you're being way too hard on River. I would encourage you to reread that post and think seriously about following the advice there. It's good advice, whether you want to hear it or not....

JG

MichelleZed 09-15-2011 01:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hippiechic67 (Post 102226)
Thanks for replying...I was asking for help and support not condemnation wow...AnnabelMore, thanks for your support! It was great help! As for the others, don't quit your day jobs!

Hippiechic, River wasn't being mean. I can't read anything dismissive in River's post. Since it seemed to bother you so much, that can tell you something. Reread the post again and see what sentence bothers you the most. That will give you a clue about a sore spot you didn't even know you had, and it might help you out to think about it for awhile, and figure out why you reacted so defensively to it.

Is it a fear you have of both or either man leaving? Is it a guilt you feel about something? It would be good to know.

River 09-15-2011 02:48 PM

My post was very direct, concise, to the point. I could have delivered the same perspective without the sharp, staccato, and with a softer and more tender atmosphere. For this I apologize.

It is my view that most, if not all, relationships in which there is a good deal of "hell" there is a similar dynamic at play which generates this "hell". The dynamic is one where the parties involved have not yet figured out what love really comes down to. It comes down to caring for one another, deeply. It doesn't come down to treating one another as resources, or sources of sexual pleasure or romantic sparks. There can be sparks, alright, and sexual pleasure, but these are all best in the context of relationships founded on caring for one another.

Caring for one another means all involved are allies to one another, very good loving friends, supportive and kind, thoughtful and sensitive: caring. Such caring, done intelligently and honestly, does not produce "hell". It produces, mainly, joy. And peace. And happiness. If it isn't producing that, then it is sure it isn't being done intelligently, honestly, givingly, kindly, thoughtfully.... Some one or more people aren't providing the care needed, the love.

Love is not about being all needy and wanty and me me me -ish. Unfortunately, too many people think that it is, and treat those we "love" as sources for something we think we haven't got. We try to keep them around even if they are miserable with us! Well, if there is lasting, lingering misery, it is sure that the love--the care--is not flowing. The communication is broken, perhaps -- or those skills and insights never properly developed. Or...?

To share and enjoy love: Be love. Live love. Give love. It's the only way. Every other way will surely cause "hell".

SourGirl 09-15-2011 03:07 PM

I think the OP is venting. Which,..is what forums tend to attract. She might not actually feel it is hell. Who really knows yet ? Since its one of very few posts we have information on, its a bit premature to tell her to dump and run.

OP don`t dump and run.......from us :) A bit of a FYI about this place, is that we have a very good blog section. In there, if you blog you will receive support, not criticism. You can vent and let things out.

Questions, theories, tough love, hugs, and a mixture of comments will be generated in the other topics on this forum.

JuliaGay 09-15-2011 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SourGirl (Post 102295)
OP don`t dump and run.......from us :) A bit of a FYI about this place, is that we have a very good blog section. In there, if you blog you will receive support, not criticism. You can vent and let things out.

Questions, theories, tough love, hugs, and a mixture of comments will be generated in the other topics on this forum.

Thanks for the heads up, SourGirl. This is very different from other forums I'm a part of. I'd have never guessed that the Life Stories and Blogs is the place to ask for help since that's not the way in my other places. And probably why I prefer forums that are not broken into sections the way this one is... :)

JG


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