future of an unsure with a poly?
I have been dating a guy for about a year and a half who identifies himself as poly. When we started dating he was dating another woman who also identifies herself as poly, but who ended up not being okay with him having feelings for someone else. She was so completely emotional and stressed over it and in the end it cost their relationship. In the midst of all of this I decided to back off, I didn't feel comfortable with causing issues for her and for them and wanted them to work on what they had before introducing another person.
When he told me it was over with her and that he wanted us to have another go I let him know that I didn't think poly was for me, but that I'd definitely be into playing and exploring with other women... my bf to be involved of course. He said that was okay and that he was happy to be with me.
I have recently (at the age of 30!) accepted that I am bisexual, and have even told a couple of people. This is a hard thing for me... some of my best friends don't know and I feel really awkward even thinking about discussing it with them.
Anyways, my bf and I recently had a huge talk where it came up again and in much more detail that it will never be me, him, our children (who do not exist yet) and a second woman + the children that he would have with her living as one big happy family. I would be okay with friends with benefits and meeting and playing with new people, but that I don't feel comfortable (at present moment) with the idea of him having more gfs.
He says that losing me would be worse than not having what he always dreamed his life would be. He also says he is sad to know that to be with me means losing a piece of himself. This is something I can understand... and I don't want him to feel that way. I honestly thought that he was cool with not having other gfs because that's how I prefaced us getting together.
He is such an amazing guy, I feel lucky to have him in my life. I'm wondering if any of you have had a similar experience to me or to him and how it ended up. He's got this beautiful spirit and easy way about him, I don't want to dampen that. I don't want him to be disappointed with his life because he's choosing to be with me.
Are there any specific resources, articles/books/etc, that anyone can suggest that address this type of situation.
I just want him to be happy, and for us to be happy together. I guess I'm not discounting a poly relationship in the future... but thought that it might be the best stance when I am unsure, and I have told him this. I can't promise or deny anything right now, I'm still sorting through my own thoughts and feelings on anything outside of a traditional relationship (which I've proven to myself many times over doesn't work for me). I love the idea, and there have been a few instances, of playing with a third.
Your thoughts are appreciated!
There is a sticky here for book recomendations that might help. Also try reading the tags in the search engine titled "mono/poly."
Sounds to me that you are unsure how you might feel about a possible mutual polyamorous situation with your boyfriend down the road, and that perhaps you'd be okay with it. It may be a good time to explore the question: Under what conditions might I be okay with my boyfriend having other girlfriend/s?
What some folks do is commit to being monogamous for a given, relationship-building period, after which they explore a possible opening up to poly. The idea, here, is to establish great trust, confidence and security in the initial relationship, which -- once fully established -- can feel so secure and comfortable that allowing other loves to enter the picture is not so daunting.
Of course, you can't be sure how such an experiment might work itself out. But you may like to talk with one another about such an option.
There's an email list for monogamous people in relationship with polyamorous people, and a long list of links to articles for members.
PolyMono · Polyamorous/Monogamous Support
> "This is a support group for monogamous people in a committed relationship with someone who is polyamorous - i.e., who either has or would like to have other lovers."
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