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-   -   Thought things were fine, now I realize they aren't... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14484)

BaconWrappedCupcakes 09-12-2011 09:22 PM

Thought things were fine, now I realize they aren't...
Hello again. I posted a few months ago about meeting my BF's GF and the meeting went well. I am mono with BF, she is poly with him and others.

We exchanged emails for a while, but she kept bring him into the conversation, which I tried to steer away from. I don't feel comfortable discussing him with her. We stopped writing each other about a month or two after the lunch. I had told Him that I didn't feel comfortable with the over abundance of info she kept giving me and I felt overwhelmed.

I thought he communicated this to her and everything was fine. I have found out recently that she in fact hates me and thinks I have ruined their relationship. She is convinced that I want him for myself even though that is not true.

I do want a LTR, but I know it will not be with him. I enjoy what he and I have for what it is, he provides me with something I need in my life, so being mono with his poly is not that difficult for me.

I've read articles on poly, bought a book, and try to be open minded about it all, even though it is not something I could have in my own life. The times she has sent poly stuff to me, I wasn't sure what to say because I don't really agree with the statements.

I'm not sure what to do at this point as I like an idiot thinking this woman was ok with things as they were and no I find out she thinks I'm a giant bitchface and she hates me. I'm mad at him too for not telling me this was how she felt, as I could have told her the truth instead of her making it up in her own mind.

I'm confused, hurt, and afraid that he will leave to try and make her happy. He assures me that won't happen though. Thanks for the help.

FireChild 11-16-2011 04:42 PM

I came back to read this since you mentioned this in your other thread. It seems like your thoughts and wants weren't respected from the beginning and that he wasn't completely honest with you OR her. And that really sucks. I'm sorry that something like CondomGate had to happen before you could break ties.

I hope your lunch goes really well.

BaconWrappedCupcakes 11-17-2011 03:22 PM

She had decided to assume many things about me because he wasn't communicating the truth or sometimes anything at all to her. On the few occasions he did tell her the truth about something she didn't believe him and chose to write lies and twist stories.

She and I have not written since February, I stopped writing because it was getting to be too much with my home life, Him and adding her into the mix wasn't helping. I told him this and expected him to tell her I was having a hard time and he didn't.

6 months went by where I felt him back off with me, calling and writing less. She started posting sad comments and pictures on her page. I even wrote him and asked if she was ok, and he said yes she is fine. So I continued to try my best to connect with him.

I found her posts (under an anonymous name) when I was searching a Poly themed board for info. I was blown away. By this time they had downgraded their relationship and no longer had D/s play. She made fun of my pictures, called me names, blamed me for things that I had nothing to do with.
I did confront him about it and we had a long talk about what she said. I let it go because they are just words and it's not worth harboring bad feelings when they aren't true anyway. He did not talk to her about her postings then.

I continued to watch the thread and that's when I found out about "condom gate" (HAHAHA). He immediately wrote her and told her to stop talking about him and her and me and the things that go on between all of us online.
She then posted "Stalker Stalker" on her wall before blocking me. (But the id she used wasn't her own anyway. So blocking me made no sense) Anyway about 4 days later she writes 2 more intimate detail stories involving him and her and their sex life on there.

So obviously she has no respect for keeping his business between them. I find it funny though, she has 3 other men she sees, but she only ever posts personal sex stories that involve our mutual BF.

Ugh it's entirely so much drama and I have chosen to leave that site because I won't be pulled into it anymore.

opalescent 11-17-2011 04:52 PM

crazy with side of crazy

I just read this thread and your other thread about safe sex issues. I have a question for you.

Why are you involved with these people?

I realize you are not directly involved with her. She's not quite right and mean to boot. He's lying and manipulative and has broken your trust repeatedly.

Those patterns are not going to change.

I realize you've been with him for a while and love him. That's nice. But love is not enough. You also deserve respect and trust and honesty. Those are definitely not present in this relationship.

Your identity as a sub does not absolve you of the responsiblity to take care of yourself, to be the best 'you' possible.

I beg you, leave. Go find safe, sane, trustworthy partners. They are out there.

P.S. Your username is distracting! I keep thinking "HMMMMM YUMMY!!!" to myself when I read it.

nycindie 11-17-2011 07:39 PM

Yes, you can love a total asshole but that doesn't stop him from being an asshole. There is love all around, it's not so precious and unattainable that you have to keep going back to give it to someone who doesn't respect nor deserve it.

I took a look at your first thread here and it seems this guy was disrespectful of you from the start. His gf wanted to meet you, and you were reluctant because poly was so new to you. You wanted time to consider it and prepare to meet her, and he told you that it wasn't a "big deal." Basically, from what you told us, he put you down for whatever you were feeling. Dismissed you. You were made to feel like shit by both him and her, and pressured to move more quickly than you were ready for. So, this seems to be a pattern that has been there a while. What could you possibly get out of being with someone who disregards your feelings, lies to you, and doesn't give a shit about your safety? He obviously does not think very much of you, or maybe women in general, I am sorry to say.

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